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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22854589">You touched me (And I’d never felt something like that before)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aniloracat/pseuds/Aniloracat'>Aniloracat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>WTFock | Skam (Belgium)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Season/Series 03, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Broerrrs - Freeform, Confused!Robbe, Family Issues, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Insecure!Robbe, Insecure!Sander, Internalized Homophobia, Lots of conversations, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Or that’s what Robbe thinks lol, Persistent!Sander, Sander is going all the way from start, Sexual Tension, Shy!Robbe, Slow Burn, Slow Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 18:29:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>42,709</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22854589</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aniloracat/pseuds/Aniloracat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A story where Robbe and Sander met at the party in 3x01 and then escaped to do some spray painting.  </p><p>***</p><p>📌 PERMANENT HIATUS. I’m so sorry, this story is horrible 🙁</p><p>A Season 3 Story: Besides some scenes I took from the show, this is like a universe diff from the one we saw on the series. Character's roles, relationships, motivations and backstories are different.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Amber/Aaron, Jens/Jana, Robbe/Broerrrs (friends), Robbe/Noor (friends), Robbe/Robbe's Mom, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans, Sander/Amber (Friends?), Sander/Noor (Friends), Zoe/Senne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>218</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Spray painting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Uhhh... Thanks for giving this a chance! :) Tbh I'm a bit anxious about this, I've liked Skam for a while, but this is my first fanfic about the show. Rosander and their intensity made me feel so deeply moved that I decided to give it a try... I can only hope this works well for me. </p><p>About the story: When I rewatched the season a while ago, I started to think about the all possibilities and theories that could take place so, although I LOVED the season, I decided to have some fun and twisted a little the original story. It's NOT my intention to try to write a better season or something, I'm just having fun doing what I want with these beautiful characters :) Respectfully, of course hahah</p><p>IMPORTANT:<br/>1. Though this chapter is based on 3x01 party, this story does not start on 12th like the show, it probably starts on September.<br/>2. Robbe's mom is already in a mental institution and Robbe is already living on the flat with Milan, Zoë and Senne.<br/>3. I'm NOT belgian so I may have a lot of facts wrong about the country, school life and locations, so sorry about this. </p><p>Anyway, I hope you like this story! I'll appreciate any kind of feedback you can send me!! &lt;3 Feel free to do some constructive criticism [with kindness, please :') ]. And as you may or not realize, English is not my mother language, so I apologize for whatever mistake you might find. Any correction you can offer will be really useful for my learning!   </p><p>Enjoy!! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p><strong>R</strong>obbe wanted to punch himself. Instead he nervously chewed his lip and looked away, <em>again</em>, pretending to be interested in whatever chat his friends were having, but in reality he was freaking out. This was one of those moments where the more you know you shouldn’t be doing something, the more you wanted to do it. But he couldn’t help it.</p><p>It’s just… this guy. He had never seen someone like him before. The guy stood out in the crowded house thanks to his white hair, but Robbe was sure that even without that eccentric color on his hair he would have seen him anyway. He was gorgeous and peculiar. For some reason he was alone, he had been alone for a <em>while</em>, but he didn’t appear to care about it. He kept casually leaning against a wall while he smoked like he didn’t care about the fucking party going on around him.</p><p>Some girls had tried to approach him, but they left almost as soon as they came. He wondered why. He wondered if he was expecting something. His friends? His girlfriend?</p><p>That could be the case. The white-haired boy seemed almost… bored and Robbe understood it well. He had been as bored as him, until he had spotted him a few minutes ago and everything else had faded into the background.</p><p>Robbe cursed in his mind. He was staring <em>again</em>. He wanted to get out of this place, but instead he could only stand there, helplessly thinking all sort of things about that boy. His name, his age, the color of his eyes, the school he went… He hadn’t seen him before. He wouldn’t forget a guy like that, so they obviously didn’t go to the same school.</p><p>He tried to remember the school that was throwing this party, but he couldn’t even guess. When his friends had suggested coming, he just agreed without giving it too much thought. Now he regretted it, but what was the point of wondering, anyway? It wasn’t like he could leave his friends behind and go talk to him, even if he wanted to. This made him freak out even more. Why would he want to talk with that guy? What’s with this curiosity?           He didn’t even dare to consider those questions; they were so unwelcome that he almost wanted to stomp on them for daring to show up.</p><p>When he half-heard his friends suggest going to the bathroom upstairs to smoke, Robbe almost sighed in relief. He had wanted to go <em>ages</em> ago but couldn’t muster the will to leave behind this guy, only to never see him again. But now he didn’t have a choice. He had to follow his friends, even if he would have loved to stay here to contemplate that guy. That didn’t mean he couldn’t give him a last glance though.</p><p>His heart missed a beat and he almost jumped when his eyes met with these intense blue eyes. The guy was staring back at him!</p><p>He didn’t expect that all! That guy, had he noticed him staring? Why would he look at him? He was panicking with embarrassment, but curiosity too. But in the middle of his panic he had quickly turned away his head, so he didn’t have another choice but follow his friends to the bathroom.</p><p>Once in there, he pretended to be relaxed and all of that, but the truth was that his mind was still downstairs, with the white-haired guy. He kept wondering about the school he went. It wasn’t something to be proud of, but he went to a lot of parties all the time and he didn’t think he had seen that guy before. Weird.</p><p>That frustrated him. If he rarely showed up at parties, this was like a once in a lifetime opportunity of talking… well, <em>watching </em>that guy, but instead he was sitting in a bathtub, getting high as always. Well, he was being a <em>little</em> dramatic, but still, he probably wouldn’t see him again and he knew nothing about him, something that maybe would help Robbe to search him online when he didn’t have something to do.</p><p> God, he was a mess. He had to blame it to the weed and the alcohol. He didn’t even know what he was thinking anymore. So he smoked and drank a little more, which probably wasn’t the best idea right now, but it was better to get lost in the weed than listening Moyo’s rant about girls. But they kept nagging him anyway, so when some girl entered the bathroom and minded her own business, completely ignoring them, Robbe saw this as a good opportunity.</p><p>If he tried something, she would probably reject him right away. His friend would make fun of him, but they wouldn’t blame him and would forget about it. It didn’t hurt that she probably was from another school so it wouldn’t be a big deal.</p><p>So he stood up, flirted a little and then kissed her. Everything went wrong. The girl flirted and kissed him back and his friends decided that it was a good idea leaving them alone.</p><p>She wasted no time and pushed him against the wall while kissing him passionately, but instead of feeling good about it, he felt extremely uncomfortable. Robbe wanted to get out of here so bad! He was trying to think when someone entered the bathroom and broke the moment. Robbe immediately pulled away from the girl, gave her one last apologetic grimace and quickly walked out, <em>nearly</em> thanking the person that had interrupted them.</p><p>The house was so crowded, dark and hot, that he quickly went outside. He sighed in appreciation as soon as his lungs filled up with the fresh air of the night. After a few inhalations his head felt clearer, so he considered his options. There were only bad things waiting for him inside.</p><p>The guys’ talks about girls, that girl he had abandoned and that suffocating party. He didn’t even know why he bothered to come anymore. He supposed he did because he didn’t want to stay inside his room, alone with his thoughts and problems. The more he went out, the more he realized he felt lonely anyway, but at least he had temporary distractions. And if he started distancing himself from his friends… he would be completely alone.</p><p>“You okay?” A voice behind him startled him. He paused, considering just walking away without bothering to answer some random person, but then he realized that he had bothered to ask so he could answer at least.</p><p>He nearly gasped when he turned and saw the white-haired boy standing there. It was the exact same picture he had seen a while ago. Him leaning against the wall, smoking, but this time he could truly see how handsome he was. And instead of that bored expression, he was staring him with curious, expectant eyes. He kept doing some interesting expressions while he smoked and kept staring at him. What the heck? He looked like he was modeling or something.</p><p>Robbe could only open his mouth for a moment, before closing it and shrugging. He was at loss. In his mind he had only considered looking at him, never talking to him, so of course now that the guy was talking to him, he felt strangely shy. Robbe didn’t know whether to feel dread or gratitude when the boy didn’t seem discouraged by his poor answer and offered him a lopsided smile as he snickered.</p><p>“Yeah, I know, this is a shitty party.” So he was bored after all. He wondered what he was even doing here. Robbe was here because his friends, but until now he hadn’t seen this guy talking to anyone. Was he still waiting for someone?</p><p>“I guess.” Robbe could only offer, still too shy to say anything else, only stare him. As the silence extended, Robbe started to freak out again. Should he go? Should he say something? Should he…? The guy interrupted his spiraling thoughts when he extended his arm and offered his joint.</p><p>Yep, that was a good idea. He needed to smoke a little more and everything would be fine. He carefully took it and offered a little grateful smile. He felt so small and shy right now. He hated it.</p><p>Another beat of silence, the only noise they heard was the loud music back at the house. Robbe was in the middle of cursing his clumsy self, when the guy spoke, “I’m Sander by the way.”</p><p><em>Sander</em>. He almost repeated it out loud but stopped himself in time.</p><p>“Robbe.” He quickly replied and then blinked when the guy… Sander repeated his name and nodded, his lips slightly curving up. He relaxed a bit.</p><p>“So you think the party is shitty?” Robbe decided to ask a safe question.</p><p>“I don’t really like parties.” Sande sighed.</p><p>Robbe tilted his head. “Really? Then what are you doing here?”</p><p>Sander raised his eyebrows. “That’s rude.” Robbe blushed and quickly opened his mouth to apologize, but then Sander smiled and sighed. “Someone at school invited me and I didn’t have much of a choice.”</p><p>That piqued his interest. “What school do you go to?”</p><p>“KA Berchem.”</p><p>“What?” Robbe asked in confusion, he then narrowed his eyes. “You go to KA Berchem?”</p><p>“Well, since Monday. I was recently transferred.” Sander shrugged, a weird bitter expression appearing on his face. But it disappeared so quickly that Robbe thought he probably imagined it.</p><p>“Oh.” Recently transferred? Robbe obviously felt curious about it, but they didn’t even know each other, so couldn’t ask about it without appearing a shameless person.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s just… I go there too.” He felt so shocked. This meant Sander had been walking around his school all week and Robbe hadn’t even seen him. He had been so sure someone like Sander wouldn’t go unnoticed, ever, but Robbe didn’t even see him.</p><p>“Oh… I think I actually saw you a couple of times, but I’m not sure.” Sander said. That only made Robbe felt even more shocked!</p><p>“Oh.” That was all he could say. “You’re not a second year, right?” That would be even worse.</p><p>“Nah, I’m on third year.”</p><p>Robbe looked at him more closely. A third year transferring schools at this moment? That was weird. This only fueled his curiosity about the guy. It took a while but when he finally mustered the courage to ask him, it was too late. The annoying lights coming from a police car lit all the street and broke the moment. He forgot about Sander as he turned around and saw the patrol. He started nearly started sweating cold when he thought about the weed he had in the pocket of his jacket. Moyo had given it to him when they were smoking in the bathroom.</p><p>“Fuck” He muttered to himself, his eyes still in the car. He heard a tired sigh beside him and when he turned, he saw Sander looking at the police car with an bothered expression.</p><p>“How annoying… looks like I have to go already.” Sander said, but when he turned and saw Robbe’s panicked expression he asked him, “What’s wrong?”</p><p>“I… I have to get out of here or else I’ll be fucked. But I don’t even know what…” What should he do? Return to the house? It would be too risky. Get out of here? He hadn’t even brought his bicycle, it would be a bit suspicious if he just walked out of this place and he wouldn’t be able to run away. “I have some weed with me.” He muttered.</p><p>“Let’s go then.” Sander easily said.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I have a bicycle. Let’s go.” Sander answered just as a police officer was walking towards them. Robbe was panicking inside. The officer was now looking at them, so he couldn’t just throw away the weed. He told them they had received complaints about the noise and started asking all sort of questions about the host of the party.</p><p>“We were just going inside. The owner of the house is a friend of us, you can find her inside.” Sander calmly said beside him. Robbe could only helplessly listen. The police officer asked her name and Sander casually throwed off some surname Robbe didn’t even listen, but he sounded so confident that he wondered if he was probably telling the truth.</p><p>“Okay, if you don’t have more questions, we’ll go first.” Sander then said.</p><p>“But I’ll have to take a look at your identifications first.”</p><p>“Okay, sure.” Sander shrugged and started walking towards the street, but the police officer stopped him. “I have my driving license there. You wanted to see it, right?”</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>As soon as the police officer turned towards the direction that Sander had indicated him, Sander suddenly pulled him from the jacket and started running. Robbe didn’t waste time and quickly followed him, ignoring the exclamations of the police officer they were leaving behind. He kept running behind Sander until they reached a bicycle at the other side of the street.</p><p>“I think he didn’t even bother.” Robbe commented with relief, looking behind his shoulder. He saw no one.</p><p>“And… this is my car.” Sander said dramatically.</p><p>“Okay…” Robbe smiled despite himself. Sander opened the lock and got on his bicycle, looking at him expectantly with his excited hazel eyes. “Come.”</p><p>Robbe sent him a puzzled look. This guy… was confidently waiting for him. He didn’t think he was being serious when he said they could go together.</p><p>Sander raised his eyebrows. “Are you coming?”</p><p>He nodded and got on the bike, extra aware of his own body as touching Sander. It was unavoidable. As they wandered through the quiet and peaceful streets, Robbe thought Sander eventually would drop him off at some random place, but he kept going and Robbe didn’t even dare to remind him. He was easily distracted with the feel of Sander’s hair tickling his face, the sight of his neck, the temptation of leaning in a little so he could smell him…</p><p>Until they stopped in some unknown dark place. And reality settle in again.</p><p>“Sander, where the fuck are we?” he asked incredulous as he looked around them, he couldn’t see anyone or hear something. God. Why didn’t he ask something before? Right, he had been too busy thinking about stupid and ridiculous stuff. He shook his head and focused on Sander.</p><p>He looked at the white-haired boy, his alluring smile, his piercing eyes (whose color Robbe still couldn’t decide) and his edgy outfit. “Come. I won’t bite you, I promise…” He said with this mischievous smile and voice that nearly made his knees weak. This guy... was he flirting with him? Nah, he was just joking.</p><p>He followed Sander like some fool, barely putting attention to his surroundings, just hearing his own heartbeat in his ears. When he recovered some of his sense, he noticed that they had entered some kind of poorly lit warehouse or something. He definitely wasn’t scared or suspicious of Sander, for some reason he couldn’t even understand he trusted him, but he would lie if he said he wasn’t nervous and confused about this situation.</p><p>“What the fuck.” Robbe muttered to himself, but Sander heard him anyway and brusquely grabbed him from the jacket as they kept walking. <em>It’s okay</em>, he had said, but Robbe kept wondering what the hell was going on, anyway.</p><p>He focused on his surroundings as the place became more and more illuminated and saw what it seemed to be garbage trucks. Some people were painting them, <em>spray painting</em> them. He let his body relax just a little. What the hell?</p><p>“Sander? What are you doing here?“ Sander had taken them where a dark haired girl wearing a mask was working. “I thought you wouldn’t come.” She took off her mask and sent a warm smile in Sander’s direction, while Robbe received a quick curious glance. She was really pretty.</p><p>He felt some sort of dread on his stomach as he saw that pretty dark-haired girl kiss Sander on the cheek. Could she be Sander’s girlfriend? When he recognized the envy and disappointment inside of him, he felt a vicious desire to slap himself so he would come back to his senses. What the hell was he thinking? Thankfully Sander interrupted his freak out before it started. He had missed their exchange and now Sander was talking to him.</p><p>“It was a really shitty party, right?” Sander said, and Robbe could only smile and nod like a mute idiot as Sander told her she hadn’t missed anything and that left that place almost as soon as he arrived.</p><p>“I still don’t get why would you go in the first place.” Noor commented furrowing her brows, but then she focused her glance on Robbe.</p><p>“Who’s him?”</p><p>“He’s a new friend I just met today. Robbe. We discovered we go to the same school now.”</p><p>“Oh. Really?” This time Noor looked at him with clear curiosity.</p><p>Robbe nodded. He could only mumble a <em>nice to meet you</em> while Sander told him her name was Noor and that she was a good friend from his former school. So they weren’t a couple after all. Not that it mattered to him.</p><p>“Aw, he’s a little shy.” Sander commented, amused, and Noor smiled. That made Robbe react. He sent a glare in Sander’s direction as he furiously blushed. He wasn’t shy! It’s just… He couldn’t even finish that line of thought.</p><p>“So you two are painting then?” Noor asked. Painting? Robbe tried not to look too puzzled.</p><p>Sander winked at him before saying, “Yeah.”</p><p>So they were painting. Okay…</p><p>“Oh, alright.” Noor said before offering them two masks. After Sander took one, Robbe decided to do the same. “Have fun!” Noor said to Robbe, before getting back to her work. Robbe watched her work for a moment, feeling really curious, before following Sander.</p><p>“Uh.. so, we’re painting?”</p><p>“Yeah! But I also have to take some pictures. It’ll be quick.”</p><p>“What? I…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I…” Robbe could only helplessly laugh, but Sander appeared to understand him.</p><p>“Don’t worry, you’ll like it. It’s fun. Or you don’t want to do it?” Robbe paused.</p><p>It’s not that he didn’t want to do it, he just didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Sander, since he hadn’t done something like this before. He was just an amateur skater, not an artist like everyone else seemed to be. And… was painting these trucks even legal?</p><p>“It’s just… I’ve never done this.” Robbe awkwardly admitted.</p><p>“Then you definitely have to try it.” Sander said, as happy as ever.</p><p>“Okay...”</p><p>“It’s an art project from school, we do this all the time. And I was supposed to come earlier to take pictures of this, but then I decided to go to that party. I was regretting it so badly until I saw you…” Sander was saying as they walked around the groups of people talking and spraying the trucks.</p><p>Robbe almost froze as he heard him but managed to smile anyway, even though his stomach was doing weird thing as he asked himself, <em>what did he mean</em>? He viciously stomped on that thought and focused back on Sander.</p><p>Sander greeted some people, but he mostly busied himself taking photos. Robbe was torn between seeing the works of art and watching a focused Sander taking those pictures, his long fingers skillfully moving on the camera.</p><p>Once he was done, he led him to one garbage truck that hadn’t been painted. There was a bucket full of spray cans and Sander didn’t even hesitate and just throwed one at him. Robbe got out of his dazed state and started to feel a little anxious again. It was clear that Sander did this all the time, so Robbe didn’t really want to make a of fool himself by doing some crappy graffiti out of his crappy imagination.</p><p>“Sander, I’ve never done this, for real. I’ll only ruin it.”</p><p>Sander raised his eyebrows. “You know what everyone says. Art is subjective.”</p><p>“Yeah, sure.” Robbe snorted, rolling his eyes.</p><p>“I mean it. Do it. Just follow… whatever is in your heart right now.” The mocking cheesy line was funny, but he bit off his laugh, trying to appear serious. “Sander... I’m serious.”</p><p>Even though Sander bit his lip in order to avoid laughing, his eyes were twinkling with amusement. But he still told him, “You’ll do it alright, don’t worry.”</p><p>“Okay… but what am I supposed to do?”</p><p>“I’ll draw and you can take care of the colors.”</p><p>Okay, even if Robbe had a crappy imagination, he figured he could handle doing some coloring.</p><p>“Alright. What do you have in mind?”</p><p>“Bowie.”</p><p>“Bowie? What’s that?”</p><p>Sander looked at Robbe like he had kicked his puppy and laughed. “Are you seriously telling me that you don’t know <em>David Bowie</em>!?”</p><p>“<em>David Bowie</em>. Right, right!” Robbe laughed a little embarrassed. Sander sighed a little dramatically. “Yeah, of course I know him. I think I’ve heard Space… Space Cowboy?”</p><p>Sander snorted, making Robbe flush. “No?”</p><p>“<em>Space Oddity</em>.”</p><p>“Right!” Robbe said, pretending he had said just that.</p><p>Sander started mentioning several David Bowie’s songs that he honestly had never heard. Space Oddity was one of those songs everyone knew because it was general knowledge, but Robbe never really bothered to listen it. He paid attention anyway, he couldn’t not to, not when Sander’s eyes had lit up as he happily talked about his favorite singer.</p><p>“So… <em>Space Oddity</em>! I think I got a good idea.” Said Sander, grinning at him like a happy little by.</p><p>“Yeah?</p><p>“Space. Stars. Blue and red. An astronaut and a lightning bolt.” Sander was saying enthusiastically as he stared at the empty surface of the garbage truck, seeing things Robbe could only guess. Since he was useless with this kind of stuff, he just kept nodding like he understood.</p><p>A few minutes later, they put on their masks. Sander took a spray can and started to paint, his hand moved effortlessly and confident. Robbe watched him fascinated for a while until Sander told him to help him. Robbe hesitated again before deciding to just go with it.</p><p>While Sander drew whatever he was picturing in his mind, he helped him coloring the graffiti with the colors he was being instructed. He felt happy and relieved just following Sander’s lead. Adding life and color to Sander’s artwork was fun and weirdly satisfying. As they worked, some Bowie’s songs were playing on the background while Sander kept telling him fun facts about him.  </p><p>“Wow, this is good! Noor said approaching them when they were almost done.</p><p>They stepped back to take a look at the finished work. It was really amazing. The truck now showed an astronaut floating in a black outer space surrounded by stars and blue and red colored cosmic dust. The astronaut had a red lightning bolt on his helmet. Sander had enthusiastically explained him lightning bolt and the colors used were based on an iconic look that Bowie had used on his album <em>Aladdin Sane</em>.</p><p>Robbe and Sander exchanged a glance before Sander and Noor started to talk again while Robbe kept watching the graffiti. He had done it well and was genuinely impressed. Maybe it was all because they made a good team.</p><p>Later they went to check out Noor’s work and when Robbe saw he felt amazed. Noor was pretty, cool and talented. Sander was the same. Robbe. A boy who skated, got drunk and only did stupid vlogs with his friends… He was nothing special. But they were like from another planet. They had to be together, right? Robbe was just… God, what was he even doing? He seriously didn’t understand this sort of thinking.</p><p>He wasn’t usually like this, but he felt strangely amazed by Sander. Those blue eyes and his white hair, that edgy look of him, his happy smile and carefree attitude, his artistic self. That’s it. He had been charmed by him. It was something to be expected, since he had never met someone like him before and besides skating with Jens, his life was pretty dull and monotone lately. It had been a long time since had genuine fun with someone besides his best friend. After realizing his feelings weren’t something that weird or complicated, he suddenly felt really relieved. He only felt curiosity and some sort of admiration towards Sander.</p><p>It was already late, so after a while it was time to go home. Noor went home on her scooter while Sander took him home on his bicycle. He blamed on the alcohol and weed when started cheering and laughing like crazy all the way to his flat as they wandered through the empty streets. He didn’t even care that his body was brushing against Sander or his hands grasping his shoulders. He was just… happy.</p><p>They sobered up once they arrived. Robbe felt weirdly shy, sad and happy at the same time. He wondered if they would be able to do something like this again, if they would see each other at school, if they could be friends.</p><p>Robbe decided to break the silence. “Uh… That you for the ride… and everything. You really saved me.” <em>Saved me from the boredom, the party, that police officer…</em></p><p>Sander grinned. “Sure. I’m glad we met tonight. It was really fun.” Robbe nodded, biting off the big embarrassing smile that wanted to take over his face.</p><p>“I’ll see you at school then.” Sander said.</p><p>Robbe blinked. “Sure.”</p><p>Sander winked at him before getting on his bicycle and left, leaving a dazzled and happy Robbe behind. He walked to his flat and his bedroom almost mechanically, his mind still in the white-haired boy. It was good he didn’t meet anyone on his way to his room. He collapsed fully clothed on his bed and stared at the ceiling of the room, thinking about the amazing night he had.</p><p>After a while, he took his phone, unable to stop himself from opening Instagram and searching his name. Nothing. He sighed in disappointment and proceeded to search him on Facebook. Nothing. He only knew his name was Sander, so there was no other way of finding him. He ignored the messages from his friends, asking him why he had left the party, and went back to stare the ceiling of the room. On Monday he would see him again, but why the hell did he felt so happy? He could only helplessly sigh.</p>
<hr/><p>This is supposed to be the the picture Sander and Robbe did on the garbage truck. </p><p>https://images.app.goo.gl/A8n3v8Q2VV77816w8 </p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Memento</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you everyone!!  And I'm sorry, on the first chapter I forgot to clarify that Robbe already lives in the flat with Zoë, Milan and Senne and his mom is already in a mental institution. </p><p>Warning: Moyo makes some homophobic and unpleasant comments on this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>S</strong>ander's impression on him was deep enough that on Sunday he kept remembering the few hours they had spent together. He felt ridiculous. Even if he'd had a great time, it was just a random situation, why was he making a big deal out of it? He forcefully distracted himself doing homework, watching some skating videos and listening to music all day. Loud, very loud. It was the only thing that helped to quiet down the thoughts.</p><p>But on Monday morning, Robbe felt some sort of curiosity and expectation anyway, since he would probably see Sander at school today. He began to get a little worried, thinking about how he would act, but at the end his worry was pointless. He didn't see Sander anywhere in the first hours of school. And even if Robbe felt a <em>little</em> disappointed, he just went on with his classes and didn’t let himself think much about it.</p><p>But then everything came back when his friends started talking about the party he had abandoned. His eyes automatically wandered around him in hopes of seeing Sander. In the background Aaron was talking nonsense about Amber, his latest crush, and Moyo and Jens kept mocking him. He ignored them, until Jens addressed him.</p><p>“What about you? What happened with that girl?” Jens asked. He cringed a little at the question but tried to appear chill about it.</p><p>“Oh, right. Did you get laid?” Moyo asked excited. The expectant look of his friends crushed his intention of evading the subject, if his friends were going to start assuming these kind of things... He sighed.</p><p>“No.” Robbe said flatly. He stood very straight under the incredulous look of his friends. </p><p>“What!? Why!?”</p><p>“I didn’t… We just kissed and it wasn’t a big deal.”</p><p>“Man, I can’t believe you wasted an opportunity like<em> that</em>! I would never. She was really hot. Don’t you think you are too confident?” Aaron said stunned.</p><p>Robbe snorted with incredulity.  “What? <em>Confident?</em> No, it’s nothing like that. I wasn’t interested, that’s all.”</p><p>“<em>You weren’t interested</em>? You really must be gay then.” Moyo scoffed. In that moment, Robbe seriously wanted to punch him. They were supposed to be friends, why he had to say stupid things like that?</p><p>He breathed in, trying to keep himself composed. “Whatever. Just because I don’t go to parties <em>only</em> to get laid doesn’t mean that I’m gay.” </p><p>“Are you kidding me? Parties only exist so we can get laid. Man, why do we even hang out with you?” Moyo sighed, like Robbe was a really pitiful case or something. Robbe annoyance and anxiety worsened. He was speechless.</p><p>“Alright, alright. I think you are being too much, dude.” Jens interfered, feeling Robbe’s distress. “Chill, maybe he just wasn’t in the mood, it’s not a big deal.”</p><p>Moyo sighed again before shrugging. Before Robbe could even relax or sent a grateful glance at his best friend, Aaron put him on the spotlight again.</p><p>“So where did you disappear to?” Aaron asked, oblivious to his internal struggle. “We wanted to smoke some more, but we couldn’t find you anywhere. That’s why we thought you were with that girl.”</p><p>Even Jens looked at him curiously this time. He sighed pretending to be annoyed, but on the inside he was frantically looking for some excuse.</p><p>“Where did I disappear to? It was all because of the fucking weed you gave me!” Robbe said to Moyo, feigning annoyance. “Didn’t you see the police officers that appeared at the house or what?”</p><p>“Fuck, that’s right! I forgot dude!” Moyo exclaimed, his eyes widening. “Did something happen? Do you have the weed?”</p><p>“Yeah, I went home as soon as I saw them. I didn’t want to take the chance so...” He said as he looked through his things on his backpack, and then threw the weed at Moyo.</p><p>“Thank you, my man.” said Moyo relieved. Robbe just shrugged. Even if at the time he'd felt scared, and now he felt kind of annoyed with Moyo, he wasn’t really angry or anything. Thanks to that weed he had a good time with Sander and, even it was bringing a lot of weird situations and thoughts, he didn’t regret it.</p><p>After that, the conversation drifted away from Robbe to other stuff before they went back to their classes.</p><p>Robbe had already assumed he wouldn’t see Sander, something that made him feel sort of relieved, but then when he least expected it, he saw Sander in the cafeteria. He was so shocked that he stopped on his tracks, confusing Jens. As soon as he heard him asking if he was good, he nodded and quickly walked towards their table as if nothing had happened.</p><p>He kept his eyes glued to the table, pretending to be really interested on his food, but he was nearly sweating with strain. He really wanted to look up! At some point he had thought that maybe Sander had tricked him, something that he took as plausible for some reason, but Sander was here.</p><p>He looked at his friends, they were too busy discussing something that his mind couldn’t even discern. Then he took a bite of his food and pretended to casually look around the cafeteria, until his eyes saw that shock of white hair, not too far from him. He was alone again, only this time he didn’t appear bored. Sander was too busy scribbling something on a notebook and had isolated himself from the world with his headphones.</p><p>Robbe noticed the quick movements of his hands, he was probably drawing something. A minute later Robbe looked back at him, his eyes were still glued on his notebook and a lot of time went by like this. He felt a little disappointed when Sander didn’t look up even once, but at the same time relieved. He didn’t know what he would do in case Sander saw him. Make a first movement? Wait for Sander to make the first movement? And how he would explain Sander to his friends?</p><p>But that wasn’t actually the most worrying thing on his mind. The thing that worried him the most was his desire to keep his night with Sander as a secret. If it wasn’t a big deal, why he didn’t want anyone else to know about it? After thinking about it while he pretended to listen his friends, he concluded that it was because he felt guilty. He had just abandoned his friends and followed some stranger without even looking back. That had to be. And even worse, he had smiled and talked so much, and laughed like he hadn’t done in a very long time. When had he become like this?</p><p>Okay, Moyo and Aaron could be really annoying sometimes, but they had been friends since a long time ago. Jens was his best friend... thinking about him made him feel even worse. It's just that lately he felt like an outsider, like he didn’t fit in for some reason, and it was probably true. They talked about girls and blogs all the time and Robbe was slowly losing his interesting, which only made him feel guilty and weird.</p><p>Now the only things that kept him sane was skating and the alcohol and weed, but lately even the parties were becoming annoying and boring. Too much expectations and hangovers... He really didn’t know what to do anymore and thinking about that was so bothersome that he didn’t even dare to go there. So at the end he got nowhere.    </p><p>“Everything okay?” Jens asked after lunch, when Aaron and Moyo had already left and Robbe was looking around for Sander. He had disappeared already. Robbe immediately tensed when he heard his friend's question.</p><p>“Uh… yeah?”</p><p>“You’ve been acting weird all morning. Did something happen?”</p><p>He sighed. “No, not really. I’m just tired, okay? Let’s go.” Jens gave him a look. He didn't believe him. Not really. Robbe felt bad about it, but ignored him and decided to follow his other friends. What he could tell Jens, really?</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Robbe was walking towards his bicycle, ready to go home after a long day of school, when someone grabbed him by the shoulders. He was startled to the core, he hadn’t heard a thing because of his headphones! He turned around and his heart almost jumped out his chest when he saw Sander. It was a miracle he hadn’t embarrassed himself by screaming.</p><p>“What the fuck? You almost scared me to death!” Robbe exclaimed as he took off his headphones. He initially thought it would be one of his friends, but instead Sander was here, smiling at him. He would be blatantly lying if he said he it didn't felt nice seeing him. </p><p>“Yeah, I guess you could say that was the point.” Sander teased him.</p><p>“It wasn’t funny!” Robbe could only helplessly sigh. But then a sort of inevitable smile appeared on his face. </p><p>The seconds went on and they started at each other just like that. Sander was so close to him, in the broad light of the day. Robbe couldn't help but appreciate his olive skin and his winter green eyes and his plump pink lips… He quickly looked away. He could only hope Sander hadn’t noticed the weird direction his eyes had went. </p><p>He swallowed hard, and when he talked this time, he couldn’t get rid of the shyness on his voice. “Hello.”  </p><p>Sander cheerfully smiled and said, “Hello. Going home?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Robbe answered while went back to unlocking his bicycle to distract himself. “And you?”</p><p>“Me too. Let’s got together.” Sander said. Robbe was about to agree, but his own readiness made him immediately doubt. Would it be okay?</p><p> “Oh, you’re busy?”</p><p>Hearing Sander made him react again. As Robbe turned to face him, he concluded that he was just making things stupidly awkward. So what if he had seen him for a little too long? Who wouldn’t? Someone like Sander would always be eye-catching for everyone. And Robbe thought Sander was really cool.</p><p>“No, let’s go.” He finally answered. He looked around, almost sighing when he didn’t see anyone familiar and walked along Sander with their bicycles at their sides. It was a good day, the kind of days Robbe loved, where the sky was blue and full of clouds and the sun wasn’t too bright.</p><p>They kept calmly walking as they made small talk about their weekend and when Sander mentioned the pictures he had took, they stopped at some park to take a look at them.</p><p>As Robbe looked through the photos he couldn’t say he was surprised, since he had watched Sander and all that people in full swing that night, but he was impressed anyway. The photos and artworks were amazing, but when saw the pics of the one they had painted, he couldn’t help but feel a little biased towards it. He even felt a little proud of it, even if it was mostly Sander’s work.</p><p>“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Sander commented, looking at the photo. “And now it’s out there, for the whole city to see.”</p><p>“Super.” Robbe hadn’t thought about that, so he felt even more happy. “This is really good.” He said, giving back the pictures, but then Sander gave him back one. “Keep it.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“That was your magnificent debut as a graffiti artist, of course you have to keep this as a memento.”</p><p>Robbe laughed and rolled his eyes but took the photo back anyway. “Right.”</p><p>“I’m serious.”</p><p>“I barely did something!”</p><p>“That's not true. But it doesn’t matter anyway, I can see your potential. We should do it again sometime.” Sander said, winking at him. </p><p>Robbe could only helplessly smile and nod. He liked that idea. “Okay.”</p><p>He looked at the picture of the astronaut and thought about Sander happily talking about David Bowie, showing Robbe his favorite songs… He smiled again. “Why do you like Bowie so much?” Robbe wondered without even realizing he had said out loud, until he looked up and saw a somewhat startled Sander. For the first time, in the really, really short time he had known him, he appeared a little… shy.</p><p>“Yeah, I know, it’s weird. I’ve been told that I’m a bit obsessed with him.” Sander laughed. </p><p>Robbe gasped in surprise. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just curious. Sorry.” Robbe rushed out. Sander tilted his head and smiled a little.</p><p>“It’s not that interesting. I just love his lyrics, so mysterious and deep... And they’re so old but it’s like they still keep a lot of secrets. I like to think about them. They made me feel great when I’m happy and in my… low days, I feel a bit understood, like I’m not alone. You know, typical teenage thoughts.“ Sander rolled his eyes shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. He paused for a moment and then added more enthusiastic, “But that’s not the most important thing... he followed his convictions, defied everything, and what he felt and thought, he always expressed it in the most interesting ways. He was just who he was. He’s the type of artist I aspire to be. Did you know that he was even a mime?”</p><p>Robbe grinned as he saw Sander’s grin. “I didn’t know. That’s cool. I’ll have to check him out.”</p><p>“You’ll have to. I know that maybe it’s a bit soon, but I always do an admission test to all my potential new friends. And it’s a Bowie test.” Sander said raising his eyebrows pointedly.</p><p>Robbe laughed. “An admission test? Alright, I’ll have it in mind.”</p><p>Sander shrugged like he pitied him. “It is what it is.” Then Sander looked at him curiously and asked, “And you? Do you love skating?”</p><p>Robbe blinked in surprise. All sort of thoughts crossed his mind, but he could only ask, “How do you know?”</p><p>Sander blinked too, an indecipherable expression flashing across his face. He looked down and nodded towards him. “Your shirt.” Sander said flatly.</p><p>Robbe looked down and nearly wanted to punch himself when he saw the big <em>Thrasher Skateboard Magazine</em> logo. “Right.” He said in a small, embarrassed voice.</p><p>Fuck! Sander must be thinking he was hopeless or something. It’s just… he didn’t expect that all. He just assumed Sander somehow knew about it, without Robbe knowing, which caught him off guard. He hadn’t even had the time to reflect about how that possibility made him feel, but it didn’t matter anymore.</p><p>“Oh!” Robbe finally sighed. “Yeah, I love it, it’s what I do most of the time these days.”</p><p>“For how long?”</p><p>“Uh… a couple of years, I think? Jens, my best friend, introduced me to it. I wasn’t sure of it at the beginning, but then I got so into it that I just wanted to do it all the time. I still do.” Robbe explained, omitting the embarrassing fact that at the time he believed he had some sort of crush on his best friend, they were so inseparable, that Robbe started skating just for him. But that confusion was already in the past, and now he just liked skating and spending time with Jens.</p><p>“You must be good, right?”</p><p>“I guess I know some tricks.” Robbe shrugged, feeling a little shy again. He thought about Sander and all his hidden talents. He didn’t think he was as nearly as talented as him and made him feel sort of self-conscious. “I think I’m not as good as Jens, at least.”</p><p>Sander narrowed his eyes in disbelief. “Nah, I don’t believe you. I know you’re good.” Robbe laughed and shook his head. “If that's the case... I might politely reject your application.”</p><p>Robbe raised his eyebrows. “Application?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Sander answered like it was the most obvious thing. “For the Bowie test you have to do, remember? But I only want cool friends, so I might have to consider that friend of yours instead.”</p><p> Robbe snorted, rolling his eyes. “Fine. I’m good.”</p><p>“That’s good then. I’ll definitely have to see you sometime. You would give some great shots.” Sander said, wiggling his eyebrows.</p><p>Robbe gaped at him. “Nah, it’s not worth it. It’s just amateur skateboarding!”</p><p>“I don’t care, those shots would be amazing anyway.”</p><p>Robbe suddenly felt very hot. How could he not feel like that with Sander looking at him like that? He felt like those words and eyes had a deep insinuation, but he refused to acknowledge his assumptions. He was misunderstanding. Sander was like this, enthusiast about art and photography. He was just excited at the possibility of some shots he considered interesting. So Robbe just smiled and forced himself to not look away. He could only pray he wasn’t blushing, but his face felt so hot that he knew he was definitely blushing.</p><p>They still spent a couple of hours chatting until they realized it was getting really late and they had to go home. He felt a little embarrassed because he had overthought a lot of things with Sander, but thankfully he had managed it well and he still felt very happy anyway. Sander was a good company and he looked forward to talk more with him. To be friends with him.</p><p>A couple of hours later, he was lying down on his bed and scrolling endlessly through his phone when a notification from Instagram popped up: ‘<em>Earthlingoddity started following you'.</em> He frowned at the name, but when he clicked on the profile he immediately sat up on the bed in amazement. Sander had started following him on Instagram. How on earth had he found him anyway?</p><p>But he was easily distracted by this temptation, so he quickly started to go through his post, not really surprised when he noticed most of them were posts related to music and art. An involuntary smile curved his lips when he found a couple of photos of him, his fingers hesitated over one of the pictures as his eyes admired the handsome boy.</p><p>Robbe sighed, and then quickly followed back Sander and closed the app. He put on some loud music, his headphones and decided to focus on his homework. But then a string of notifications popped up and he was easily distracted. Sander had liked some of his most recent posts. What the hell? Robbe gaped. He hadn’t even dared to like Sander’s pics, but apparently Sander had done it with ease. This was… but before he could think about it, he saw another notification.</p><p>Sander had sent him a message. And Robbe completely forgot about his homework and worries and spent the rest of the of the night chatting with Sander.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank for reading! I hope you're liking the story so far. I'll gladly receive any feedback you have :3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Trip</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for the support!! Really. </p><p>Warning: Ok, so this is the chapter where the major canon divergences start, so be prepared!! Canon completely ends here!! Hahah (It's nothing bad, just something diff). Any kind of feedback will be appreciated!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>M</strong>oyo was talking about the <em>Broerrrs</em> vlogs and some ideas he had to boost the views of the channel. Frankly speaking, Robbe wasn’t interested. At first it was fun, but now Moyo had all of kind of weird ideas and after that embarrassing rap music video they had recently done, Robbe wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep going. When he watched that video, he basically ended up scarred for life. It was so embarrassing. He wouldn’t tell <em>that </em>to his friends, but from now on he would pay more attention and be more careful when he agreed to do another video.</p><p>Actually, it would probably be smart to carefully listen Moyo’s ideas so he wouldn’t have another unpleasant surprise, but it wasn’t that easy. He currently was distracting himself listening to some music instead of listening Moyo…</p><p>“Who’s that? The guy who’s talking with Amber. Who’s that?” He heard Aaron ask in the background.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” A confused Jens asked.</p><p>“Hey! Listen to me!” Moyo immediately protested.</p><p>“No, seriously. Who’s that? Ugh, I can’t see his face!”</p><p>Everyone, including Robbe, followed Aaron’s gaze. He wasn’t really interested but had looked up instinctively and saw a guy dressed all in black walking with Amber.</p><p>He didn’t think much about it and was about to look away when he realized something. He knew him! The reason Aaron couldn’t see his face was because he was wearing a hoodie that hide his hair and face.</p><p>But it didn’t matter, Robbe knew it was him. He would recognize that black jacket and green school bag anywhere. What the hell? He didn’t know what surprised him the most: being able to distinguish Sander so easily or Sander walking along with Amber.</p><p>Robbe followed them with his gaze until they stopped the table where Jana and the rest of the girls were waiting for Amber. He felt curious, but the exchange between the girls and Sander was brief, he just waved at them and kept going. The girls stared at his retreating back before they went back to talk to each other.</p><p>“What do you even care?” Jens asked. Once Sander had disappeared, Robbe blinked and listened the conversation between his friends that he had tuned out.</p><p>“What if he is her boyfriend or something?” Aaron asked, turning his head over and over to look at everyone. “He is not her boyfriend, right? Right? Ugh, I couldn’t even get to see his face.”</p><p>“What difference is going to make for you anyway? It’s not like you’ve done <em>something</em>. Just forget about it.” Moyo mocked him.  </p><p>“Do you think he’s her boyfriend?” Aaron insisted. Moyo just shrugged, showing he didn’t even care enough to guess.</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous. Just because you’ve seen her talking with a guy doesn’t have to mean it’s her boyfriend.” Jens, the voice of reason of the group, replied. “Maybe they’re just friends or classmates.”</p><p>“A friend…! Right.”</p><p>His friends kept talking, but Robbe became more and more immersed in his own thoughts. He didn’t even consider the possibility of Sander and Amber being a couple. It was something unimaginable. It’s not like he knew them that well, but it was enough to realize they were completely opposites.</p><p>But he was curious anyway. After all, he hadn’t seen Sander in the last few days and now he appeared with <em>Amber </em>of all the people.</p><p>It wasn’t like they didn’t talk to each other anymore. They talked every now and then through Instagram, but not like that first two days. He couldn’t understand what was happening.</p><p>Sander suddenly had appeared in his life and they quickly started to become friends, but then... everything became slow. Sander wrote less and Robbe did the same, because he didn’t know what to do. He had worried a little a couple of times, thinking that maybe Sander had lost his interest, but he didn’t do anything.</p><p>He didn’t want to look like he was some guy desperate for a friend, so he did his best to appear casual and indifferent. Robbe resisted the urge to keep chatting, hoping Sander would keep doing it as enthusiastic as he did those first times, but he didn’t.</p><p>Even worse, Sander hadn’t approached him at school again. This was actually the first time Robbe saw him since the day he had showed him his pictures.</p><p>He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a bit disappointed and confused. Had he done something without knowing? Maybe Sander had noticed the confusing feelings and thoughts Robbe had around him. Or maybe Sander was just a friendly guy that had wanted to talk with Robbe just a couple of times and that was it. It hadn’t been a big deal for him. Or maybe Sander had realized Robbe was plain boring. If it was the case, there wasn’t much he could do.</p><p>Sander suddenly had appeared and changed everything in just a couple of meetings, so much, that Robbe really had wanted to be friends with him but now…</p><p>He looked at his phone, thinking that maybe he could take the initiative of talking to him first. Approaching him at school just like that wasn’t an option. He still felt too shy to do it.</p><p>He quietly sighed.</p><p>Even trying to talk to him through messages was already difficult for him, for some reason. Robbe couldn’t understand why he was hesitating so much.</p><p>After some consideration, he concluded: So what if Sander just ignored him? It wasn’t a big deal. He barely knew the guy! This fact made him wonder why he was giving this situation so much importance. Sander was a nice guy, but if they weren’t meant to be friends then it was okay.</p><p>With this thought in his mind, he put away his phone and went back to his classes.</p><p>But it was like Sander was everywhere. He realized this when he was walking with his lunch tray looking for a free table at the cafeteria when he heard a name. Sander. He stopped on his tracks before he could stop himself, looking at the source of the voice.</p><p>He blinked when he saw Jana, Yasmina and Luca. They were talking about Sander? He blushed when the girls stopped talking and looked at him in confusion.</p><p>“Hi.” Robbe quickly said, smiling at them like saying hello to them had been his intent all along.</p><p>“Hey Robbe.”</p><p>“Want to sit with us?” Jana asked.</p><p>Robbe hesitated, still embarrassed. “Uh… you sure?”</p><p>“Sure, sure.” Jana said. Robbe took the free seat and tried to act normal, hoping they didn’t think he was eavesdropping. But Jana immediately asked about how Robbe felt about the new flat. He smiled. At first, he had been really annoyed with the girls and their interest in his problems. He hadn’t wanted pity or help or anyone knowing about his problems. He didn’t want to feel vulnerable. But only good things had come out of this temporal living arrangement, and now he really felt grateful.</p><p>“It’s really good. Thank you, for everything.”</p><p>“You don’t have to thank me. That’s what are friends for.”</p><p>They smiled at each other and chatted for a bit, before the other two girls chimed in and the conversation drifted towards the trip <em>everyone</em> was planning to go.</p><p>Robbe wasn’t even sure he wanted to go. It was an entire week, he wouldn’t have much time to be alone and his friends would be nagging him all the time, but as soon as he thought that, he felt guilty.</p><p>He couldn’t keep going like this. He had to try his best, find some way to fix the relationship he had with his friends. The other option would be isolating himself and being truly alone. He didn’t want that. Even if they didn’t have much in common lately, he had great moments with them. He still did… sometimes.</p><p>With all these thoughts on his mind, he kept eating his lunch, absentmindedly listening the girls talking. They had to go a while later, but Robbe decided to stay for a little more, so they said they goodbyes and left.</p><p>He watched them go a little regretfully, remembering he still didn’t have a clue about what was going with Sander. He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel curious, but it wasn’t like he just could ask them.</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>He might just forget about it. It wasn’t like him to be this nosy. It’s just that he had this desire of knowing everything about him, as ridiculous as it sounded.</p><p>He had left the cafeteria and was walking through the halls of the school when he saw Sander walking fast towards him, looking down like he didn’t want to be recognized or bothered by anyone.</p><p>They quickly crossed paths and a dumfounded Robbe turned around to see Sander keep walking forward without noticing him. Sander surprised him when he suddenly stopped and turned around too. They stared at each other, hesitating, before Sander blinked and smiled a little. Just a little.  </p><p>It wasn’t like Robbe knew Sander that much, but even so he could clearly see something was going on. Before he could wonder what, Sander returned and approached him.</p><p>“Hey… I almost missed you. How are you doing?” Sander said to him. Even if he seemed a little off, he was still trying to be as cheerful as always.</p><p>“I’m good. And you?”</p><p>Sander let out a long sigh. “It’s been a long day. But I’m leaving. Finally.” He smiled a little more animated and looked at him with curiosity. “And you? Are you finished?  Want to get out of here?”</p><p>Robbe opened his mouth to tell him that he actually had two classes left but closed it. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He was actually considering skipping classes! But what could he do? Classes would always be there for a whole year, but Sander…</p><p>“Yeah… I’m… I’m done.” Robbe blurted out. He just hoped he didn’t sound too insincere. Sander smiled and they left school together, ending up in the same park of the other time. They took a quiet place and sat down in the grass, sheltering from the sun under a big tree. Robbe watched as Sander sighed took of his jacket and hoodie, staying only with a shirt.</p><p>Sander took out a joint and lit it up, then he took a long drag and closed his eyes. “I really needed this.” Sander said after a moment and then offered it to him.</p><p>“Was it that bad?”</p><p>Sander turned and let out a soundless laugh. “It <em>is</em> really bad. I hate being there.”</p><p>Robbe frowned. “At the school?” The other boy nodded. “Why?”</p><p>Sander hesitated, before letting a long sigh as he looked at the sky. “This is really embarrassing but… I’m actually repeating the year.” He admitted in a quiet voice.</p><p>Robbe blinked. His mind came up with a dozen different questions he didn’t dare to voice out. Sander went on.</p><p>“Something happened and now I’m stuck another year in high school.” He smiled a bit sad to Robbe, who could only look at him. “But it’s like this already, as much as I hate it. I just want to get over with it quickly and go to college.”</p><p>Robbe was glad he hadn’t dared to ask him, because it was clear that Sander didn’t want to talk much about it. Robbe had wanted to tell him that his situation wasn’t something embarrassing or bad, but how could he say something like that? He didn’t even know what happened, so of course he couldn’t say anything to make him feel better. Even if he knew, he wasn’t sure he would know what he could say.</p><p>“What do you want to study?”</p><p>“Photography.“ Sander said, his eyes twinkling with happiness. Robbe smiled.</p><p>He didn’t even know what he wanted to study, when he thought about it, he felt a bit scared, but he felt happy every time he saw people that were so passionate and talented about something that they didn’t have second thoughts about their futures.</p><p>“As you may have seen, I really love it, so I’m a bit impatient. All those high school subjects are so boring.” Sander sighed in pity, but then he smiled again and looked at him. “But you are there too, so it’s not that bad now. It’s a shame you’re a second year though. We can only see each other after school.”</p><p>Robbe could only helplessly laugh, feeling his cheeks on fire, his heart almost fluttering. What else could he do when Sander said that kind of stuff?</p><p>“Oh, by the way… Are you going to that beach trip?” Sander suddenly asked. That made Robbe’s embarrassment disappear. He blinked and looked at Sander with confusion and curiosity.</p><p>“How do you know about that?”</p><p>“Oh that… Amber told me about it. She said she’s arranging it with her friends and classmates. She mentioned you.”</p><p>“Amber? Are you friends with Amber?”</p><p>“Friends?” Sander laughed, like he thought the idea was ridiculous. “Yeah… it’s not that simple.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>Sander took another drag and shrugged. “We know each other through our parents. My mother and her father have been dating for like three years or something.”</p><p>Robbe tried not to show how shocked he felt. Of all the things he had thought about, this wasn’t something he expected. “We’ve been living together for a few months and we’re still adjusting… I’ve known her for a long time, but now everything is different. We even go to the same school. It’s just like this.” Sander shrugged again.</p><p>“It is that bad?”</p><p>“She’s not that bad. It’s just… we’re a bit incompatible. But I’m trying my best for my mom. I want her to be happy.” Sander smiled a little sad. “And he wants me to go with this trip with her, she thinks we could improve our relationship.”</p><p>Robbe nodded.  </p><p>“And you, are you friends with her?” Sander asked after a moment.</p><p>“Uhm…“ Robbe hesitated and shook his head, trying not to laugh. “No, we haven’t really talked a lot. I have a good relationship with some of her other friends though.”</p><p>Sander nodded. “Her friends seem really nice.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Are you going to the trip then?”</p><p>Robbe scratched his head. “I don’t know yet.”</p><p>“You don’t know? You have to go. Don’t leave me alone with Amber and her friends.”</p><p>“They seem to be cool.”</p><p>“I don’t know them.”</p><p>“You don’t really know me either!” Robbe laughed.</p><p>“Oh, that’s actually a good reason to go!“ Sander said, like he was approving some suggestion Robbe had made. “We have to fix that.” Sander said wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive way. Robbe didn’t know what to do, so he could only laugh.</p><p>“So you’re really going?”</p><p>“Hmm.” Sander nodded. “It’s a good opportunity to rest a little, even with Amber around.” The two boys laughed.  </p><p>Before they went home, Sander made Robbe promise he would think about it, but in his way home, he realized there wasn’t a lot to think about. Of course he would go. This was a good opportunity to try to fix his friendship with his friends and maybe getting to know Sander a little more, understanding him a little more. It was just a week with his friends. What could possibly go wrong?</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>On Friday afternoon he, Jens, Aaron and Moyo arrived at the beachside house where Amber seemed to have things running. Robbe wasn’t surprised at all. She inmediatly took them to the room where they would be sleeping.</p><p>“The girls will sleep there, and you’ll sleep here. Come in.” Amber was explaining, as they walked into the house.</p><p>Robbe almost jumped when he looked around and saw Sander leaning against the doorway in a casual way. He took him in. Today had discarded his characteristic black jacket and was wearing a plain t-shirt.</p><p>“Uh, this is Sander.” Amber flatly said. “And they’re Jens, Aaron, Moyo and Robbe.”</p><p>His friends and Sander nodded at each other. Neither Amber nor Sander offered more information, so Robbe thought the conversation would just move on, but of course, he had underestimated Aaron.</p><p>“Who’s he?” Aaron asked, squinting his eyes with suspicion at the white-haired boy. Sander just crossed his arms and patiently waited for Amber to explain, who in return sent an exasperated look in Aaron’s way. Robbe noticed while Amber appeared plain uncomfortable, Sander appeared amused by the situation.</p><p>He didn’t know Amber that much and Sander hadn’t mentioned anything, but it seemed like she didn’t want anyone to know the circumstances of their relationship for some reason.</p><p>“He’s a friend.” Amber said with a strained voice.</p><p>At her side, Sander nodded with a very serious expression. “Yeah, a friend.” He repeated, but Robbe noticed the hint of amusement on his voice.</p><p>Aaron kept looking at them with a dumb and suspicious expression. It seemed like, as clueless as he was, he suspected they were hiding something. He opened his mouth again, but to Robbe’s surprise, Jens put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. Luckily Aaron took the hint and Amber took the opportunity to move on.  </p><p>As she was saying something about the bunk beds, Robbe and Sander shared a secret look. Unlike the last time they had seen each other, it was like he was shining, being all happy eyes and smile. Of course, he didn’t dare to think that Sander was this happy because of him, but Robbe realized he felt happy because of Sander.</p><p>“And what about this room? With the two single beds.” Jens was asking, hearing his voice made Robbe look away fast.</p><p>“Uh, for the couples, so they have some privacy.” Amber answered. Moyo scoffed.</p><p>“Couples? What couples? I don’t think there’s any couple. Maybe you should leave it empty in case someone…”</p><p>“In case someone snores too loud.” Aaron chimed in. Everyone but Amber mocked him, even Sander looked at him like he was an idiot. His expression was so comical that Robbe almost laughed.   </p><p>“Yeah for example.” Jens said while Moyo shook his head.</p><p>“No, just in case two people need some alone time.” Moyo said suggestively. Amber just smiled and shook her head.</p><p>“Oh? Really?” Luca said appearing from nowhere. “Then you should take a good look at it, Moyo, because it will be last time you’ll see that room.”</p><p>Everyone started to laugh at Moyo while he just glared at Luca, who in return threw him one last mocking glance before going outside. Robbe looked at her retreating back, she was amazing. He wished he could come up with those kinds of amazing retorts every time Moyo messed with him.</p><p>“Okay, okay, then you should get settled in.” Amber said, she then turned to Sander with a wary expression. “Will you go to the supermarket then?”</p><p>“Sure, why not? I’ll need an extra pair of hands though.” Sander pretended to look around. “Uh, I guess… I’ll take him.” He said, nodding in Robbe’s way.</p><p>Robbe sent him back a confused glance. Sander wanted him to go along?</p><p>“If that’s okay with you… Uh, Robin?” he added, feigning innocence, but his voice laced with mirth betrayed him.</p><p>“It’s Robbe.” Amber said with exasperation.</p><p>“Oh, right, Robbe. Sorry man.” Sander laughed.</p><p>Robbe almost laughed too, but instead he bit his lip and tried to keep a neutral face. It was in that moment that he realized both of them hadn’t even bothered to clarify that they knew each other. Robbe had wanted to keep it as a secret because he didn’t want his friends to know that he had lied to them, but Sander? He wondered why he hadn’t said anything. Robbe squinted his eyes and concluded that he seemed to enjoy messing around with people.</p><p>“Uhm… yeah, yeah, no problem.”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll go get the money.” Amber said before walking off. Sander was about to follow her but sent an expectant glance in his way. Just to reassure himself, he looked at the guys who were already picking the beds.</p><p>“Uh, you don’t want to go, right?”</p><p>He met with nothing but silences, grimaces and looks of pity. They were betraying him, leaving him alone with the shopping task. If this were different circumstances, Robbe wouldn’t let them get away with this, he would make them go, but this situation was different.</p><p>Right now, he was just happy because he would spend some time alone with Sander. He waved goodbye at his friends and rushed outside before they could change their minds, as unlikely as it seemed.</p><p>“Here is the list and the money. Please, make sure you buy healthy food, alright?” Amber said, sending them a very stern look that Robbe decided to take into account.</p><p>Sander just raised his eyebrows at the list, so Robbe took the list instead. Sander made an exasperated face and rolled his eyes at Amber, who in return just only sighed.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p> </p><p> “Okay… Uh, it says water, bread, cheese…” Sander pushed the shopping cart around the supermarket while Robbe was checking out Amber’s list.</p><p>“What?” Sander asked disbelief, taking the list from him.</p><p>“Water? Nope. Cheese? Maybe. Tomatoes? Nope. Lettuce? Nope. Yogurt? Nope. Granola? What the hell?” Sander made a face and gave him back the list. “What is this? A school trip? Nope, we have to buy some good food.”</p><p>“But Amber said…”</p><p>“Amber is not here, Robbe.” Sander said, giving him a look.</p><p>Robbe just shook his head, amazed, and asked, “Are you seriously not buying the things from her list?”</p><p>“Well… <em>maybe</em>. But I also have other stuff in my mind. Or do you want healthy food too?” Sander asked him while checking out some stuff from the aisles.</p><p>“Well… I wouldn’t mind. I’ve been eating a lot of salads that Zoë makes for us these days. She likes to make all that nutritious stuff, so I guess I’m kind of used to it.”</p><p>“Hmm… Zoë? Amber’s friend?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah, we are roommates. I share a flat with her and two other guys.”</p><p>“Oh. How did you end up sharing a flat with her?”</p><p>“Uh… some family issues.” Robbe said with a small voice. “I can’t stay with my parents right now so… Zoë helped me out. It’s only temporary.”</p><p>“You’re okay now?”</p><p>“I’m good. They’re all amazing.” Robbe smiled and Sander nodded.</p><p>He suddenly stopped and took one bottle of ketchup from the shelves and shook it front of Robbe’s face. “Look, tomatoes, problem solved! We have that healthy food now!”</p><p>“What!?” Robbe laughed and then rolled his eyes. “Sander, come on…”</p><p>“I’m serious!”</p><p>“Aren’t you going to get in trouble with Amber?” Robbe couldn’t help but ask.  </p><p>“So what? This is supposed to be a fun trip. I might have to remind her that.” Robbe could only helplessly shake his head, when Sander saw him, he added:</p><p>I’m just joking. Don’t worry, I’ll buy her healthy food, but I’ll buy some good food too. It’ll be a win-win.”</p><p>Sander’s face lit up and he grinned like a little excited child. “Wait. Listen to <em>that</em>!”</p><p>A fascinated Robbe watched Sander close his eyes and throw his head back in absolute bliss. He looked so beautiful and happy and Robbe was so entranced by him that he didn’t even mind his confusing thoughts. <em>Rebel, Rebel</em>. He recognized this song. Sander had happily sung it on the first day they met and now here we has again.</p><p>“Get on!” Robbe sent him a startled look. “Get on the shopping cart! We have to feel this song.”</p><p>“No, no…”</p><p>“Come on. I know what I’m doing. Trust me.”</p><p>“Sander…”</p><p>“You are wasting away the song! Come on!”</p><p>He sighed but got on the shopping cart anyway, holding on tight to it, already guessing where this was going. Sander started to push the cart more and more fast as they strolled through the aisles, singing that song and dodging people and things. He had clenched his teeth expecting the worst, but when he saw this big and bright grin on Sander’s face, he decided to let it go. He smiled too and started grabbing all the junk food that found in his way.  </p><p>They were only looking at each other, lost in the moment, in their own chaotic thoughts. Neither of them saw it coming, until Robbe crashed against something and fell on the floor.</p><p>The fall and the sounds of something falling scared the hell out of him. He looked around and saw boxes all around him. Just as Robbe searched for Sander with a dumfounded look, some more boxes fell over him.</p><p>“Oops.” That was all Sander said. Robbe gaped at him. He didn’t even seem sorry!</p><p> “I thought you knew what you were doing?” he said incredulous, standing up fast.</p><p>“Let’s go!” Sander muttered, looking around. Robbe remembered they were in a supermarket, so he looked around with nervousness. Nobody was around.</p><p>“I’m not leaving these boxes like this!” Robbe said.</p><p>A dramatic Sander sighed and actually <em>pouted</em>. “You’re too good!” He said but started gathering the boxes along with Robbe. They were lucky that they didn’t have anything fragile inside.</p><p>They quickly managed to put the boxes back in place and walked off.</p><p>“You’re not upset, are you?” Sander asked a little hesitant, scratching his head.</p><p>“No, not at all. I was just embarrassed and nervous.” Robbe laughed. “I don’t know how you manage to act so chill.”</p><p>Sander looked at him for a moment. “I’m sorry. That was stupid.”</p><p>He shook his head and laughed. “No, it’s okay. I was a bit anxious, that’s all.”</p><p>Sander smiled. “Okay.”</p><p>Once they got back to the house a while later, everyone was playing football in the sand, except for Amber who was waiting for them in the kitchen with a stern expression. Yeah… their little trip to the supermarket had taken them a while.</p><p>Robbe and Sander started to unload the groceries, fast and in silence, exchanging some amused and secret glances as they felt the weight of Amber’s annoyed stare. But when Amber started to make confused and angry sounds as she checked out the groceries, Robbe felt like a bad person for wanting to laugh.</p><p>“What’s all of this!?” She said, when she couldn’t hold on her frustration anymore. They both turned around and received a glare from Amber. She grabbed a bag full of marshmallows like it was the most disgusting thing she’d ever touched. “What it’s this?”</p><p> “Uh, marshmallows.” Sander answered, acting all serious and confused. Maybe people that didn’t know Sander that well could would have believed it, but Robbe didn’t believe it and neither Amber it seemed.</p><p>“What for!?”</p><p>“Are you kidding me? To burn them on the fire, of course, and make some s’mores.” Sander answered disbelieving.</p><p>“What’s even that?” Amber said flatly. “And this? Chips? Soda? None of this was on the list, Sander! It’s completely garbage food!”</p><p>Robbe looked at Amber’s upset face and decided that it was a good moment to get out of here. Amber didn’t even look in his way when he walked away, completely focused on Sander. He thought they would argue, but Sander kept his cool, explaining Amber that he had bought a lot healthy food too, that she didn’t need to be so upset over this.</p><p>He was smiling a little as he approached the beach where all his friends were still playing. He sat down in the sand, deciding to rest and enjoy the sight in front of him. He felt happy, he couldn’t help it. A smile appeared on his face every time he thought about Sander. And even though he wanted to pay attention to the game, his mind kept going back to the boy that he had left in the kitchen. </p><p> “Hey. How you’re doing?” Jens said as he sat down beside him a few minutes later, taking a break from the game. By then, Robbe had already sobered up after he had realized that he was feeling abnormally happy only because of Sander.</p><p>“Fine. Just resting a little after that shopping trip.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you alone with that.” Jens said grimacing, looking genuinely sorry. Robbe smiled at him and shook his head.</p><p>“Nah, it was good. I wasn’t alone.”</p><p>“Oh right… you went with that white-haired dude, right?”</p><p>He laughed at that. “Sander.”</p><p>“Right. Is he chill?”</p><p>“Yeah, he’s nice.” Robbe admitted but feigned a little indifference when he found himself thinking about all the amazing and interesting things that he had noticed about Sander and wanted to tell Jens. All the questions and doubts he knew he had but couldn’t even discern. “He’s gotten into trouble with Amber though.” He said, trying to distract himself.</p><p>“What even happened?” Jens snorted.  </p><p>“Yeah… When we were at the store he started grabbing a lot of junk. Amber wanted healthy food and she’s angry. I don’t even know. I just had to get out of there.”</p><p>“Man…” Jens shook his head, smiling with amusement.</p><p>“And what about you? Are you having a good time?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jens nodded, his eyes automatically going to Jana.</p><p>“How long are you both going to keep doing this?” Robbe asked after a moment.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” Jens asked, still looking at Jana. </p><p>“You and Jana? Just talk already.”</p><p>“I wish it was that simple.” Jens replied shaking his head.</p><p>Robbe almost scoffed but stopped himself, remembering that even if it wasn’t completely his fault, he still had some fault on their breakup. Jana and Jens had shrugged it off when he talked them about it, but Robbe still felt guilty every time he thought about what he had ruined between them.</p><p>Since there wasn’t much time left before it got dark, after a while the group finished the game and went back to the house to get everything ready for tonight. When Robbe walked back to the house he immediately saw outside, working diligently in the fire of the dinner. Robbe bit back a smile when he imagined Amber scolding him and forcing him to start the fire and god knew what else to make up for the junk food he had bought.</p><p>But then, Sander didn’t seem like a person who would do whatever someone else told him to do, so he guessed he was doing this on his own. Sander glared at him when he approached him.</p><p>“What?” Robbe asked.</p><p>“You left me, you traitor. <em>With Amber</em>.” Sander said feigning disappointment while Robbe laughed at him.</p><p>“How was it?”</p><p>Sander sighed. “She has her healthy food, so it’s alright.”</p><p>“Okay.” Robbe smiled. “Do you need help with that?”</p><p>“Oh? You know what to do?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’ve camped a couple of times.”</p><p>“Cool. Then let’s do it.”</p><p>So they started to work in a comfortable silence, exchanging secret glances and little smiles.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I remember that on the first eps of S3 (well, all the season, actually) we were really curious about Sander's relationship with Amber because: a)Sander originally only followed her on IG , b)on EP3 he acted curiously different with her, c)besides Robbe, I think Amber was one of the few persons Sander often talked/mentioned during the trip.</p><p>I don't know if it was something random or if it will be eventually explained on S4, but I thought it would be really interesting using and exploring this plot on my story (Sander and Amber being something like "stepbrothers"). Lastly, I'm not bashing Amber, I hope you don't think that after reading the chapter, I'm just trying to reflect their relationship: I perceive Amber as a girl who always wants to be in control of everything, while Sander only wants to live his life in peace, so they would surely clash and annoy each other, like we saw a bit on the show. </p><p>Anyway, I hope you keep reading! Love &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Campfire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it took a little more! I'm trying to update at least once every week BUT I suddenly have an epiphany and I came up with ideas to write three stories! lmao. I hope I can publish them when I'm more advanced with this story.  Anyway here you have, a considerable long chapter, hope you like it!  I'm almost done with the next chapter, so I hope I can upload it in a few hours or tomorrow. </p><p>I'm very grateful for the support of everyone! Special thanks to the three lovely people who made my day with their comments &lt;3 Be safe everyone!! </p><p>Warnings: Thoughts and talks about mental health issues. A lot of sexual tension. Gay panicking. Unbetaed chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The music and voices inside the house were loud. They all had gone inside after dinner but had decided Robbe stayed outside for a while. The wind was messing with his hair as he sat near the fire and watched the dancing flames. He was glad everyone else was inside partying, because right now he just wanted to be alone, like this, just watching and doing nothing. This would be perfect; except he couldn’t stop thinking about certain stuff. <em>That</em> wouldn’t leave him alone.</p><p>He was turning around his phone in his hands, thinking about his mom. He wouldn’t be visiting her the next week and felt anxious and guilty about that. And his father kept nagging him, but Robbe was angry and couldn’t deal with him right now, so he just ignored him. But his mom, he wouldn’t ignore her, so he was dreading the moment she would send him a message asking him why he wasn’t visiting her anymore.</p><p>He should text her first. He knew it, but he couldn’t do it anyway. And it was completely stupid, but he couldn’t face her, and he didn’t know what he should say. He kept failing her. He kept doing everything wrong.</p><p>“Hey!” Robbe looked away from the fire and turned to see Sander as he fell on the chair beside him. He was a bit surprised of seeing him here. While everyone was having fun inside, Robbe had been sitting here on his own for a while. He didn’t feel alone or bad about it, but other persons would probably think he was a bit pitiful or weird.</p><p>If Sander had seen him like this before, Robbe would probably have been a bit embarrassed of Sander seeing him like this, but these last days he started to feel like understood the other boy a little more. He’d realized that for some reason he seemed to like to be alone even more than Robbe. It was a bit disconcerting, since Sander most of time was a cheerful and extrovert person, but it was like this.  </p><p>He kept a really low profile at school and even though he had come to a trip with a bunch of strangers and was friendly enough, he still didn’t talk a lot either. So Robbe didn’t feel caught off guard or startled, he just smiled.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“I’m just thinking. Don’t you know? Self-reflection is mandatory when it comes to campfires.” Robbe scoffed. Sander scoffed back.</p><p>“What!? No… this is supposed to be a fun trip, what’s there to think about? The last thing I want to do now, or ever, is <em>think</em>.” He huffed. “Here. This should be more fun.” Sander raised a bag of marshmallows, cookies and chocolates he’d brought with him. “I know how to make the best s’mores in the world, you just wait.”</p><p>“Alright.” Robbe laughed.</p><p>“It’s been a while since I’ve done this, you know? It brings good memories back.” Sander was saying as he roasted the marshmallows and Robbe watched him. “I used to go camping with my parents every summer and my mom made these incredible s’mores.”</p><p>“Super.” Robbe said, admiring Sander’s soft smile.</p><p>“And you? Did you have any traditions?”</p><p>Robbe sobered up a little and shook his head. “Uh, no, not really.”</p><p>“You must have something.” </p><p>Robbe shook his head again but then he paused, realizing that Sander had already told him a lot about himself. At least he could do the same.</p><p>“Uh… we never did those kinds of things. My mom… didn’t like going out and my dad well… he was never there so…” He shrugged.</p><p>Sander didn’t say anything, probably noticing Robbe’s hesitation, and kept roasting the marshmallows. Robbe felt thankful. When Sander had talked him a little about his mom and he had noticed the nostalgic feeling in his words, so it seemed they both had similar family issues and they could just accept and respect each other wishes of not revealing a lot.</p><p>“It’s done! Get ready to be mindblown!” Sander was saying as they waited for the sweet sandwich to cool off a little. But Robbe wasn’t prepared to Sander’s intention of offering him the treat straight in the mouth. He paused before leaning in and accepting the bite. He nearly choked he couldn’t manage Sander intense started anymore.</p><p>“And? Best s’more ever?” Sander asked him expectant, as Robbe chewed slowly</p><p>“Best s’more ever.”</p><p>He honestly didn’t remember eating something like this before (though he decided to keep this fact for himself), but he was sure this would be the first and best S’more he would eat in his whole life.</p><p>He watched Sander bring one to his mouth and eat it, but then he started stick out his tongue to lick and suck his fingers. What was this? He’d had a fire in front of his face for the last twenty minutes, but he suddenly was feeling hot everywhere. He looked away, but that didn’t tune out the interesting sounds Sander made.</p><p>“This is so good! I missed it!”</p><p>“Fuck!” he exclaimed a few minutes later, shaking hard the fingers that had accidentally touched the scorching chocolate bar. Robbe had tried to distract himself by making another s’more with pitiful results. He sighed, looking at the chocolate that now lay in the dirt.</p><p>“You okay?” Sander asked, a hint of amusement in his voice. Robbe nodded as he licked his fingers, Sander eyes following the motion. “I think now I know why your roommate feeds you. You must be really hopeless.”</p><p>“What!? No, it’s nothing like that.” Robbe exclaimed blushing. It was because of Sander! Wait, why would that be Sander’s fault?</p><p>“Who even touches something fresh from the fire with his bare hands?” Sander was laughing so hard now.</p><p>“I just… I don’t know. Me I guess.” Robbe shook his head, smiling and looking at Sander from the corner of his eye. He was shaking, laughing silently at him which provoked his own laugh despite the embarrassment.</p><p>“Let me see.”</p><p>“It’s really fine.” Robbe replied, but Sander just pulled his hand and looked at it.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll lick them for you.” Sander suddenly said.</p><p>Robbe averted his hand like Sander had been the one to burn him. “What!?”</p><p>“I was joking.” Sander laughed. “But you’re okay, right?”</p><p>Robbe was nodding when Aaron appeared out of nowhere. “What are you doing!?” He asked, sitting down in one of the chairs. Robbe’s heart nearly leaped out of his chest. He had completely forgot they weren’t alone in this place! They two boys quickly sobered up, Robbe looked at Aaron while Sander kept roasting marshmallows.</p><p>“S’mores.” Sander answered, his gaze fixed on the fire.  </p><p>“S’mores? Like in the American series and movies?” Aaron asked.</p><p>Sander snorted looking at Aaron, but nodded. “I guess so.”</p><p>“Cool. I know how to make them too. Maybe I could make some for Amber… What do you think Robbe?”</p><p>“Amber?” Sander asked puzzled.</p><p>“Yeah. He kind of likes her.” Robbe clarified in a low voice, trying not sound amused for the sake of his friend. He wondered what Sander would think about it.  </p><p>Sander shamelessly snorted again. “You like Amber?”</p><p>Aaron nodded, a little shy.</p><p>”Alright… But just so you know, the s’mores are a big no when it comes to her.”</p><p>“What? Why?”</p><p>“Why, you ask? <em>Don’t you know Amber?</em> She doesn’t like this kind of food…!” Sander answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world, looking at Aaron with pity.</p><p>Fortunately, Aaron as clueless as ever, didn’t even notice. He was busy considering Sander’s words, but at the same time looking at him with suspicion.</p><p>“How do you know?”</p><p>“Didn’t you hear her earlier? We’re… friends.”</p><p>“You’re not secretly dating, right?” Aaron insisted. Sander laughed at him and Robbe couldn’t help but do the same.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Nothing. We’re just friends, but I know her well enough.”</p><p>“I think he’s right. She doesn’t seem to like this stuff.” Robbe offered, Aaron sighed helplessly.</p><p>“What should I do then!? Robbe, help me.”</p><p>Robbe just gaped at him, shaking his head. Although he didn’t have much experience, Robbe guessed that he probably was even more clueless that Aaron when it came to these things, even if it hurt him to admit it.</p><p>“I… I don’t really know Amber either. Maybe… you could ask her if she wants something to drink? The point is… offering something she would like? I don’t know.” Robbe shrugged, feeling helpless.</p><p>“Yeah. Uh, just… take it easy. Try to be his friend first.” Sander suggested. Robbe nodded in support.  </p><p>Amber was… complicated, but she seemed a nice girl and Aaron was nice too, so Robbe sincerely wished Aaron’s efforts had their recompense.</p><p>“Okay, okay. I’ll do it.” Aaron said, suddenly standing up. He nodded nervously to himself, before going back inside.</p><p>“Man, I wish the best for your friend, but I’m not really sure if it’s going to work. Amber can be a little… particular. I hope it works for him.” Sander said as they watched Aaron go back to the house. Robbe just shook his head.</p><p>“You don’t like her, do you?” Robbe asked after a moment of curiosity.</p><p>“No, it’s not like that.” Sander answered calmly, his eyes fixated in the fire. “It’s not the cliché that people tend to think. It’s not like I don’t like because she’s the daughter of my mom’s boyfriend. I’ve known her for a long time, I guess, and now I know she’s nice.”</p><p>“But?”</p><p>“We’re completely opposites….!” Sander helplessly sighed. “She can be a little patronizing and controlling, you know? She likes to boss people around, that’s why sometimes it can be difficult. I’m so messy and she hates messy. But I try hard, for my mom.”</p><p>“You’re a really good son.” Robbe replied in a low voice, smiling a little. Sander kept saying he just wanted to make his mom happy.</p><p>“I’m not.” Sander snorted, shaking his head. “But I try to be one. And why do you say it like that?” He looked at Robbe.</p><p>“Because I’m not a good son, but… I don’t even know if I’m even trying to be one.” He muttered, staring at the fire and thinking about his parents.</p><p>“I don’t know why you’re saying that… but you’re a really nice person. It’s hard to believe you could be a bad son.”</p><p>Robbe didn’t know what to say, so instead he asked, “And you’re not? A nice person I mean.”</p><p>“I don’t know. But I do know I say and do stupid things that I regret all the time.” Sander replied in a bitter, mocking voice.</p><p>Robbe was surprised and didn’t know what to say. All this time he’d had admired Sander, thinking he was amazing because he was always so happy, loud, carefree and confident, while he was always quiet, sad, angry and tired because of everything. But the more time he spent with Sander he realized things weren’t that simple and his perception was naïve and shallow. Despite his colorful personality he preferred to be alone and now he even said things like these. Robbe kind of thought before that Sander was a bit shameless, but at the same time he thought he was a nice and happy person, it was hard to imagine Sander doing and saying things so bad that he regretted them.</p><p>The two boys stayed in silence for a long moment, neither of them knowing what they could say now, lost in their own thoughts.</p><p>Sander sighed. “Anyway. This has become a really gloomy conversation, don’t you think?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Robbe replied, almost relieved.</p><p>But they still didn’t know what to say. The sudden awkwardness between them was painful and palpable. He could only guess what Sander was thinking. Maybe he felt the same as him, like he had exposed too much of himself in just one night. But it was worse for Robbe, because Sander had tried to comfort him, but Robbe wasn’t able to. As always, he sucked when it came to talking or comforting people.</p><p>“Maybe we should go inside.” Robbe suggested a while later, unable stand the awkward silence that had extended between them.</p><p>He stood up and looked at Sander expectantly, but the other shook his head and offered him a little smile. “You go. I’ll stay here for a while.”</p><p>Robbe hesitated, before he nodded and went inside.</p><p>He kept wondering what the hell was going on for the rest of the whole night. He didn’t recognize himself anymore. He couldn’t believe he had admitted those kinds of things in a sudden urge, only because someone had asked him the one thing he had been wanting to get off of his chest for a long time. He hadn’t even been this honest with Jens, his best friend, and that was scary, since he’d only had known this guy for weeks, but he already felt this comfortable with him and he also wanted to comfort him so bad.</p><p>He could blame it to the alcohol and weed he’d taken through the evening, but this time his excuse was lame and weak even in his own mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p><br/>Robbe cursed to himself as he sighed and took his phone to take look at the time. Eight AM. He’d had a horrible night of sleep, one of those nights where he was asleep but could feel himself still thinking between dreams. Thinking about his mom, about his dad, his friends and now even Sander…</p><p>He really hated and even dreaded it. Sleeping was supposed to be just that… sleeping, not fucking thinking, but of course, his mind wouldn’t care about that.</p><p>He sat up and looked around the room. Moyo, Jens, Aaron, they were all there sleeping. But the bed that Sander was supposed to use was empty and seemed untouched. Or the guy was really neat, or he hadn’t even used it. He didn’t have idea; he’d fallen asleep before Sander even came to the bedroom.</p><p>After he went inside last night, he tried to play along and enjoy the party with his friends, but his mind kept going back to the boy he had left outside. The thoughts about him became too much that he just started to drink.</p><p>It had been a long time since he did that, and even if it wasn’t as effective in numbing him as before, it still had offered him some comfort last night. But he still had woken up feeling like this anyway.</p><p>He put on his clothes, went to the bathroom and drank a big glass of water before going outside. Thankfully nobody else seemed to be awake.</p><p>He walked to the beach and sat again on the sand, deeply breathing in the fresh, salty air of the beach. After a few inhalations, he felt a little better. He stayed there, just watching the water and the cloudy sky. After a while he considered writing a text to his mom but couldn’t come up with anything that satisfied him, so he stood up and went back to the house.</p><p> Zoë was already outside along with Amber, tiding up outside the house.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“Robbe, good morning.” Zoë said.</p><p>“Good morning. Uh… do you need help?”</p><p>“Nah, it’s okay, we’re almost finished. How you’re feeling?” She smiled at him.</p><p>“Uh, I’m fine. I didn’t drink too much.”</p><p>“Cool. If you feel like it, there’s some light breakfast in the kitchen.”</p><p> “Sure, thanks. Uh… Is anyone else awake?”</p><p>“Only Sander I think.”</p><p>Robbe nodded. The only thing he could now was going inside. It was inevitable. He froze in the doorway of the kitchen when he saw Sander rummaging the cupboards.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>Sander turned around. “Hey.”</p><p>They both paused and looked at each other for a moment. Robbe didn’t know what to do. Sander seemed a bit strange too and Robbe could only guess that it was because he felt embarrassed after being too honest with someone who barely knew. After that awkward pause, Sander went back to search around the kitchen.</p><p>“What are you even doing?” Robbe after a long moment of hesitation.</p><p>“I’m doing <em>croques</em>.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Sander clicked his tongue shaking his head as he turned around to face him again.</p><p>“Have you seen <em>that</em>?” Sander said, pointing brusquely at the fruit, granola and yogurt that Amber or Zoë had probably left there. He didn’t say something more.</p><p>“Uh… It’s okay?” He didn’t know what else he could say.  </p><p>“Nah, I don’t like this kind of food.” Sander vehemently said.</p><p>“Okay.” Robbe laughed and decided to indulge him. “So you’re doing <em>croques</em> then?”</p><p>“Yup. Want some?” Sander gathered the ingredients in front of him and started working.</p><p>“Okay. Let me guess, they’ll blow up my mind?” Robbe tried to joke.</p><p>“Of course. I know how to make the best <em>croques</em> of the world!” Sander offered him a little smile. “</p><p>Robbe smiled despite himself and the two started to make the sandwiches. “Butter?” He asked when he saw Sander spreading some butter in the bread.</p><p>“Yep, it helps to make them crunchier. Will you get me a pan?”</p><p>Robbe nodded and looked around the kitchen for possible places where the pans could be stored.  </p><p>“I think I saw one down there.” Sander nodded towards one of the cupboards. Robbe looked at it, realizing he would have to crouch to get a look inside. He hesitated for a moment before crouching. Sander took a step back to give him some space, but it didn’t matter, they were still so close!</p><p>He took the pan and stood up, avoiding making visual contact with Sander. He put the pan on the stove distractedly, still feeling conflicted about the feelings he had felt at their proximity. He was so distracted that he even made a poor attempt of lighting up the stove.</p><p>“You’re really useless in the kitchen.” Sander said amused, noticing his clumsiness.</p><p>Robbe turned his head around, Sander was already there to caught him off guard, so close to him, leaning in, his hair tickling his cheek.</p><p>After Sander pulled away, Robbe let out a shaky breath he didn’t even know he was holding. </p><p>“I’m not, I was just…” He stopped as soon as he realized that he was about to say I was distracted. <em>Distracted because of Sander</em>.</p><p>He quickly looked away and focused on cooking the sandwiches, trying to appear collected, but inside he was panicking.</p><p>They ate the <em>croques</em> in silence and although they were delicious, he couldn’t quite enjoy them. This was the very first time (in the short time he had known Sander) that they were this quiet, and it was because Robbe was lost in his own thoughts, so lost that he didn’t even notice the curious and pensive looks Sander was giving him.</p><p>He was startled when Sander suddenly coughed. Robbe looked up and saw Sander standing there, hesitating.</p><p>“Uh, I’m going to take a walk, see if I can take some pictures… Do you want to come?” Sander asked him. Robbe hesitated for a long time and Sander quickly added, “Oh, it’s okay if you don’t…”</p><p>“No, it’s not that.” Robbe rushed out. This was bad, Sander was already noticing he was acting weird. What he could do now? Avoid Sander? That would be really awful, since he’d always been so nice with him. “I’m sorry… It’s just, I’m a bit tired, I just slept a few hours.”</p><p>“Oh. Maybe you should go to sleep for a while.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay.” Robbe said, quickly standing up. Sander looked at him for a moment, before nodding. “Okay. I’ll just go to fetch my camera.”</p><p>Sander quickly came back and Robbe followed him outside. Zoë and Amber were still there and they both looked at them briefly before going back to their conversation. Robbe forced the paranoia out of him. This was a trip were everyone was supposed to hang out, so him and Sander being together shouldn’t really stand out. But why was he worried about that anyway? Right… Robbe was beginning to realize why. Fuck. And fuck his confusing thoughts.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Robbe asked, as he watched Sander taking off his combat boots and socks and then roll up his jeans.</p><p>“Beach.” Sander only said before walking towards the shallow water of the shore.</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>Robbe looked at him for a moment and did the same. He’d been at the beach, but it had been a really long time. It was a nice day, the sun was bright, the soft wind caressed his face, the sand felt soft under his feet and the small, calm waves of the beach…</p><p>“Fuck, it’s cold.” Sander hadn’t even flinched!</p><p>The white-haired boy turned around and laughed at him. Everything disappeared and Robbe could only see him. His windswept hair shining under the sun, his beautiful smile… He understood it right there, or more like acknowledged it. How could he not do it? His chest felt warm and his lips smiled on their own will.</p><p>Sander attracted him. Not like a friend. It wasn’t even an attraction he had felt before. The night they first met he thought he was really handsome, but now he was feeling like this already, happy and warm as he saw him smile.</p><p>But he shouldn’t feel this surprised. He kept hanging out with Sander, even when he knew he shouldn’t. And now that he was here with Sander once again, he suddenly understood why. This felt right. This felt so good that it was easy to forget why it shouldn’t be good. So he just kept doing it. He probably would keep doing it because he was that stupid.</p><p>They started walking in the shore, Robbe was watching that beautiful boy take pictures, with all kinds of thoughts and confusing feelings inside.</p><p>Sander said he would take some cool pictures for him, Robbe didn’t dare to refuse, but under Sander’s camera, he quickly felt so shy and insecure that he wanted to slap himself out of it. He could only force himself to do his best, nervously laughing as Sander took this task to the extreme, making Robbe feel like he was in some sort of photoshoot.</p><p>Robbe offered him to do the same and after Sander gave him the basics so he could use the camera, he did his best in taking good pictures of him. After a while Sander went to put away his camera and Robbe stayed there, deep in thought again.</p><p>He was already imagining the possible outcomes of this crush or whatever it was. He could just act like nothing was happening and this would end up fading away but… what if Sander was interested too? He suddenly started reevaluating all their interactions, he remembered a couple of times when he’d sensed something weird going on between them. Could he just go with it?</p><p>But when he started to consider this, he panicked again. Why was he even considering it!? He should first think about what this meant for him.  Was he gay after all? This was like his supposedly crush with Jens all over again. Would he just forget about it? But with Jens he never felt this kind of things!</p><p>He jumped when he felt cold water hitting the sides of his arm and face all of the sudden. When he turned around, Sander was standing there. Robbe could only sent him a flat look. It was funny, how this perfectly portrayed his situation right now. Sander appearing out of nowhere to scare him and disrupt his life. But it wasn’t like Robbe hated it…  </p><p>The childish joke didn’t get an initial reaction from Robbe, but Sander didn’t give up and kicked the water again with this cunning little smile on his lips. The cold water hit his neck and face.</p><p>Robbe glared at him again, but it was without real contempt.  </p><p>When he saw Sander starting to kick the water again, Robbe reacted fast and kicked first, splashing Sander’s face and hair. They started kicking and splashing each other until Sander suddenly leapt forward, grabbing Robbe without hesitation. Robbe realized Sander wanted to drag or push him to the water… he didn’t know, but he wouldn’t put it easy for him. They struggled but after a few moments, Sander quickly gained the upper hand because Robbe couldn’t concentrate.  </p><p>“Wait, wait, the water is too cold!” Robbe exclaimed.</p><p>“Why would I even care!?” Sander laughed at him.</p><p>“Fuck!”</p><p>The struggled for a bit more, Robbe had a surge of strength and managed to escape from Sander’s grasp, but he’d teared out with so much strength that he stumbled with his own feet and ended up falling flat on his face and stomach, the water splashing all over him.</p><p>“Fuck!”</p><p>Sander was laughing at him as Robbe felt the chilly water at full force. Robbe could only helplessly sigh as he kept hearing Sander laughing at him.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Sander asked and stopped laughing when he realized Robbe was laying there without making a single movement. Robbe turned around to lay on his back and complained as he felt the cold water on his back, but this confused Sander and probably made him think he was hurting.</p><p>“Did you get hurt?” Sander asked, approaching him. Robbe stared up at him still laying in the sand.</p><p>“A bit.”</p><p>“Shit. I’m so sorry. Here.” Sander offered his hand.</p><p>Robbe took it a bit reluctantly but pulled it hard and actually managed to caught Sander off guard. Sander ended up falling on his knees, but his fall wasn’t as embarrassing as Robbe’s fall had been. He pouted and turned to look at Sander, seeing his disbelieving face was enough to make Robbe laugh.</p><p>“That was fucking low! You’re supposed to be the nice guy!”</p><p>“I don’t care. You started this shit.”</p><p>“Well, it’s a shame, I still win. You fall was really embarrassing.” Sander said to him.  Robbe opened his mouth to retort, but Sander just sent him a mocking smile and walked off. “I’m going to change.”</p><p>He could only helplessly sigh as he stared at Sander’s retreating back but after a moment, an inevitable smile came.  </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Everyone was playing some game, everyone except for Robbe, who <em>again</em> had chosen to sit alone near the group as he tried to distract himself with his phone as he listened to some music. But this time it didn’t work, he was barely hearing the music, because he was more interested in seeing someone.</p><p>That someone was smiling, laughing, talking, staring at him… Sander was also staring at him.</p><p>He wondered why, what he was thinking, if it had any special meaning behind. He wondered if Sander mind was a confused as his, if he was thinking about him like Robbe did, or if he just was wondering why Robbe was being this weird, sitting alone while all his friends were having fun. Even this time Sander was there, but Robbe wasn’t.</p><p>He quietly sighed. He couldn’t help it. He needed some space. It would be worse if he tried hanging out with everyone and kept zoning out.</p><p>He hadn’t reached the point of isolating himself in one of the bedrooms of the house, that would be really pathetic, so he was sitting here while he pretended to relax and listen to music.</p><p>But he wasn’t relaxed. The last couple of days had been fun in company of Sander, but every time they parted ways, or someone interrupted them, reality came crashing back and that crash was becoming stronger, leaving him confused and scared. He truly didn’t know what to do anymore and that stressed him a lot.</p><p>Should he avoid him? But they were somewhat friendly now, what would Sander say? What if Sander didn’t even care? Maybe Robbe should act like everything was okay. Everything was okay. This didn’t have to be the end of the world. He felt a bit attracted to Sander, so what? It didn’t mean he had to do something. But that still left and even more frightening question. What if he was gay?  </p><p>“What are you doing here by yourself?”</p><p>Robbe looked up to see Jens sitting beside him. He took off his headphones. “Nothing.” Jens sent him a look. “I’m just thinking.”</p><p>“About what?”</p><p>Robbe sighed, considering his answer. “My mom.” He wasn’t really lying. He really was worried about his mom too.</p><p>“Did something happen?”</p><p>“No, no… it’s just… I feel bad because I won’t visit her this week.”</p><p>“Oh. Is she upset?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I haven’t told her.”</p><p>“What? Why?” Jens asked in surprise.</p><p>Robbe felt embarrassed. “I feel really bad about it. I don’t know how to tell her.” He admitted.</p><p>“I get where you are coming from, but it’s okay to have some fun too. I’m sure she’ll understand, you just have to talk with her.”</p><p>“I know. It’s just… I didn’t visit her last week either.” Jens looked at him in surprise. After a moment, Robbe quickly added, “I know, I’m a shitty son.”</p><p>“I didn’t say that.”</p><p>“I just know it.”</p><p>Jens sighed. “Why you didn’t visit her?”</p><p>“It’s just… I don’t know what to do or say now that she’s there and I know she has… a mental illness. I feel useless.”</p><p>“It must be difficult. I don’t think I would know what to do if I was in your place, but there’s one thing I know.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Even if you’re there and you feel useless, unable to do something… that’s better than just avoiding her. You have to be there with her, like you’ve always been. Nothing has to change.”</p><p>Robbe shook his head. “It didn’t even matter. I wasn’t able to do much all this time and it got to the point where she had to get admitted into a mental institution.”</p><p>“That’s because you couldn’t do much. But now she’s getting help, she’ll get better and you have to be there, supporting her, giving her strength.”</p><p>“I guess.”</p><p>“She’ll be okay, Robbe. I know that it’s not that simple, but at the same time… you just have to remember that this is an illness that can be treated, and she’s just in a normal hospital.” Jens shrugged. </p><p>Robbe smiled a little. “That’s a good point.”</p><p>Jens smiled a little too and squeezed his shoulder. “Just send her a message. She’ll understand.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Robbe said, after Jens had stood up to give him some space. Jens turned and smiled before returning with their other friends.</p><p>After a moment, he sent his mom a message to apologize and promise her he would visit her as soon as he got back from his trip. He sighed with relief when his mom didn’t appear upset, and just was glad he’d written her.</p><p>He stayed there for a while, seriously considering Jens words.</p><p>His mom had always been a very lonely and peaceful person, she liked to be alone and stay at home most of the time, so Robbe didn’t get to have a lot of fun when he was a kid. Even so, he tried not to think much about it, because she was a nice and loving mom that tried to smile at least a little for him.</p><p>But the years went on and her energy seemed to diminish, her smile completely disappeared and her isolation got to the point where she wouldn't even leave her bedroom anymore. That and the persistent way his dad tried to force her to do something with her life caused fights and fights, until he couldn’t take it anymore and just left them.</p><p>That was when his mom started to get worse. The abandonment she suffered just broke something in her. She never left her bed, she always slept and forgot to take care of herself. That’s when Robbe realized that something was truly wrong, but his mom refused to get help. It was like she just didn’t care about anything anymore.</p><p>Even though he was scared and worried, he had no choice but respect her decision, trying to stand by her side and taking care of her. But at the end it didn’t make any difference, because her condition decreased and decreased and Robbe didn’t have any idea of what he could do. Until one day Robbe crashed.</p><p>He’ll always remember that day, several weeks ago, when he lost it and started screaming and crying at her, begging her to just do <em>something</em>. She didn’t say anything, just crying silently in her bed until Robbe couldn’t take it anymore and left. Once he locked himself in his room, he reminisced that his dad had done something similar before he’d abandoned them. The guilt, fear and shame nearly drove him crazy.</p><p>But before he could gather the courage to face her, she just went alone to seek professional help. Robbe suddenly got the confirmation that she was sick and would need to be admitted into a mental health institution for a while, because she needed therapy and medicine so she could start stabilizing.</p><p>Yes, Robbe couldn’t do anything to help her. But at the same time, he’d been neglectful, he sensed something wrong with her but hadn’t done anything to get her some help. Although he was really angry with his dad, sometimes he didn’t feel that different from him. He’d failed her and it had gotten to this point, where she had to be admitted to mental health institution. All this time she had been sick and didn’t get help until it was unbearable for her and everyone.</p><p>But she would get better and would probably be at home soon. Being in a mental health institution wasn’t the end of the world. Like Jens had said, it was just a hospital. And while she was there, he would research her illness and talk with the doctor too. This time he would take care of her and wouldn't fail her. Everything would be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1)The series showed very little about Robbe's relationship with his mother :(, but in the first eps he seemed to be avoiding her and when he visited her he left fast, I interpreted that like he didn't know how to "deal" with her and felt some sort of guilt and sense of failure, so I included this on my story.<br/>2)As a wrote this chapter I realized that although they went to the beach, they never got close to the water! lol I don't if there was a particular reason for that, but I suddenly came up with that silly scene in the water you just read hahah</p><p>Thanks for reading! I would love to read what you think so far &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Girlfriend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It took a couple of days more haha but the chapter it's here ! I'm already working on the next one. Thank you so much for the kudos, comments and hits, I nearly gave up with this story but now seeing you're lovely comments I'm glad I decided to post it. I hope you keep liking it!!! Be safe &lt;3</p><p>Warnings: Moyo makes some homophobic comments. Unbetaed chapter. Angst.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The second-hand embarrassment he felt right now was so unbearable that he wanted to disappear. Why was he friends with Moyo in the first place? Right, Jens.</p><p>Robbe and Jens had been friends since forever and for a long, long time it was only the two of them. But on their first year of high school Jens and Moyo met and everything changed, Jens changed. Before they just stayed at home playing videogames or went to the park to skate but suddenly, all they did was bad rapping, parties and smoking weed.</p><p>Everything was so different all of the sudden, and Robbe had the sensation he was losing his best friend because of Jana and then Moyo. He felt so scared and jealous that he snapped, making a lot of stupid things, like kind of ruining Jens and Jana relationship.</p><p>After that sad outcome he realized that not only Jens had changed, he’d changed too; but unfortunately, in a horrible, negative way. So he came to his senses and came to accept that changing was life. There was nothing he could do. It would be okay, as long as Jens and he stuck together, because they were best friends! He had told himself.</p><p>So he adapted to those changes and Robbe and Moyo eventually became friends too. Even if Moyo could be a quite annoying, he still liked him. They did stupid and funny things, like the <em>Broerrrs</em> and all those stupid vlogs. It was funny at first, but now he just tolerated and went along with everything they did, but sometimes it was difficult.  Like now.</p><p>Since they had been partying and drinking a lot during the weekend and they still had that cool Halloween party everyone wanted to go to, they decided to take it easy tonight. After all, they couldn’t get drunk every single night. So tonight, after they dined, everyone gathered around the campfire for a little while before they went to sleep.</p><p>Aaron and Sander had made some s’mores for everyone and Jens had been playing his keyboard some pop songs the girls sung along. He’d laughed at Aaron’s poor attempts of drawing Amber’s attention and smiled as he watched Sander sing along some of the songs. Robbe didn’t know why, but he appeared particularly happy and beautiful tonight. Maybe it was because he just accepted reality and stopped fighting himself, so now he could fully appreciate Sander. Whatever he was, he’d felt happy just listening and watching them, sometimes even humming the songs, but then the mood was ruined when Moyo suggested they could improvise some raps songs.</p><p>Jens agreed and as usual he played several tunes of popular raps Moyo asked him. At first nobody said anything, they just listened, but everyone quickly tired of hearing Moyo’s oversexualized, offensive and lame raps. Robbe could understand that that is what rap usually was, but you had to know the right place and time to do it! The girls were doing offended faces and Sander was biting his lips so hard that it was easy to notice he wanted to laugh at his friend. They’d even exchanged a couple of amused glances, and Robbe almost laughed right then.</p><p>Although he initially felt exasperated, when Luca started to diss him, he couldn’t help but feel bad for him.</p><p>“What’s that supposed to be?”</p><p>“Are you purposefully trying to be funny? Cause you’re not.”</p><p>An she went on, until Moyo couldn’t take anymore and said, “What do you even know about rap?” Moyo scoffed.</p><p>“Enough to feel wronged for the sake of all those<em> talented</em> rappers. Just stop!”</p><p>Moyo scoffed again as everyone laughed.</p><p>But then Aaron chimed in. “You should try, Robbe!” Robbe almost wanted to throw himself forward so he could shut up Aaron. “He’s really good!”</p><p><em>What is this guy even saying?,</em> Robbe lamented, as everyone turned to look at him with interest, Sander included.</p><p>“I’m not! He’s out if his mind!” Robbe said, shaking his head. He didn’t lie. Every time his friends wanted to improvise rap he wanted to run because he was so bad at it! His mind always went blank! Even Moyo could be considered good if someone compared him to Robbe.</p><p>“Don’t listen to this guy. He’s just trying to be funny.” Robbe said, glaring at Aaron who just laughed.</p><p>“Don’t worry! It’s impossible to do it worse than Moyo.” Luca said. Everyone laughed at Moyo again, and his friend could only cross his arms and glare at Luca, already fuming.</p><p>“You should try!” Jens joined too and everyone else supported him. Robbe narrowed his eyes.</p><p>“Is this some sort of joke for the<em> Broerrrs</em>?” Robbe couldn’t help but ask to Jens.</p><p>“No man, we’re just having fun.”</p><p>“With me! I’m not doing it!” Robbe exclaimed.  </p><p>But then everyone started booing and Robbe had no choice but try it. Jens started playing as Robbe tried to feel the song, he couldn’t avoid glancing around. He saw Sander watching him expectantly, his hazel eyes sparkling with amusement. In that exact moment Robbe lost the minuscule courage he’d gathered. He couldn’t do this! Well, not in front of that guy, anyway.</p><p>“I can’t… Sorry… I’m bad, really bad.” He laughed covering his face with his hands. Everyone around him booed even louder. He knew, he knew he was really pathetic.</p><p>“What about this? Let’s do a rapping… well singing competition with everyone. The one who sings the worst will be penalized. Robbe can be the first example.” Jens suggested laughing.</p><p>“Fuck you!” Robbe exclaimed.</p><p>“If that’s the case, Moyo would have to be the punished one. I can’t unhear him! At least Robbe spared us the torture.” Luca commented, while Moyo scowled at her again, who was unusually quiet. “No offense.” she added, addressing Robbe who could only laugh. He secretly agreed with her. He would have done it terribly.</p><p>“Then let’s just being again.” Jens shrugged.</p><p>“Okay. It’s a good idea. We can choose whatever song we want, right?” Jana said.</p><p>“Sure, as long as I know the song, it won’t be a problem playing it.” Jens answered.</p><p>“I don’t want to do it alone. We should do duets or teams.” Amber quickly said.</p><p>“I’ll do it with you.” Aaron immediately chimed in. Everyone just laughed but Luca all of the sudden said, “That’s actually a good idea. You two should do it together.”</p><p>Everyone, Aaron in particular, strongly supported the idea so Amber had no choice but to give in. Robbe was laughing until he heard Sander’s voice.</p><p>“I’ll do it with that shy guy.” Sander said, nodding in Robbe’s way. Everyone else just laughed and nodded, but in his mind Robbe was panicking, torn between feeling excited or scared. He didn’t know. He couldn’t even laugh at Luca’s face when she realized that Jana and Zoë were already a couple and that only left her and Moyo together.</p><p>“Ugh… I can see us losing already.” Luca sighed, dramatic and resigned. “What’s going to be the penalty?”</p><p>“Uh… They’ll be the servants of the trip for one whole day.”</p><p>“What? No way!” For once, Moyo and Luca agreed on something.</p><p>“That’s too much! It’s just one stupid game!” Moyo protested.</p><p>“You two are talking like you’ve already lost!” Zoë laughed. Moyo and Luca closed their mouths and gloomily looked at each other. It was obvious that they didn’t have a lot of hope for their case.</p><p>“You have to take it seriously, everyone!” Jana laughed, but it was clear that this was directed to Moyo and Luca.</p><p>After everyone had a moment to choose their songs, Aaron and Amber went first. It was absolutely awkward for them and the spectators, but they still kept cheering and clapping for their sake. Aaron kept distracting himself while he gave Amber heart eyes so noticeable that she got flustered. At least it wasn’t as terrible as Moyo and Luca, because they didn’t really try, they just stubbornly ignored each other while the girls kept trying to cheer the sad Luca.</p><p>When Zoë and Jana went next, the atmosphere completely changed. It was clear that those two, unlike the previous duets, were good friends and had chemistry. So they were able to sing happy and comfortably and everyone ended up singing along. Robbe even smiled when he noticed Jens playing without taking his eyes off of Jana, smiling too.</p><p>Then… he and Sander were next. All this time Robbe had felt nervous, but now his heart was beating wild and strong and his cheeks felt too hot. He was about to sing with Sander, in front of everyone! Fuck. In all the time they had known each other, Robbe already had assimilated a bit of Sander’s love for David Bowie. What could he say? It wasn’t like the guy was bad and he had good songs that Robbe genuinely liked. They had that in common, so they just decided to sing one of his songs, Robbe didn’t know the lyrics perfectly well, but he remembered most of it.</p><p>They stood up in front of everyone liked the other duets and Robbe braced himself as Jens started playing the tune of <em>Heroes</em>. Sander, without even hesitating, raised the bottle of water they were using like microphone and started singing. Robbe froze in the spot, feeling too shy and embarrassed to do something else but watch Sander, passionately as always, singing one of the songs of his idol.</p><p>Suddenly Sander turned and brought the bottle near his lips, he was smirking, his eyes seemed to communicate <em>“just do it!”</em> So Robbe sang too, the bottle in his hand was forgotten as he leaned in to sing with him. Robbe wanted to get himself lost in those hazel eyes, but he wasn’t that shameless, so he focused on his voice. He slowly relaxed, feeling his own joy, feeling Sander’s joy, and even laughing with him when Robbe forgot or said the wrong lyrics as everyone around them cheered and sang along.</p><p>It was decided that the worst duets had been Moyo and Luca and Aaron and Amber. Nobody was surprised when at the end Moyo and Luca were crowned as the losers, that predictability stole the point of the game, but everyone had fun anyway.</p><p>Everyone thought putting them as slaves for a whole day was a bit excessive, so at the end there wasn’t a penalty.</p><p>Jens kept playing his keyboard and Jana, Zoë and even Sander sang some songs. Robbe even felt a bit jealous when he noticed Sander was being the focus of the attention of the girls as the three of them happily sang. Seeing everyone having fun, Robbe decided to get rid of his shyness and sang along too, Moyo and Aaron joining a while later too.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>The sunset was particularly beautiful today. Fluffy white clouds slowly drifted through the sky that right now was a mix of blue, violet and pink. Robbe smiled as he heard the new song playing through his headphone. <em>Starman</em>. His gaze wandered over the sky as he heard the happy song, stupid thoughts about that starman going through his head. He turned his head a bit to look at the boy that was happily humming the song and smiled again.</p><p>They were laying lay side by side on the soft and warm sand as they just breathed and rested, not needing to do or say something, just watching the sky and listening to Sander’s playlist. The soft wind of the evening caressed their faces and played with their hairs. It was a really peaceful and nice moment, that gave him the feeling they were alone here and nothing else existed.</p><p>Of course they weren’t alone, well, not completely alone. When everybody started playing football, Sander told him he really sucked in that sort of things, so when he asked him if he wanted to take a walk instead Robbe almost jumped at the opportunity. It had been fun but a chaotic day with everyone, so he just wanted to relax a little and do nothing, and now he had the perfect opportunity.</p><p>It was really amazing, being able to do something like this with Sander. His friends weren’t the type of persons who liked to take time to themselves or could manage long moments of silence without doing anything. But Sander was like him, who every now and then needed some time alone. And they could do it, being alone but at the same time comforted with the presence of the other.</p><p>They’d walked for a moment and ended up sitting here, a bit far from all the commotion everyone had with the game. Robbe knew he should be more careful, that he shouldn’t let himself get carried away and do things like this, but it was difficult because he always ended up realizing that it was worth it, all the fear and worry in exchange for these little moments of happiness.</p><p>So without saying anything, Sander had offered one of his headphones and they listened to music for a while, sometimes Sander happily hummed and sang some of the songs.</p><p>“<em>There's a starman waiting in the sky, he'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks he'd blow our minds</em>.“ He was singing, dramatically raising his arms the sky, Robbe watching him with a smile.</p><p>“It’s a really good song.” Robbe said.</p><p>“It’s <em>amazing</em>.” Sander sighed contentedly, as Robbe watched the outline of his face, his nose, his plump lips. After a moment of silence, Sander turned and looked at him too, their gazes locked and Robbe got lost in Sander’s hazel eyes for a moment.</p><p>Sander was the first to look away. He sat up and searched inside of his pockets, took out a joint and showed it to him. He lit it up and after a few drags, he offered it to Robbe who took it with a grateful smile.</p><p>The kept smoking, laying the soft and warm sand again. Robbe was starting to feel so relaxed that he almost wanted to close his eyes and sleep. Maybe it was because these last few days the quality of his sleep had greatly decreased, leaving him feeling this tired. He was about to close his eyes for just one moment when he heard a voice.</p><p>“Sander?”</p><p>Robbe was about to ignore it, then remembered his situation and reality crashed into him. Hard, almost painfully. Robbe felt like he’d been caught off guard in a moment where was feeling too comfortable. He barely had the time to think or even move, but Sander had managed to stand up in a few seconds.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Sander was asking as Robbe was about to stand up too, stopping for a second when he noticed that Sander sounded angry.</p><p>Robbe quickly stood up and turned to look at the newcomer. He couldn’t hide his surprise when he saw Britt Ingelbrechtt standing there. It had been a really long time since Robbe had even talked to her, but Jana and the girls were good friends with her, so he saw her every now and then and wasn’t exactly surprised of seeing her here.</p><p>No, he was more interested in the fact that she somehow knew Sander and that Sander wasn’t exactly happy of seeing her here. He realized something was going on, and his mind came up with a lot of questions.</p><p>Britt’s face was full of surprise, but Robbe could only guess why. She alternated her gaze between Sander and Robbe with a serious and confused expression. Then she fixated her gaze on Robbe, the inquiry on her eyes clear as water. But no one said anything, so she gazed Sander instead, her eyes searching his face. Sander steadily gazed her back, casually taking a drag of the joint. Britt face darkened, she opened her mouth to say something, but Sander talked first.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” He asked again, more impatiently than before. While Robbe was a bit startled, Britt didn’t even seem fazed, but she wasn’t happy either.</p><p>“The girls… insisted me to come.”</p><p>The tension between them and Sander’s scoff for answer confirmed Robbe that something was going on. His mind came up with the only possible explanation and he felt a sting on his chest. Britt only sighed.</p><p>“Can we talk for a moment? Please?”</p><p>Robbe opened his mouth to say he would leave so they could talk, but Sander sighed and brusquely replied, “Fine”. He looked at Robbe, an enigmatic look on his face. “I have to go.” He told him before walking off, not even giving Robbe a chance to reply.</p><p>Britt sent a last glance in Robbe’s way before following Sander.</p><p>They quickly walked away, leaving a dumbfounded Robbe behind, while dozens of questions ran through his mind. The relaxing and peaceful moment they had shared a minute ago long forgotten. Robbe was again all anxiousness, confusion and fear… He’d his suspicions about Britt and Sander, he wasn’t stupid.</p><p>It was already dark when he made his way back to the house. The game had finished long ago and apparently everyone was inside the house. He sighed in frustration at the idea of having to go inside with a mess instead of a mind, feeling all anxious and confused.</p><p> Fuck, he didn’t want to go in there, but it wasn’t like he had a choice. What he could do? Stay outside on his own <em>again</em>? He wanted to kick something.</p><p>He was so lost in his own thoughts that a familiar face appearing on his way managed to catch him off guard. Noor. The black-haired girl noticed him too with surprise.</p><p>“Oh, hi!”</p><p>“Hi… you’re here?” Robbe blurted out a bit confused, but quickly realized he was being rude and added, “I’m sorry! It’s just…”</p><p>Noor laughed and shook her head. “Don’t worry. I didn’t know you were here either! How nice to see you again!” She said, smiling at him.</p><p>“It’s nice to see you again too.” Robbe replied smiling too.</p><p>“I came here with Britt. You know her, right?”</p><p>“Oh. Yeah.” So that explained it. Britt and Noor were friends. And Britt and Sander were…</p><p>“Where were you?” Noor asked.</p><p>“I was… I was with Sander, near the beach.” Robbe answered through the lump of his throat. Noor looked at him with surprise.</p><p>“Oh. You two seem to be good friends already.” She commented. Robbe only could nod like a fool. “Where is he? Is he with Britt?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>To Robbe’s surprise, after hearing his answer, she sighed almost regretfully and looked away, deep in thought.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Robbe asked, feeling a bit ashamed a moment later. He hated when other people pried in his life, but here he was, trying to dig out things about Sander. Noor looked at him, still lost in thoughts. She opened her mouth but closed it, hesitating. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”</p><p>“We shouldn’t have come here…” She said.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Noor blinked and looked at him in confusion. “Why?” Robbe just stared at her. “Oh, you don’t know?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I thought you would know… since you all go to the same school and you and Sander are friends already…” Robbe shook his head, Noor hesitated again before adding, “Uhm… they’re dating but recently fought. Britt came here to try to fix things with him. I can only hope it works for them.”  </p><p>“Oh.” That’s the only thing Robbe could say through the lump on his throat.</p><p>So they were really together. Sander actually had a girlfriend. It seemed like all this time they had been living inside of a bubble, forgetting about everything else, because he just never considered this possibility.</p><p>The night he met Sander he’d briefly considered the possibility of Noor being Sander’s girlfriend, but he just forgot about the topic and went on following Sander everywhere. Now Britt had appeared in the picture out of nowhere, because apparently Sander hadn’t thought it was important mentioning that little fucking detail. Robbe felt really stupid. But this was his own fault, right? He’d done this to himself. Sander never said anything, he just was being the carefree guy he was and Robbe was the pitiful guy that let himself be charmed by him.</p><p>His body suddenly felt too small to hold in all the emotions he was feeling. He feared his face would show everything, so he wanted to hide or go far away from this place. But it wasn’t like he just could turn around and run far away. He couldn’t. He could only try to deal with the mix of emotions.</p><p>Disappointment, anger, betrayal, sadness, confusion, relief…</p><p>Relief…</p><p>Sander had girlfriend, that had to be good, right? It would quickly put end to these stupid and confusing feelings he really didn’t need right now. This was be good.</p><p>But unfortunately, he realized that it was already too late. He’d been questioning himself and everything he knew all this time, already considering the possibility of maybe trying something in the near future, when he already had processed these new things he was discovering about himself.</p><p><em>I sense something between us. I just know it</em>. He had told himself when he tried to convince himself that this wasn’t a one-sided crush and that he wasn’t losing his mind for no reason.</p><p>Because of this, he decided to let this develop to see where it would take him. But all of that was for nothing. Sander was just a really nice guy and that was all. He liked girls and even had a girlfriend. What was Robbe supposed to do now?</p><p>The “damage” to his identity was already done. Could he go back? Could he forget about everything? He’d done something similar a year ago with Jens. The problem was that these feelings right now couldn’t even be compared to the feelings he believed he had for Jens. They weren’t even that intense, so he didn’t take them too seriously and easily let them fade away. He didn’t even consider the possibility of being with his best friend. He shook his head, realizing that he was darting into a dangerous place.</p><p>“Hey… Are you okay?” Noor asked him.</p><p>He didn’t have a choice but swallow these horrible feelings. He would have to wait until he could be alone, then he would let them all out and forget about it.</p><p>“I’m… Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry.” Robbe quickly answered, forcing a smile.</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>He didn’t see Sander that night.</p><p>For some reason Noor decided to stick with him, so she kept him company and helped him to distract himself a bit. Since the beginning Noor had left a strong impression on him, so he wasn’t exactly surprised to find that talking with her was easy and nice. She was a kind, funny and beautiful girl.</p><p>As Robbe listened her talk about her spray painting ventures he found himself wondering why he hadn’t met Noor at that party instead of Sander. He probably would have liked her now instead of Sander and everything would be easier. But that wouldn’t have changed the fact that apparently, he liked guys, right? So it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.</p><p>Even if at the end he’d completely misread Sander, it didn’t change the fact that he had felt something for a guy. He liked guys. That didn’t mean he would something anyway, because this situation, him finding out the guy he liked had girlfriend, was like destiny showing him once again that crushes or normal teenage relationships weren’t meant for him.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>He woke up the next morning feeling the most restless and upset he’d felt in a few weeks. It definitely hadn’t been a good night of sleep.</p><p>When he thought about the day ahead of him, he slumped back in the bed and sighed, already dreading whatever this day would bring him. But it wasn’t like he could lay on this bed all day, as much as he wanted to avoid all the fucking problems he’d created for himself, so after a few minutes of stupidly scrolling through his phone, he got up.</p><p>He only dared to look once Sander’s bed. It was empty and unused again, but this time Robbe didn’t even wonder where Sander could be. He knew he probably had made up with his girlfriend last night and slept on that fucking bedroom Moyo had suggested that they reserved for the couples who wanted some “alone time”. That single idea completely crushed his mood.</p><p>Against Robbe’s expectations (expectations that Robbe had used to torture himself most of the night) Sander and Britt weren’t all lovey dovey in front of everyone. In fact, they weren’t even together. Robbe had thought they would definitely reconcile and shove down his throat their recently newfound happiness… Okay, that was dramatic, but it was the general idea.</p><p>But when he saw Britt talking with the girls and realized Sander was nowhere to be seen, Robbe felt really bad for stupidly wishing they didn’t reconcile. It was clear that they still were on bad terms, if not, why else all the girls had those serious expressions? He could sense it, something was going on. Robbe had a lot of conflicting emotions right now, but none of them was happiness or relief, that was for sure.  </p><p>“Hey, hey, dude!” Robbe sighed in annoyance when the pen Moyo threw at him hit him. “What are you even doing? We’re talking about the vlog! Did you even hear me? This is important! Tomorrow is the day!”</p><p>Moyo was talking about the haunted house video and pranks they wanted to record tomorrow for Halloween. Robbe gritted his teeth, nearly telling Moyo he couldn’t give a fuck right now about the <em>Broerrrs</em> or the vlogs but decided to keep his words and feelings to himself. <em>Remember, this your own fucking fault</em>.</p><p>“He’s thinking about that girl!” Aaron said, all happiness and excitement.</p><p>“What?” Robbe dumbly asked.</p><p>“You were looking at that hot girl… Noor, I think?” Aaron replied. Robbe just blinked, barely stopped himself from screaming. Of course Aaron would notice he was staring the girls right now. Unfortunately, he wasn’t even thinking about them or Noor.</p><p>“Oh, that chick? Man, she’s so fucking hot.” Moyo sighed to himself in amazement.</p><p>“Yeah…” Aaron sighed too. “And you talked with her last night for hours. Robbe, how do you even do it?” Aaron said amazed. “I barely can talk with Amber for one minute.” Aaron lamented. “You’re so good with girls. Share some tricks with me already!”</p><p>Robbe could only look at his friend in bewilderment before Moyo spoke again.</p><p>“What tricks? By tonight she’ll get bored of his lame ass and then she will notice this cool and handsome guy. You just wait!” Moyo said. Robbe resisted the urge of rolling his eyes, deciding to ignore him. He just wanted to quickly get over with this.</p><p>“Right. You’re just jealous!” Jens scoffed, winking at him. Robbe smiled a bit with appreciation.</p><p>“Jealous? Right.” Moyo snorted, rolling his eyes. Jens rolled his eyes and ignored him.</p><p>“You like her?” Jens asked Robbe.</p><p>“Uh… She’s nice.” Robbe shrugging, avoiding giving a direct answer.</p><p>“She is nice? Are you serious? That chick is so hot I wanted to bang her the moment I saw her!” exclaimed Moyo.  </p><p>“No, it’s not like that. Why are you always fucking thinking about sex!?” Robbe snapped before he could stop himself.</p><p>“Only a gay would say something like that.” Moyo shook his head, mocking him.</p><p>Robbe couldn’t deal with this right now. He gritted his teeth and tried to deeply breath in, but the truth was that he really felt upset. It wasn’t a good time to hear these jokes. Jens looked at him, sensing he was really upset.</p><p>“Man… what are you even saying? That’s not funny.” Jens said, giving Moyo a punch in the shoulder so he would shut up.</p><p>“It’s just a fucking joke. Chill.” Moyo said, but he took the hint and shut up.</p><p>“Robbe, seriously, you’re a lucky bastard and you don’t even know it!” Aaron said to him dramatically, not even reading the mood.</p><p>Okay that was it. Robbe shook his head and stood up.</p><p>“You know what? I’ll go to see if I can help Amber making lunch or something.”</p><p>He walked away without waiting for answer and cringed really hard once he processed his lame excuse. Making lunch? Yeah, another fucking perfect excuse Moyo would use to mock him. That is what he must be doing right now. Mocking his lame ass. Saying that only a gay would want to help make lunch or something like that. Once he was fair away from everyone, he kicked the sand really hard.</p><p>“Everything okay?”</p><p>He jumped and looked up. Sander. He was standing there looking at him with what seemed to be genuine worry and surprise. Of course, after being only god knew where, Sander appeared out of nowhere, just in time to see his stupid outburst.</p><p>Robbe opened his mouth, but instantly closed it. Even if he felt guilty about it, Sander was the last person he needed to talk right now, so he just turned around and walked away. He didn’t know if he felt relieved or disappointed when Sander didn’t even do or say anything.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Soooo.... yeah. Britt makes her appearance and it appears that Rosander's honeymoon is over and now the angst takes over hahah. But don't worry, I can promise this is not for the sake of pointless drama, this will detonate a lot of things and will further Robbe and Sander relationship :) I also want to clarify that there won't be cheating on this fic...  The cheating, although I could understand its reason, was one of the few things I didn't like in Skam OG and all the remakes *sigh* so I won't do it. </p><p>About that singing scene... the result was silly, but I had fun writing it. When I started writing the chapter I suddenly thought about the trip Robbe, Jens and Jana made on S1. I remembered Jens playing his keyboard, Robbe's bad singing and Moyo's lame rapping, so I decided to include it. </p><p>Thanks for reading!! I would love to read what you think so far!</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Snapping</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>THANK YOU!! For Kudos, comments and hits. You make me so happy!! :) </p><p>Ooohhhh It took a bit longer again! This chapter and the next are the turning point of the story, so it was really difficult writing them. I kept getting stuck and felt like rewritting a lot of scenes... let's just say the original outcome was totally different. I can only hope the final result is decent hahah. Anyway, here is the chapter, the next one is already finished too, I just have to do some editing and I'll upload it later.  </p><p>Warnings: Homophobia, mild angst, unbeated chapter... SORRY for any mistakes!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He only could calm himself down after a really long walk. He returned to the house a couple of hours later and when he did, nobody besides Jens was around. Robbe knew he had been waiting for him, as soon as he saw him, he stood and approached Robbe.</p><p>“Hey. You good?” Jens asked him.</p><p>“Yeah. Why?” He answered, trying to act casually. Jens sighed, giving him<em> that</em> look. The look that lately he kept giving him.  </p><p>“You were pretty upset earlier.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Robbe answered, shrugging.</p><p>“Bullshit. You were clearly upset when you left.”</p><p>“Yeah, okay…” Robbe sighed, giving up. “It’s just…”</p><p>“I know. He can be an asshole when he’s trying to be funny. I talked to him after you left.” Jens said shaking his head. “And I’ll talk to him.”</p><p>“What? You didn’t have to.” Robbe rushed to say, mortified.</p><p>“Of course I had to! You’re my best friend.” Jens ruffling his hair. Robbe laughed and tried to smile a little.</p><p>He was very grateful for Jens’s intentions, but also conflicted. Jens shouldn’t be the one that confronted Moyo, but Robbe. It was his problem, after all, but the truth was</p><p>that he would never be able to gather the courage to do it.</p><p>What he would say? I always hated hearing your stupid jokes because sometimes I thought you’re right and I felt bad? Or your stupid jokes make me feel paranoid, fearful of everyone else noticing the things you say and realizing you’re right? Just shut up!</p><p>No… he would never do that. That would only attract unwanted attention to him.</p><p>“Thank you.” Robbe could only say at the end, really meaning it despite his internal conflict. Jens only smiled at him.</p><p>“Is that all that’s been bothering you?” Jens asked a moment later.</p><p>“Huh?” Robbe looked at his friend in surprise. “What do you mean?”</p><p>Jens breathed deeply. “It’s just… you’ve been weird lately.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I’ve noticed you seem really distracted. Sometimes you appear happy all of the sudden and then you’re… upset. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore.”</p><p>Robbe could only stare at him. “I’m sorry.” He blurted out after a long moment.</p><p>Jens looked at him in alarm. “No, it’s not… I’m worried, that’s all. I don’t want to pressure you into talking about something you don’t want to. Just remember I’m here, okay?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Robbe murmured. He opened his mouth, contemplating telling him right now, right here, but at the end he could only say, “I know, and I appreciate it. It’s just… I’m still figuring it out.”</p><p>Jens nodded. “Alright.” He patted him on his shoulder and left him alone with his thoughts.</p><p>After having that conversation and knowing everything he was starting to discover about himself, he wondered why he didn’t tell Jens about it. Everything would be easier, right?</p><p>But after giving it some thought, he realized Robbe himself hadn’t completely assimilated the recent revelations he had, so how was he supposed to talk to someone else about it? And talking with someone about it would bring consequences he didn’t even want to imagine.  </p><p>No. He wanted to be Robbe, a mundane and quiet guy who liked skateboarding and music… for a little more time.</p><p>He walked again to the beach, alone, resigned and tired, he didn’t know where everyone was. All these feelings and thoughts were already making him feel sick of being on this place, which was ironic because he’d also felt immensely happy here, like he hadn’t been in a long time, but that was over now. Sander had girlfriend.</p><p>That should simplify things, right? But everything seemed even more complicated. Britt and Sander were having problems. Sander was avoiding everyone. Robbe was avoiding him too, he didn’t know how to deal with him.</p><p>It was true that he initially felt a bit angry with Sander. If Sander had told him he had girlfriend, Robbe could have avoided all of this. But Sander didn’t have to tell him anything. They were friends, but they weren’t that close. So what could he do? It wasn’t like he could get angry with him just because he was this amazing and funny guy that Robbe had started to like on his own.</p><p>That didn’t mean he felt nothing though. He still felt irritated, frustrated, disappointed… and now he was in very an awkward position. He’d decided to avoid Sander for now, but now Sander was acting weird too… maybe the trouble with his girlfriend was really serious.</p><p>He furiously threw a rock into the water. He was feeling so anxious and restless that the only way he’d found to release some steam was throwing some fucking rocks he’d found the sand into the water. Yeah, he was this pathetic. Throwing rocks at the sea instead of facing his problems.</p><p>But that didn’t mean some of his problems wouldn’t come searching for him instead. Moyo. Robbe saw him after he heard someone steps coming closer, but he ignored him, choosing to focus on the rocks he was throwing. He refused to acknowledge him, hoping he would go away, but he kept standing there.  </p><p>Did he really want to talk with him? What did he want?</p><p>Moyo still didn’t say something though. After a moment, Robbe couldn’t take it anymore and said, “I don’t know what Jens told you, but just forget about it, okay?”</p><p>“So you’re really upset.” Moyo said after a moment. Robbe paused and turned around, an incredulous expression on his face.</p><p>“Of course I’m upset! You keep making those… stupid jokes at my expense. I can’t fucking take it anymore.” He snapped before he could stop himself. Seeing Moyo act like this made his annoyance and frustration return in full force.</p><p>Moyo looked at him in surprise. “I didn’t know you were this upset about it. How should I know if you don’t even tell me?”</p><p>“So this is my fault now!?”</p><p>“It’s not like that. It’s just… we’re all like this all the time, we say a lot of stupid things and jokes to each other.”</p><p>“It’s not the same. You keep telling me I’m gay all the fucking time and you make it seem like it’s the most horrible thing in the world.”</p><p>“They’re just jokes! Don’t take them too seriously. And why would you even care? It’s not like you’re actually gay, right?”</p><p>Robbe scoffed in disbelief.</p><p>“So what if I was gay? What would you do then? Would I still be used as the subject of your stupid homophobic jokes? Would you even care?” Robbe snapped back, realizing a bit late he was making this too personal. Well, it was personal, but Moyo wasn’t supposed to know it.</p><p>Moyo looked at him in shock, his mouth open like he wanted to say something but didn’t know what. Robbe tried to breath in to calm himself down at least a bit.</p><p>“It’s just… you always go around telling stupid and unpleasant things, not even stopping to think who’s hearing them and how they could feel about it…! Try to put yourself in the place of the others for a change.”</p><p>Robbe shook his head and immediately walked away, leaving a dumbfounded Moyo behind. Robbe quickly got away and once he was far enough from him, he slowed down and breathed in order to calm down his heart, beating hard and fast on his chest.</p><p>He looked up and was startled to see two people rushing out of the house. He squinted and saw Amber and Sander, appearing to be arguing. His stomach dropped. He just came out of an argument with Moyo and now walked just in time to see a scene like this. What was going on?</p><p>He wanted to know but knew he shouldn’t pry. Robbe was about to go somewhere else when he realized Sander had his green bag with him. Fuck, was he going somewhere? That couldn’t be good.</p><p>Before Robbe could think of something else, Sander was already walking off. Judging by the direction he was taking, he was really leaving this place. Robbe quickly approached Amber, feeling his stomach twisting with anxiety. “What happened?” Robbe asked, staring at Amber and realizing she looked upset too.  She jumped, noticing him for the first time, before sighing.</p><p>“He’s going home.”</p><p>“Why? What happened?”</p><p>Amber hesitated before shaking his head. “I don’t know. He suddenly told me he was going home.”</p><p>Robbe’s heart skipped a beat.  “He’s really going?”</p><p>“There’s nothing I can do. He won’t listen to me! I can only hope he really goes home…” She sighed in exasperation, but also appeared to be worried.</p><p>“Uh… I’ll see if I can try to talk to him.” Robbe suggested. Amber looked at him in surprise.</p><p>“You?” She asked, clearly skeptical.</p><p>“Well… I don’t really know him, but we been talking a bit these last few days. I don’t mind trying to talk to him.” Robbe quickly excused himself.</p><p> “I guess… maybe he’ll listen to you.” Amber said but shrugged like she didn’t have a lot of hopes. He didn’t exactly disagree with her.</p><p>Robbe knew he probably wouldn’t make a difference, but that didn’t mean he would stay calm as Sander left this place while feeling so upset.</p><p>It wasn’t difficult finding him, because he could only go to the bus stop and he was also the only person Robbe had seen using a leather jacket and combat boots in the middle of the beach.</p><p>But he stopped on his tracks, hesitating a bit as he watched the boy sitting alone in the bus stop. In the end, the worry he felt for Sander beat the anxiety he felt of talking to him, and he approached him.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Sander said in shock as soon as he saw him coming.</p><p>“Uh… I saw you with Amber. She’s really worried about you so...”</p><p>Sander scoffed. “I don’t fucking need anyone worrying about me!” He exclaimed, making Robbe jump in surprise.</p><p>“Alright. I’m sorry.” Robbe could only quietly answer in helplessness, feeling stupid.</p><p>Sander stared at him and froze, appearing to be surprised at his own outburst. After a moment he sighed and rubbed his hands against his face in clear frustration.</p><p>“Why are you here? Did Amber send you?” Sander asked, his voice muffled behind his hands. </p><p>Robbe only shook his head, only to realize the other boy couldn’t see him.</p><p><em>I was worried about you</em>.</p><p>He was about to say that, but stopped himself, remembering what Sander had told him before.</p><p>“Because… I didn’t want you to go.” He admitted with a quiet, shy voice. His heart beating hard and his face was flaming. Both of them were surprised by this answer. Sander let his hands fall and started at Robbe, who quickly bit his lip and looked away. His embarrassment was too strong.</p><p>After a long silence, Robbe finally looked at Sander again. He was calmer than before.</p><p>“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude.”</p><p>“I don’t care about that.” Robbe shook his head. “What happened? Why do you want to go so suddenly?”</p><p>The other boy sighed in exasperation, taking some time to answer. “Because of Britt. It’s so fucking difficult, I don’t think I can stand another day here.”</p><p>“Noor told me you were having some trouble.” Robbe shyly murmured.</p><p>He scoffed. “We’re not having trouble. We’re done!” Sander firmly said, surprising Robbe. “She came here saying she wanted to fix things when I’d already told her I didn’t want to go back with her. She won’t to listen to me! She never listens anything I say.” Sander explained, growing angrier again with each word he said.</p><p>“She must really love you. I mean, she even came here…” Robbe clumsily said.</p><p>To his surprise, Sander bitterly laughed. “That’s what everyone says. My mom, Noor, Amber…” Sander looked at him, a resolute expression on his face. “I don’t love her anymore and I don’t think she really loves me either.”</p><p>Robbe quietly gasped. He didn’t love her anymore? He looked at Sander with wide eyes, before he remembered this had nothing to do with him. Whether Sander loved or not Britt didn’t make a difference for him.</p><p>It didn’t, right?</p><p>Robbe immediately felt embarrassed, remembering that wasn’t the point! Sander, Sander was what mattered in this moment.</p><p>“You must be upset.” Robbe murmured.                           </p><p>Sander sighed. “I was upset, but that was a long time ago. I’m good now, I’m even happy… or was anyway, until she came.”</p><p>“Oh”. Robbe looked at him, not really knowing what he could say.</p><p>“I guess you’re thinking I’m being really cold to her, since she even came here for me.” Sander said, a bitter smile on his face. “But I haven’t loved her in a very long time and while I finally realized it, she still doesn’t want to see it. What else I can do? I can’t give her hopes. If I doubt, she won’t understand it.”</p><p>“No, I get it.” Robbe shook his head. “So you’re really okay?”</p><p>Sander nodded. “Yeah, we weren’t good for each other… It was for the best, breaking up. I’m feeling happy and good on my own.” He licked his lips and looked at him for a long moment before continuing. “But I still want to find someone that I can truly love and who truly loves me, you know?” Sander sighed, a little smile on his face, and he went on, “But I don’t know... what do you recommend me to do, Robbe?”</p><p>Robbe started panicking, nearly feeling his heart on his throat. “Me?” He almost cringed after hearing his own startled voice.</p><p>Sander nodded. “Hmm.”</p><p>Robbe laughed with embarrassment. “I don’t know… Meet new people maybe?” He clumsily said.</p><p>“Meeting new people.” Sander repeated. He looked at the sky, like he was thinking about his words. “Then… I think I’m on the right path.” He said, staring at him again, his hazel eyes glinting.</p><p>A red faced Robbe opened his mouth, but no words came out. He panicked again, wondering if he was misreading things. What was Sander trying to say?</p><p>Sander laughed. “Anyway! I’m okay now, don’t worry. I suddenly snapped and could only think about getting out of here. Sorry.” He laughed again.  </p><p>“Don’t be. I almost wanted to go home too.” Robbe admitted before he could stop himself.</p><p>“Right, you were upset earlier too… Are you okay now?”</p><p>“Uhm...” Well, Robbe hadn’t wanted to go because of <em>that</em>, but it was a good excuse. “Yeah, I’m fine now. I’m having a bit of trouble with my friends… But it’s nothing serious, it’ll be okay.” He tried to smile.</p><p>Sander looked at him for a moment, before suddenly smiling too. “Oh… the <em>Broerrrs, </em>right<em>?</em>” He teased him, catching Robbe off guard.</p><p>“Fuck, how do you even know about that?” Robbe said, looking at the ceiling with embarrassment.</p><p>“You mentioned it the other night… when your friend was doing those horrendous raps.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>“What’s with that anyway?”</p><p>“With the <em>Broerrrs</em>?” </p><p>Sander nodded. “Hmm.”</p><p>“Uhh… it’s some group Jens and Moyo made for fun. We record videos and upload them to YouTube.” He shrugged.</p><p>“Really? Show me!” Sander asked him with excitement.</p><p>“They’re only some really stupid videos.” Robbe quickly said.</p><p>“I like stupid videos.” Sander confidently replied.</p><p>“If you thought Moyo’s raps were lame… I can assure you that some of those videos are even worse.”</p><p>“It can’t be that bad, right?” Sander laughed in disbelief.</p><p>“Well, Moyo and Jens convinced me to do some really stupid videos. I think each of those videos crushed my self-esteem bit by bit… I don’t even know me anymore…”</p><p>“Hmm. Now I’m really interested in finding out if you’re just being dramatic or not. Show me!” Sander laughed.</p><p>Even though they were talking an embarrassing subject as this, Robbe was happy of seeing Sander smiling and laughing again, so at the end he didn’t mind talking about it. He still refused to show the videos to Sander though. He wouldn’t be an idiot who would voluntarily embarrass himself with his crush.</p><p>“I can find them on my own on YouTube anyway… you know that, right?” Sander teased him.</p><p>“Fuck, just don’t, okay!?” Robbe exclaimed laughing. “Why did I even talk to you about those videos?” He helplessly sighed. “Forget about them and let’s just go back.” Robbe said, standing up.</p><p>Sander laughed. “You go first. I’ll stay here for a little more. I don’t want to face Amber right now, she’ll probably lose her mind as soon as she sees me again.” Sander joked.</p><p>Robbe was about to ask him if he was sure about it but decided against it. He wanted to be alone and he should respect that.</p><p>“Alright.” Robbe said, he waved at Sander and walked away.</p><p>“Robbe!” Someone exclaimed when he was about to reach the house on his way back.</p><p>Robbe looked up and saw Noor walking towards him, looking very worried.</p><p>“Robbe… Amber told me about Sander.” She said as soon as she got closer, while looking behind him. “Is he…? He really left?”</p><p>“No, don’t worry. He’s feeling a bit better now. But I think he needs a bit more time alone, he’ll come back later.”</p><p>Noor seemed surprised. “So he’s not leaving?” Robbe shook his head. “Oh… I’m glad. I would have hated if he just leaved like that... since it’s all my fault.” She said regretfully.</p><p>“Why?” Robbe asked in surprise.</p><p>“We shouldn’t have come here. Me and Britt.” Noor replied, repeating the same thing she had told him yesterday. Before Robbe could speak, she went on, “We talked earlier. He’s mad at me.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Sander decided to end things with Britt a few weeks ago. He didn’t want to talk to me about it, but Britt told me they were just taking a break. She came here determined to fix things with him, but Sander told me he’s completely done with her. He didn’t want her to come here.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Noor looked at him a bit curiously. “He told you about it, right? It seems like you already know.”</p><p>“He told me just a bit. I don’t know the full story.”</p><p>Noor sighed. “Well, then you might understand a bit why he’s mad at me. He believes I should have talked to her to stop her instead of supporting her.</p><p>“I don’t think you would do it without a good reason.” </p><p>Noor sighed, a sad smile on her face.</p><p>“Yeah, well, I really thought I was helping them both. Britt is my friend too and she really cares about him. Sander has always been a bit difficult to read, but…” She shrugged. “Anyway, I realize now that I should have asked him first if this was really okay.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Robbe grimaced.</p><p>“I feel like a terrible friend.” Noor sighed.</p><p>“You’re not.” Robbe firmly said. “And don’t worry, it’ll be okay.”</p><p>“I hope so.” She smiled a bit. “But I’m glad that now he has you. You two became good friends in such a short time!” she commented as they walked back to the house.</p><p>Robbe felt anxious for some reason. “Sander is really friendly…” He shrugged, not knowing what to say. To his surprise, Noor laughed a bit.</p><p>“I love Sander a lot, but he’s not friendly.” She shook her head. “I mean, he’s a really nice guy, but I wouldn’t describe him as friendly.”</p><p>Robbe frowned, feeling confused. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“It’s just… Sander knows a lot of people but doesn’t have friends. He mostly sticks to his art and music, so it’s really rare to see him hanging out with people.”</p><p>“What about you? Aren’t you his friend?” Robbe asked carefully, hoping he didn’t sound rude or something, but Noor just smiled.</p><p>“Yeah. I’m his friend, probably his only friend, but we’ve mostly bonded over art. He doesn’t like to talk about a lot of serious stuff with me, so I just try to be here for him as much as I can.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“But he’s changed a lot lately.” Noor smiled. “He even came to this trip with people he doesn’t even know. He surprised me! I couldn’t believe it when he told me about it.” She laughed.</p><p>“He really doesn’t go out a lot, does he?” Robbe asked. He’d already guessed as much, but it was entirely different hearing it from someone else.</p><p>“Hmm. He spends most of the time locked up in that studio, working on his art and photos all the time.”</p><p>“Oh. Well, he told me his mom asked him to come along with Amber to the trip.”</p><p>“Oh, he told you that?” Noor looked at him in surprise.</p><p>“Yeah. Why?”</p><p>“No reason.” She shrugged.</p><p>They walked the rest of the way back in silence, both of them lost on their own thoughts. When they arrived, Robbe saw that no one still had gone back.</p><p>“Where’s everyone?”</p><p>“We were playing some paintball rounds.”</p><p>“Oh. Then you should go back.”</p><p>Noor shook his head. “I’m not feeling up to it.”</p><p>“Yeah, me neither.”</p><p>“Then we should stay here.” Noor said. “Come, I’ll make us something to drink… something non-alcoholic though, my head still hurts and we still have that Halloween party tomorrow.” </p><p>Robbe laughed, agreeing with her. They went to the kitchen and Noor made some stylish drinks that made Robbe felt bad for drinking and then went to sit by the beach, spending the rest of the afternoon just talking.</p><p>When Sander returned in the late afternoon, things got momentarily awkward, because when Sander saw Noor and they only stared at each other in silence. When she ended up leaving first, Robbe felt bad about it, but it wasn’t like he could do something.</p><p>He noticed Sander appeared to be lost in thoughts again, so he considered leaving too, but Robbe realized he didn’t want to leave. Not really. Sander didn’t say anything either, so he stayed with him to make him some company.</p><p>He initially wanted to talk more with Sander, find out what he was thinking right now, understand him a bit more, but Robbe didn’t push it.</p><p>He knew he’d made the right choice when the minutes went by and Sander didn’t try to talk either, instead he took his camera out of the bag he still carried, while Robbe just watched him sitting in silence on the sand…</p><p>Robbe slowly opened his eyes. After he blinked, looked around, and saw the gleaming stars in the dark sky and Sander sitting at his side… he concluded he was probably dreaming.</p><p>He didn’t even try to move, feeling himself weirdly relaxed.</p><p>Maybe because he felt warm, comforted by the sound of the waves and the feeling of Sander at his side.</p><p>Wait… warm? He was outside at night, lying down in the middle of the beach. He shouldn’t be warm.</p><p>Something was covering his body.</p><p>Robbe lazily moved his hands to touch it. He frowned when he realized it felt like jacket and then quickly sat up. At his side Sander had turned to look at him, but Robbe’s focus was still on the black jacket that he had been using as a blanket. Sander’s leather jacket. This couldn’t be a dream… His mind couldn’t be this ridiculous.</p><p>He turned to look at Sander, dozens of thoughts and questions running through his mind, but they couldn’t find an escape through his mouth.</p><p>He wondered when he had fell asleep and for how long, because it was already this fucking dark. He probably fell asleep because he’d had a terrible night of sleep the day before! Did Sander stay at his side the whole time?</p><p>Why didn’t he just wake him up? Why did he use his jacket to cover him up? And what was he supposed to think when Sander did something like that? Was he thinking too much? Robbe was nearly freaking out, but Sander was calmly looking at him, his white hair bright under the moon.</p><p>“I’m sorry…” Robbe said, feeling stupid and embarrassed. He’d stayed to make Sander some company but ended up falling asleep without even noticing and Sander was the one who took care of him instead!</p><p>The other boy just laughed and shook his head. “What’s there to be sorry?” He snorted.</p><p>He didn’t address the subject or let Robbe ask about it or thank him, he calmly took his jacket, stood up and started to walk away. “Come on, let’s go inside.”</p><p>Robbe had been stupidly staring at him, but after he heard Sander’s words he suddenly remembered where they were. Fuck.</p><p>He stood up and they slowly made their way back to the house. A moment later, Robbe shivered in the cold night and his mind filled with thoughts of the other boy sitting there without a jacket as Robbe slept.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>He woke up the next day feeling not too bad. He’d fallen asleep a bit late because he couldn’t stop thinking about Sander and the ambiguous things he’d said and done, feeling hopeful, confused, scared and like an idiot… all at the same time.</p><p>But at the end, soothed by images of him asleep at the beach with Sander at his side, he fell asleep.</p><p>Robbe hesitated a bit before sniffing a bit his shirt, blushing hard when he recognized the scent. He still had the scent Sander’s jacket had left on him! He buried his face on the pillow, too embarrassed of his actions.</p><p>He quickly remembered that he wasn’t alone and sat up, but one was around, not even Sander. He’d fallen asleep before his friends even appeared, so he didn’t have any idea of what was going on with them. </p><p>“Where are Jens and the others?” Robbe finally asked Jana a while later, as they had some breakfast, because his friends were still missing.</p><p>Jana shrugged. “They’ve been acting really mysterious since yesterday. I think they’re up to something.” She rolled his eyes, probably thinking they were doing something stupid or reckless.</p><p>“Oh.” Robbe’s stomach dropped. He remembered now what they were doing, what he was supposed to be doing right now. Jana frowned, noticing his worry.</p><p>“Are you guys fighting or something?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s just… I noticed you hanged out with Sander for most of the trip.” She explained. That troubled Robbe even more. Jana, probably everyone, had already noticed this. Fuck.</p><p>“No… we just get along pretty well. That’s all.” Robbe could only say, trying to act nonchalant. “I also have some problems with my mom… so I’ve been a bit distracted. I even forgot we had plans for today, they probably didn’t want to bother me.” He added, for good measure.</p><p>“Oh. Is she okay?”</p><p>Robbe felt bad for lying when he saw her worried expression. “No, don’t worry, it’s nothing serious.” Robbe added, trying to smile.</p><p>Why he always had to do everything wrong? He’d been lying to Jens for a long time. He kept hanging out with Sander when he knew it wasn’t good idea. He’d argued with Moyo and said things he shouldn’t have. Now he’d even lied to Jana and made her worry.</p><p>His friends had ditched him and went on their own to do the preparations for that Halloween video they wanted to make. He felt bad, really bad about it. But he didn’t think he had the right to feel hurt or angry about it. This was his own fault after all. He’d been whining about the vlogs, the <em>Broerrrs</em> and Moyo all week, so this outcome shouldn’t be surprising.</p><p>But even Jens… An insecure and pathetic part of him thought that maybe they were just tired of him and his sudden changes of moods. But he should be glad, he was finally free of the stupid <em>Broerrrs</em>, right?</p><p>“What happened?” Robbe heard Jana ask. Robbe came back to reality and followed Jana’s gaze. Britt was there, looking visibly upset, her eyes red and puffy with tears.</p><p>She looked at Jana shaking her head, and then at him, for some reason her glare hardening as she looked at Robbe. He was taken aback, not understanding why she was looking at him in that way. Jana immediately stood up and walked away with Britt, probably to talk about it.</p><p>What could have happened to her? Maybe she had argued with Sander again. He couldn’t think of another reason that explained her tears. He felt worried about Sander but there wasn’t anything he could do. He didn’t even know where he was.</p><p>The day went on, long and boring. His friends didn’t appear in all day and neither Sander, so Robbe spent most of the day endlessly scrolling through his phone. Night arrived, and soon everyone was reunited again outside of the house.</p><p>His friends appeared acting all mysterious, Robbe’s chest tightened the more he watched Moyo acting perfectly normal, but not even looking at Robbe.</p><p>What was supposed to mean?</p><p>He started panicking again, but he dug his nails on his flesh, remembering he couldn’t allow himself to think about that right now. If he started acting all paranoid everyone would notice something was wrong with him.</p><p>He did his best to act normal and went along with everyone to the haunted house, even though he wasn’t in the mood.</p><p>To his surprise, Sander appeared again along with Noor on their way there. Maybe they had made up. The surprise and curiosity quickly transformed into disappointment when he realized Sander wouldn’t even look or talk to him.</p><p>He tried to convince himself that this was for the best, since everyone else was around, but Robbe felt confused anyway. Sometimes he appeared out of nowhere to talk to him and sometimes it was like he just ignored him. Why?</p><p>Robbe barely paid attention to the haunted house, his mind kept wandering off but unfortunately, he was in a fucking haunted house, so his friends caught him off guard a lot of times. That, the stupid things his friends said, and the girl’s anxiety and screams annoyed him to the point he only wanted to run out of there.</p><p>By the time they were returning to the house, Robbe was really annoyed, only wishing to disappear. Robbe didn’t even feel bad when Aaron pulled a stupid prank on Amber that ended in her walking away in anger leaving a confused Aaron behind.</p><p>Robbe started drinking like crazy, just watching everyone around him without really giving a fuck. He expected some boring night ahead of him, and he was fine with it, not wishing to talk to anyone right now.</p><p>But when Jens all of the sudden asked him to take out some beers of the freezer, Robbe almost told him to fuck off. They didn’t tell him anything about the haunted house, forgot about him for the whole fucking day and now they wanted some fucking beers?</p><p>He was fuming, but he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of everyone by making some scene, so he gritted his teeth and went to the freezer to take out the fucking beers.</p><p>He opened it. Someone screamed. Robbe screamed too and jumped backwards, completely caught off guard.</p><p>When he realized Aaron was hiding there and Jens was recording him, he forgot about everything. All coherent thoughts left him, the only thing left was that awful thing that had been growing inside him for the whole day. He furiously screamed at them and locked himself in the bedroom.</p><p>He grabbed one pillow and punched it over and over again, not stopping until his heard hurt and he collapsed on the bed. He laid down, staring at the ceiling, his heart beating hard and his eyes burning with tears that wanted to come out.</p><p>He didn’t know if he was upset at his friends and their stupid prank or with himself and his stupid outburst in front of everyone.</p><p>He didn’t come out again. Not even when he heard some knocks and Jens calling for him. He couldn’t face anyone right now. If only he could go home… But instead he’d been stuck here for days, with a whirlwind of emotions and lot of people around to watch him slowly lose the battle against them, until he finally exploded. </p><p>Robbe only came out of the room once he was hundred percent sure it was safe to do so, when everyone was at that Halloween party. He couldn’t handle being another minute stuck in that fucking bedroom and needed some fresh air.</p><p>Robbe froze in the doorway that led to the outside of the house when he saw a single person sitting near the bonfire. He didn’t even consider the possibility of someone staying behind.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1) Originally, since I took the beach trip plot from the show, I was visualizing the same place we saw on screen but as you might have seen... i slowly deviated from it so now I'm just mixing places I've been lol... </p><p>Thanks for reading!!!! Be safe!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Ocean</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hahaha I took me some extra days to upload it... I tend to overthink a lot, sometimes I believe I write, sometimes I don't. Anyway, here's the chapter! I hope you like it! As always, I'm grateful for the support I've received so far!! Lots of love for all of you! &lt;3</p><p>Warning: Some reckless behavior. Homophobia. Angst and tension. Unbetaed chapter I'm so SORRY for any stupid mistake you might find lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sander was sitting there.</p><p>Everyone, but Sander had gone to the party. Why?</p><p>Robbe watched him closely, noticing his spiky white hair, his face pale with some make-up and the white shirt he was using. He was ready to go to the party, why he was still here?</p><p>The confusion and surprise made him completely forget the embarrassment he’d been feeling for the last couple of hours.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Robbe blurted out.</p><p>Sander had been too busy staring at the fire, not even noticing Robbe until he spoke. He looked up and stared at him in surprise, before shrugging. “It was a super boring party. I came back.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Robbe felt embarrassed and stupid. He didn’t expect someone staying behind, <em>he even hoped nobody stayed</em>, but when he saw Sander, he felt some sort of warmness. Maybe he had stayed behind… for him, to make him some company, he thought.</p><p>“All your friends were worried about you. Jens even wanted to come back, but the girls kept telling him to give you some space.” Sander said.</p><p>“Alright. Thank you.” Robbe tried to smile a bit. He felt a bit relieved, at least Jens wasn’t mad at him because of the drama he’d made, and nobody seemed to think bad of him. He slowly sat down in one of the chairs after brief moment of hesitation. A long moment of silence extended between them before Sander spoke.</p><p>“How are you feeling?”</p><p>Robbe forced out a laugh. “Embarrassed and really stupid.”</p><p>Sander raised his eyebrows. “Why?”</p><p>Robbe scoffed and started at him with incredulity, before quickly looking away. “Are you blind or something? Didn’t you just see the scene I made earlier in front of everyone?”</p><p>To his surprise, Sander laughed a bit. “I’ve done a lot of stupid and embarrassing things, so very few things can make me feel uncomfortable now.”</p><p>Robbe scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Thanks, but I still feel really embarrassed right now.” After a moment of hesitation, he added, “You should go to the party, even that must be funnier than watching me being like this.”</p><p>“Not in the mood for a party.” He firmly said.</p><p>A long moment of silence.</p><p>Sander chewed his lip, maybe considering something as his eyes looked at him, sparkling like jewels, possibly reflecting the fire dancing between them. “But you know what I want to do?”</p><p>Despite his shame, Robbe felt curious anyway and waited. “This our last night here, let’s go for a good swim.”</p><p>“What!!?” Robbe blurted out in disbelief.  </p><p>“Let’s go for a swim… at the beach!” Sander happily said.</p><p>Robbe laughed, thinking Sander was only joking. “The water surely will be freezing, and we’re in the middle of the night.”</p><p>“Look, we both had a really long day today. Do you really want to stay here thinking about it?” Sander smiled a bit. “Come on, once you’re there, you’ll only be thinking about the cold water. You’ll feel a bit better.”</p><p>Robbe looked at him. That was actually a good point. Before Robbe could make up his mind though, Sander had already stood up and was walking towards the beach. Robbe did the same and followed him in some sort of a daze, not fully believing Sander was being serious.</p><p>But of course, he underestimated him again.</p><p>As soon as Sander got close to the shore, he started taking off his clothes without hesitation, no stopping until the only thing left was his underwear. By then Robbe felt his heart beating hard and fast. <em>He was really doing this!</em> he thought, nearly choking when he saw his fingers pulling down a bit his underwear.</p><p>“Sander!?” Robbe exclaimed before he could stop himself.</p><p>Sander laughed and turned his neck to glance at him. “Alright, alright. I’ll go all the way some other time.”</p><p><em>What some other time!?</em> Robbe wanted to ask, but instead he glanced at the peaceful dark sea. The moon was so bright, and its light reflected on the surface of the water. It was beautiful scene but also intimidating.</p><p>“Are you really doing this?”</p><p>“I’ve always wanted swim in the beach at night.” Sander said as answer, his grin and hair glinting under the moonlight. “Come on. The waves are so small here, we’ll be okay.”</p><p>“But we won’t be able to see anything!”</p><p>He looked again at the black water, imagining all kind of creatures lurking below the surface. The waves or the water didn’t worry him, he was a good swimmer after all, but animals were another thing.</p><p>“What? Do you think the kraken is waiting for you or something?” Sander laughed. Robbe glared at him in exasperation, even though the other couldn’t see it. “Haha. Funny.”</p><p>Sander grinned one more last time before he suddenly running to the water. Robbe threw his arms in the air in wonder, watching him go and go more deeply, until he was able to see only his head and shoulders</p><p>“Sander!! Fuck!” Robbe exclaimed when Sander went below the surface, effortlessly swimming like he did this every day.</p><p>“Come on!” Sander said after he came out.</p><p>Robbe sighed.</p><p>After a moment he slowly started taking his clothes, though not even nearly as enthusiastic as Sander. He was truly scared, but he realized the point of this was to forget about everything, so he decided to go for it.</p><p>“What the hell are you waiting for!?” Sander exclaimed.</p><p>“You’re the guinea pig right now. I’m making sure nothing is lurking down there.” Robbe exclaimed too. “And I’m not joking right now!”</p><p>Sander laughed hard.  “I know! You just broke my heart!”</p><p>Robbe rolled his eyes as his feet finally touched the water, the water immediately reaching almost half of his calves. It was considerably cold, but that was the least of his concerns. Robbe went on until he reached Sander.</p><p>His heart was beating so hard as he held his breath, waiting for the feeling of something grabbing or stinging his legs. Nothing happened…</p><p>“Fuck.”</p><p>“You are really scared, huh?”</p><p>“No! I’m fucking freezing!”</p><p>“Okay… Then go underwater.” Sander dared him.</p><p>“Why? There’s no point. It’s dark and we’re on the shore, we can’t see anything anyway.”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter. Just do it.” Sander said. Robbe couldn’t see his face clearly, but he could hear the laughter in his voice.</p><p>“I’ll do it.”</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>Robbe still didn’t do it, but Sander kept laughing at him, so he just went for it, gritting his teeth as he felt the cold water surrounding him. He emerged to the surface with a gasp and after he rubbed the water out of his eyes, he realized Sander wasn’t in front of him anymore.</p><p>He rolled his eyes, already guessing what was coming next.</p><p>“Come on, Sander, do you think we are in some bad horror movie?” Robbe said even when Sander couldn’t hear him. He still when he felt Sander’s fingers tickling his waist anyway.</p><p>“So fucking cliché.” Robbe muttered when Sander abruptly came out the water, splashing it everywhere. A grin flashed under the moonlight.</p><p>Sander was so close to him, he could feel his hot breath against his cold skin. Robbe quickly moved away from him feeling nervous. He sighed, trying to act casual as he turned to look at the endless water reflecting the moon.</p><p>He left himself float in water, it wasn’t difficult. The surface was calm and the waves were really small, barely moving him and lifting him. He could stare at the sky and its white, bright little specks.</p><p>Everything was so calm and quiet for a moment, he only heard and felt water all around him. Robbe felt like a little, lonely cork floating in the deep sea, and suddenly everything was so simple and peaceful.</p><p>It didn’t take him long to remember where he was though.</p><p>Before he could start panicking, he felt soft, warm hands on his skin stabilizing him, keeping him afloat. Sander’s face suddenly appeared above him as he held him.</p><p>“I got you.” He said. Robbe smiled, Sander too.</p><p>Because the other boy was leaning in, a shadow had fallen over his face. Robbe didn’t know what kind of expression he had, but a moment later he felt his fingers traveling up his neck, jaw, cheek and then he cupped his face. As if on impulse, Sander leaned in and placed a kiss on his forehead. Everything was cold around him, but his forehead, his face, his heart, all suddenly felt hot. Sander’s lips lingered on his skin, his hot breathing against his skin, before he quickly withdrew.</p><p>Robbe had forgotten about everything around him so when Sander moved away, he sank in the water. He quickly stood up, coughing the water that had entered his mouth. When he was able to breathe again he turned around in shock and confusion.</p><p>“You okay?” Sander asked.</p><p>“Yeah…” He replied feeling dumb.</p><p>Without another word Sander turned around and walked out of the water, Robbe following too. Once they reached dry sand Sander stopped out of the nowhere and turned around, Robbe stopped too. They were a bit far from each other, so Robbe wasn’t able to see his expression clearly, though the fact that Sander couldn’t see him either relieved him a bit, he didn’t know what kind of expression he had on his own face.</p><p>The calm sound of the sea was all that could be heard.</p><p>Robbe waited for Sander to make or say something, but when the other boy didn’t do anything, he realized that maybe Sander was also waiting for him to do something.</p><p>What he should do? Run away? Confront him? He was freaking out. He didn’t know how to react, so of course giving Sander some kind of reaction was extremely difficult.</p><p> “I’ll make us something warm to drink.” Robbe managed to say. It wasn’t like he needed it, since he felt heat all over his body, but couldn’t think of something else.</p><p>Sander didn’t say anything. Robbe tried to walk calmly to the house, even though he felt everything but calmness.</p><p>As he saw the house, lights and everything after spending so much time under the moonlight, it felt like leaving another reality behind, where only him and Sander existed, if only for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The first few hours of the next morning were quiet and uneventful. A bit hazy too, for him. Everyone had come back to sleep really late and had drunk a lot, so most of the group was having terrible headaches or feeling sick. But of course, Amber didn’t care about anything of that.</p><p> Since she didn’t drink much and took her responsibilities very seriously, she was busy bossing around everyone so they would clean the house before they went back home in a few hours.</p><p>Robbe didn’t even know when they had come back from the party. After making some coffee, Sander and Robbe drank it in silence sitting near the bonfire, watching the beautiful, calm sea and the bright full moon, both of them lost in their thoughts and memories.</p><p>Robbe only daring a couple of glances at the other boy, always making sure he didn’t notice it. But he could still tell both of them wanted to say a lot of things but didn’t dare to get them out. The rest of the night was quiet, but also tense and confusing, and Robbe ended up going to bed first with a lot of unsaid things.</p><p>It didn’t make much of a difference, he wasn’t able to sleep until it was late and ended up waking up early. Since then he’d been dutifully following Amber’s orders as he cleaned the house, anything to keep his mind busy.</p><p>Robbe was coming back to the kitchen after a meticulous cleaning of the toilets, at the same time Amber got out to scold his friends. “Come on, guys, you have to clean the bedrooms.” She was saying to Aaron, Jens and Moyo who were lazing on the couch with clearly serious hangovers. “Get up already. Come on.”</p><p>“I’ve cleaned the toilets.” Robbe said as soon as she noticed him.</p><p>Amber looked at him skeptically and asked, “With bleach?”</p><p>“Yeah, with bleach.” Robbe answered.</p><p>“Okay, come.” Amber said glaring at his friends before going inside.</p><p>Robbe dared a quick look at his friends too before he followed Amber inside. His friends were feeling sick and Robbe was distracted and busy, so they had exchanged only a few words. Robbe didn’t know where they were standing right now. And Moyo…</p><p>His thoughts stopped as soon as he saw Sander in the kitchen. Robbe hadn’t seen him in all morning, he’d disappeared again. But now he was here again, lazing too, more interested in drinking a cup of coffee in the kitchen instead of helping Amber.</p><p>Robbe tried not to smile when he heard Amber dramatically sigh as she looked at Sander. “Come on, Sander. Those all empty bottles won’t walk to the glass container on their own.” Sander looked at Amber first and then at Robbe, who just swallowed and stood very still. His stomach twisted painfully when he looked away almost instantly.</p><p>“Yes, I’ll do it, just let me have my cup of coffee.” Sander said. Amber crossed her arms and glared at him, until Sander sighed and grudgingly put down his cup.</p><p>“Fine, fine.”</p><p>“And you can help him with the bottles” Amber said to Robbe.</p><p>He opened his mouth to object but closed it when Amber scowled. He reluctantly took one of the crates full of bottles and walked out of the house along with Sander.</p><p>They approached the garbage containers and took care of the bottles in silence, occasionally exchanging quick glances</p><p>Once again, both of them wanted to say something but weren’t able to utter the words.</p><p>“I’m sorry about last night.” Sander finally said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.</p><p>Robbe froze, his arm stopping in the air. “I know it was weird. Just don’t take it too seriously, okay? I…”</p><p>Robbe put a bottle back in the box a bit forcefully and glared at Sander who had shut up and was also looking at him.</p><p>“What are you saying then? Was it some kind of joke?” Robbe snapped. Sander looked at him with big surprised eyes and quickly shook his head.</p><p>But Sander didn’t say anything. Robbe let out an angered breath and brusquely turned around, just wanting to get away from this place as soon as possible. He froze when he felt Sander’s hand grasp his jacket sleeve, stopping him before he could take another step.</p><p>“No, of course it wasn’t a joke. I’m sorry… I was panicking. I thought you were angry with me.”</p><p>“What makes you think that?” Robbe stupidly asked. After he spoke, he knew the answer already, but Sander answered him anyway.</p><p>“You didn’t say anything after… you know.” Sander murmured.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Robbe said looking away. “So you didn’t…? Why did you do it?” He blurted out and forced himself to look at him. Robbe already knew it, Sander probably already knew Robbe knew.</p><p>He remembered his fingers, tenderly tracing his face and the soft, impulsive kiss on his forehead. Jens would never do something like that, much less Aaron or Moyo. Robbe still needed to hear it. He needed to know his mind wasn’t playing him tricks or something.</p><p>“I like you.” So small, so quiet, but he had said it.</p><p>Robbe released the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. He initially felt happy, hopeful, finally knowing something he’d been considering, sensing but never knew for sure.</p><p>Hearing the words made it real.</p><p>And he wasn’t sure he could face it. Not yet, when he still was figuring it out. The idea of everyone knowing when he was still discovering himself… It was so sudden and so soon. He thought he would have some time… But then he realized he never expected Sander to like him back or do something. Not really. If Sander hadn’t done that, Robbe would probably live with the uncertainty, too afraid and confused to make a movement himself.</p><p>But now it was a certainty, and it had been just shoved in front of him. Well, Sander initially gave him an escape, but Robbe stupidly asked him about it, only to realize that he couldn’t face it after all.</p><p>He opened his mouth and closed it again, looking at Sander, helpless, panicked. He couldn’t do it. He shouldn’t have asked. His stupid feelings had betrayed him and put him in this awkward situation. He would have to reject Sander and tell him he was misunderstanding things. He shook his head and opened his mouth to speak but closed it when he heard someone approaching them.</p><p>Robbe turned around fast. It was Luca, coming to throw away some garbage. Robbe barely listened to her words and walked away from there, not even daring to look back at Sander as he left him behind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Robbe.” Jens said, sitting beside him.</p><p>Robbe involuntary sighed, before that scene with Sander he’d wanted to clear things up with his friends, but he wasn’t in the mood right now.</p><p>What a big fucking surprise.</p><p>“Not now, Jens, okay?” Robbe muttered without looking at him.</p><p>He had his eyes fixed on the beach, a scowl on his face. The beach where a lot of awful things had happened, but also some surreal and beautiful experiences. Experiences he would have to leave behind. He couldn’t wait to get away from this fucking place. He was sick of it. </p><p>Jens sighed in exasperation.</p><p>“Not now? Then when? If we don’t talk now, you’ll just ignore me all weekend. I don’t want to wait until Monday, I don’t want to drag this anymore.”</p><p>“So you now want to talk to me? You barely talked to me these last two days.” Robbe spat before he could stop himself.</p><p>Jens scoffed. “I was only giving you some space!”</p><p>“I didn’t even ask for it! What made you think I wanted some space?”</p><p>“You’ve been acting weird all week, like you didn’t even want to hang out with anyone. I thought you could use some space.”</p><p>Robbe bitterly chuckled, his eyes burning with unshed tears of anger. Of course Jens was right. He was such a terrible and insufferable friend. He couldn’t help but wonder if Jens was being easy on him. Maybe the real reason they had left him alone was because they couldn’t deal with him anymore. But he wouldn’t say it out loud, he didn’t want to be that pathetic and insecure in front of his friend. No, he couldn’t think like this.</p><p>“I thought the haunted house and the scare prank would cheer you up a bit, like the good old times, but now I realize it was completely stupid. I just didn’t imagine you hated that much the <em>Broerrrs</em>.” Jens went on, a trace of regret on his voice. Robbe felt horrible, like someone was squeezing his heart.</p><p>“I don’t…” Robbe weakly said.</p><p>“Well, you always zone out every time we talk about it and when we do the videos you look like it’s the last thing you want to do.” Jens sighed. “I just don’t get why you wouldn’t tell us.”</p><p>“I don’t hate it.” Robbe firmly said. Before yesterday, Robbe thought he did, but after he felt sad and hurt when they let him out of it, he realized he didn’t hate the <em>Broerrrs</em>. He just… wasn’t in the mood for them at the moment. Forcing himself to do them was what was provoking his dislike to the project. “It’s just… I’m not feeling well these days.”</p><p>“Alright. But the question it’s the same, why you wouldn’t tell us you didn’t want to do them anymore? You know we would have been okay with it, right?”</p><p>Robbe dumbly nodded, still not looking at him.</p><p>Jens put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m probably pushing you right now. It’s just… I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with you and everything I tried to do to help went wrong. Giving you some space, that stupid joke, Moyo…”</p><p>“Moyo?” Robbe unconsciously asked. </p><p>“I talked to Moyo so he would talk to you, but I can sense it didn’t go well.” Robbe’s whole body stiffened. “He wouldn’t talk to me about it though. What happened?”</p><p>Robbe relaxed only a bit. He could only guess what the hell Moyo was thinking right now. Robbe initially feared Moyo would think the worse and tell everyone about it, but when the time passed and nothing happened, he concluded Moyo didn’t suspect anything.</p><p>Maybe it was a really naïve and stupid reasoning, but he couldn’t really deal with another fucking problem right now. He ignored it, since ignoring problems was what he did best.</p><p>“I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.” Robbe could only say through the lump of his throat.</p><p>Jens shook his head. “I don’t want you to blame yourself or feel bad. <em>I want you talk to me</em>. Or someone. You’re only making this harder for yourself.”</p><p>Jens stood up and left him alone. Robbe kept his gaze fixed in front of him, not wanting Jens to see his wet eyes. Once Jens was far enough Robbe blew out a frustrated sigh and buried his face on his hands, nearly digging his nails on his face.</p><p>He wanted to talk to someone so bad, maybe someone else could help him to sort through the mess he had of a mind. But if he said something… Someone else knowing it would make it real and everything would change, there would be no going back. He wasn’t ready for that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>While in the trip, Robbe had felt both in heaven and hell. Everything on his life, Robbe himself, was falling apart but at least Sander was there. Scaring him, confusing him, but also helping him to forget about everything, making him feel a happiness and freedom he didn’t know it existed.</p><p>But now, he was back home, Sander wasn’t around, and he felt as he if was deep in hell, all alone. This was the first time he felt so alone, although it was by choice.</p><p>Robbe was avoiding everyone. Avoiding his mom and father, Jens, Moyo, Zoë, Milan, Sander…</p><p>He was angry at his father, he wouldn’t even think about it. He knew if he visited his mom, he would end up crying in front of her, hugging her, asking her some sort of comfort and he couldn’t do her that. He didn’t know how to deal with Moyo. Zoë and Milan kept asking him questions he didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t dare to face Jens either. And Sander…</p><p>Robbe stared at his phone for the umpteenth time. Sander had sent him some messages through Instagram for the last few days.</p><p>
  <em>earthlingoddity: I’m so sorry. I acted through my own selfish wishes and didn’t consider your own feelings. Let’s just talk. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>earthlingoddity: Can we talk? please?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>earthlingoddity: I get it now. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>earthlingoddity: I’m sorry. </em>
</p><p>After reading that last message, Robbe panicked, wondering what Sander was thinking... <em>“I get it now?”</em> Robbe almost broke his silence to write to Sander that he couldn’t possibly get it, but at the end he couldn’t do it.</p><p>And what Robbe had already predicted, happened. Sander didn’t write him anymore after that. Full three days had happened since that last message and a full week since he had seen Sander for the last time, walking away with Noor after everyone split up to go their respective houses.</p><p>Robbe put away his phone and stood up. It was Friday already and he still hadn’t visited his mom. He’d originally planned to visit her on the weekend he came back from the trip, but Robbe still felt too emotional after all that happened in the trip, so he didn’t dare to go, fearing he would end up crying on her arms like a little child as soon as she hugged him.</p><p>But he wouldn’t postpone anymore. She had been texting him all week, asking him why he didn’t visit her and if he didn’t love her anymore. He couldn’t keep letting her down, so he asked the doctor if it was fine visiting her today and she agreed.</p><p>He got out of the house and made his way to the hospital. After talking to the doctor, he made his way to his mom’s room, anxiously chewing his lip, gripping hard the pot in his hands. He looked at the plant, feeling utterly stupid.</p><p>A long time ago his mom had loved taking care of plants, so Robbe thought it would be a good idea bringing her some colorful plant for her room. But now he felt dumb, thinking that his mom probably wouldn’t care about some stupid plant to make up for his absence.</p><p>He hesitated in the door before deeply breathing in and opening the door.</p><p>His mom was laying down on the bed, barely reacting as he closed the door behind him. Robbe paused for a moment, before quietly walking to her, putting the pot in a table. He leaned in to place a soft kiss in the top of her head. She turned around a bit to look at him and when she saw him, she quickly sat up and threw her arms around his neck.</p><p>“My son! You’re here! I missed you.” She said over and over, hugging him hard. Robbe hugged back, some tears accumulating in his eyes.</p><p>He hugged her hard, thinking about how he had let her down for the past few weeks all because he was too absorbed in his own feelings, now he was starting to do the same with his friends and now even Sander… He just kept doing everything wrong because he couldn’t sort of his feelings. He couldn’t keep going on like this.</p><p>“I’m so sorry.”</p><p>She leaned back and kissed him in the cheek, Robbe stomach dropped when he felt some wetness on his skin. “I’m sorry.” He repeated.</p><p>His mom smiled through tears. “It’s okay, you’re been busy, right? And you’ve been with friends, right? It’s okay. Just let me know, alright? Or your mom will start thinking bad things.”</p><p>“Okay. I’m sorry.” Robbe nodded. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>He stayed with her for the rest of the day. He was so happy to realize she was improving so much after being here week for the last four weeks. He talked with her like he hadn’t talked in a long time, though she mostly listened to him. He told her a bit about the trip and the new friends he’d made. Sander’s name even got out of his mouth before he even realized it, he choked up a bit, his eyes burning. He breathed in and talked a bit about him and even Noor, trying to cheer up himself a little. He would fix everything. It would be okay.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>&lt;&gt; </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Robbe had felt in a big problem for the last few days. He resolved he would start fixing things little by little, starting with Jens, before he realized there was an even bigger problem. Moyo.</p><p>After that argument on the trip, Robbe expected the worst, but until now, nothing happened yet. He didn’t know if he should just ignore everything and just fix things with Jens or talk to Moyo first. Even if they weren’t the best friends, he still was his friends… Sort of. He didn’t know where they stood now. He just knew if he kept having problems with Moyo, he would only make things awkward and difficult for everyone.</p><p>But, against all his expectations, Moyo looked for him first.</p><p>Robbe was at the skatepark, his skateboard long forgotten at his side as he looked at the river. He’d came with the idea of trying some tricks to burn some steam but unfortunately, he wasn’t in the best state of mind, all his attempts were fruitless and he just gave up.</p><p>Robbe sighed, deciding it would be for the best to just go home. He turned around to take his skateboard but was surprised to see someone approaching him. It was Moyo. He stopped near him, looking serious and uncomfortable.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Robbe slowly asked.</p><p>He’d came here knowing his friends wouldn’t be here at this moment, so that had to mean Moyo had come to talk to him.</p><p>Moyo cleared his throat. “I wanted to talk with you.”</p><p>“How did you know I was here?”</p><p>“I didn’t. I just took my chances.”</p><p>Robbe sighed and looked away. “Well, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”</p><p>“I just wanted to apologize.”</p><p>“Apologize? For what?”</p><p>“For what happened on the trip… and just everything.”</p><p>Robbe stiffened but forced out a scoff.</p><p>“On the trip? That happened more than a week ago. I don’t even remember what you’re talking about. And why now anyway?”</p><p>Moyo hesitated. “I actually wanted to talk to you before but… I didn’t think you would want to talk to me. That gave me some time to think more about it.”</p><p>“Well, you weren’t wrong. I’m not… sure if I want to talk to you right now.” Robbe muttered.</p><p>“I know... I’m sorry.” Moyo said.</p><p> Robbe scoffed. “Why now? You didn’t even feel bad about it, not until I called you out anyway.” </p><p>“I know I was an asshole. But that doesn’t mean I can’t acknowledge I fucked up and be sorry for it. We all say or do stupid things at some point of our lives, right?”</p><p>“You said a <em>lot</em> of stupid things since we’ve known each other.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Why? I just don’t get it.” </p><p>“I don’t know.” Moyo replied, looking down. Robbe looked at him speechless. “I just know you were right. I don’t ever think about how other people feel about my words. I thought about it, this last week. Luca kept making fun of me on the trip and I hated it, but I realized she was just giving me back what I deserved, what I always did.” </p><p>Robbe sighed looking back at the river. That kind of made sense.</p><p>“I don’t know if you still want to be friends with me, but… I’m really sorry. I’ll try to be a better person now, I guess.” Moyo awkwardly said.</p><p>Robbe really meant it when he said he would try to fix everything. After Jens talked with him, Robbe realized it was his fault too, he’d never stood up for himself and just let Moyo do whatever he wanted. Maybe one of the reasons Moyo behaved like that was because no one confronted him before.</p><p>He believed him when he said he was sorry and he still would try to be his friend, though this time he would me more careful. He wouldn’t allow to be insulted anymore. He had to speak up from now on.</p><p>Robbe looked at him again and smiled a bit. “Yeah, we can try. Just don’t… don’t do that kind of jokes anymore.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Moyo nodded.  </p><p>He hesitated a bit and when he looked at him again, Robbe’s stomach dropped. He already knew what he was going to say. “About what you said…”</p><p>“It’s fine already. Just forget about it.” He snapped.</p><p>“You don’t look fine.”</p><p>Robbe scoffed. “So now you even worry about me?” He mocked him. He was probably being an asshole, but Moyo was pushing it.</p><p>“I know I’m still an asshole and that we’re not the best friends, but I can see you’re not okay. You should talk with Jens… he’s your best friend, right?”</p><p>“Talk about what?”</p><p>“You know what.” Moyo said awkwardly, shrugging as he avoided looking at him.</p><p>That angered Robbe even more. Moyo knew, of course he knew. Robbe had screamed it that day but when Moyo just acted like nothing happened, Robbe clung to the hope that somehow Moyo had overlooked the true meaning of his impulsive words. What was the point of playing it dumb anymore?</p><p>“You can’t even say it out loud.” Robbe bitterly muttered.</p><p>“I suck at this, okay? I’m fucking trying.” Moyo sighed. Robbe opened his mouth and closed it, swallowing hard.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I suddenly understood, why you were having a hard time. It’s because you’re probably…. worried… about people like me, right? About what everyone will say.”</p><p>“You’re pitying me now?” Robbe snorted.</p><p>“I don’t pity you… Fuck. I’m just making this worse and worse. I’ll leave you alone now but…” Moyo sighed again. “, just talk to Jens, alright? I think he also said some stupid things, but he wouldn’t reject you. He didn’t say those things out of hate, just ignorance.”</p><p>“And what about you? Why did you say them?” Robbe asked for a moment.</p><p>“I don’t know. I was ignorant, I thought it was funny. It’s the kind of jokes… everyone says.”</p><p>“So you don’t hate gay people?”</p><p>“No, not really. But honestly speaking… I don’t understand it either… I’m sorry.” Moyo awkwardly admitted, then added, “But I’m just an asshole, right? Don’t mind asshole people like me.”</p><p>Robbe said nothing as he kept staring at the water. Moyo finally left him alone, but Robbe still didn’t move for a long time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>More angst... Sorry!! It ends in the next chapter, I swear ^__^</p><p>1)The scene at the ocean... I've done it before (swimming at night) and it was so AMAZING and beautiful, but so scary too!! The ocean was calm, but what scared me was finding something ugly.... Anyway, when I saw the series I wanted to see some scene at the ocean, so I wrote it. I think the outcome was a bit unrealistic and weird hahahh but I liked a lot writing it.<br/>2)The scene with Moyo, yeah... he was awkward expressing himself and I tried to write it accordingly. The situation it's not the ideal yet but he'll have more character development.<br/>3)The scene with Robbe's mom, it was very short, but I have more important interactions planned.</p><p>THANKS for reading, let me know what you think! I love comments!<br/>Be safe &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Talking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Omg... The more I go through the story, the more difficult it gets. On this chapter... a lot of important conversations happen, I can only hope they're satisfying enough! I tried doing my best! </p><p>Thank you again for all the support, it's a really great motivation to keep you writing despite the difficulties and blockages hahah</p><p>Warnings...: Lots of talking about internal conflicts. Unbetaed chapter SORRY for any stupid mistake!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<p>Robbe was furiously scrubbing the table surface, occasionally stealing some nervous glances at Milan, who was doing the dishes. After a careful consideration, Robbe had concluded Milan was the only person that maybe could help him. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but he was aware couldn’t keep prolonging it anymore. Thinking about it on his own, had only help him in confusing himself even more.</p>
<p>That’s why, as soon as Zoë and Senne went to their room after dinner, Robbe gathered the courage, determined to start solving this. He was so decided a minute ago but now…</p>
<p>“Alright, what’s going on?” Milan asked. He turned around and rose his eyebrows, giving him a look.</p>
<p>“What?” He automatically said, looking up a bit startled.</p>
<p>“You’ve been cleaning that table over the last ten minutes. What’s up? You want to tell me something?” Milan smirked raising his eyebrows.</p>
<p>Robbe hard blushed. He had not!</p>
<p>“That’s not true!” He protested throwing the cloth, but Milan interrupted him with another look. He sighed and murmured, “Fine, maybe I want to talk about something. But can we… Is it okay if we talk in my room?”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>So they made their way to his room, Robbe closing the door behind him. He didn’t move from the door and instead, chewed his lip as he nervously looked at Milan, who had sat up in his bed and was watching him expectantly.</p>
<p>Robbe let out a sigh and collapsed on the bed, beside Milan.</p>
<p>“Uhh… I don’t even know from where I should start.” He sighed.</p>
<p>Milan just smiled. “You’re lucky today. I’ve got plenty of time.”</p>
<p>He decided to start with the only thing he was sure of right now. “Okay. The thing is… I like someone.”</p>
<p>“Okay!” Milan replied, a smile playing on his lips, obviously holding his excitement and curiosity for Robbe’s sake.</p>
<p>“I’m starting to like that person… a lot.” Robbe repeated. He nearly rolled his eyes, he couldn’t keep saying how much he liked him, right?</p>
<p>He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, realizing he would never make his point unless he told the whole truth. “It’s a guy. I like a guy.” He blurted out, eyes on his lap, cheeks flaming hot.</p>
<p>Milan didn’t say anything. Robbe looked up, his older roommate was patiently waiting for him.</p>
<p>“He’s a really nice person. I’ve known him for few weeks, and we have a lot of fun together. I’m certain I like him, but… I don’t know if that’s supposed to make me gay. Is that…? Well, you know.” He stammered.</p>
<p>“That depends.”</p>
<p>“On what?”</p>
<p>“Well, on my experience… I’ve known people who felt attracted to someone of the same sex, but that didn’t mean they were attracted to the sex, they just liked the person. But other people, like me, realized the attraction when beyond one person to more persons of the same sex. That could mean you’re gay. But to be able to recognize it, you have to be honest with yourself about what you feel about other persons. Do you know if you liked other guys before?”</p>
<p>Robbe quickly looked away.</p>
<p>“Maybe... I don’t really know Milan. I used to think I did, but… when I compare that to what I’m feeling right now, it’s not even close.”</p>
<p>Milan nodded. “What about girls?”</p>
<p>Robbe only shook his head, anxiously playing with his fingers.</p>
<p>“I tried dating a girl, but it never worked. I wasn’t able to feel something. And I’ve never felt interest towards one.” Robbe confessed. “I guess this means I’m really gay after all.” He muttered to himself. <em>Why are you acting so surprised? You already knew this</em>, he thought.</p>
<p>“Do you really have to know right now?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“From what you’ve told me, you don’t have a lot of things figured out yet. And it’s okay. If you’re not sure about being gay or don’t feel comfortable labeling yourself as one, you don’t have to force yourself to do it.”</p>
<p>Robbe groaned. “Then what am I supposed to do? I can’t keep living like this, without knowing what I am.”</p>
<p>“Robbe, you’re still really young… not a lot of people of your age know who they are. Everyone has things to discover about themselves. If we came to this world with everything figured out, what would be the point of living?”</p>
<p>Robbe forced a laugh. “That’s true. But it’s better having to figure out average things, like what I want to study. This is different and complicated.”</p>
<p>“I thought that too when I was about your age. I thought I was different and that I was alone and yes, it’s not as average as you would like, but it’s not <em>that</em> weird and you’re not alone as you think. It gets better. Right now, you have me, and you even found a boy you like and likes you too! That’s so amazing.” Milan said, then paused. “Wait, he likes you too, right?”</p>
<p>Robbe nervously laughed. “Yeah… he told me.” He smiled but quickly vanished as soon as he remembered what happened next. “I couldn’t tell him anything. I realized I couldn’t do it.”</p>
<p>“Do what?”</p>
<p>“Uhh…”</p>
<p>“Something must have scared you, right?” When Robbe looked lost, he specified, “Did you feel scared of being with him? Or were you scared of what would everyone else think?”</p>
<p>Robbe blinked. “About everyone else. I thought I wasn’t ready for everyone else knowing about me or even about us… It’s too soon, I’m still figuring it out. I want to figure it out in peace.” </p>
<p>“He wanted that? Everyone knowing about it?”</p>
<p>“Uhh… I don’t know. I just left.” Robbe admitted, feeling utterly stupid.</p>
<p>“Then why are you thinking so ahead?” Milan asked. Robbe could only stupidly stare at him. Milan sighed and thought for moment. “So you feel comfortable at the idea of being with him?”</p>
<p>Robbe thought about it. He felt scared and nervous before because he didn’t even know if Sander liked him back and Robbe obviously didn’t want to expose himself. But now that he was certain, he knew he wasn’t scared of being with him. “Yeah.”</p>
<p>Milan smiled. “That’s a good starting point, Robbe. If you’re willing, you could use this chance to get to know yourself, explore what you feel.”</p>
<p>“Uh…” Robbe looked away in embarrassment. Milan laughed.</p>
<p>“Look, there’s no other way. You have to decide if you like him enough and trust him enough to give it a chance. It may be a bumpy road, but if he’s worthy, just do it! This could be an amazing chance.” As he listened to Milan’s words, he knew he didn’t even need to think if Sander was worth it. He remembered his smile, his precious hazel eyes, his jokes and all the things they had done.</p>
<p>Robbe looked at Milan again as he went on. “You should talk to him, ask him what he wants to do. That’s important too. I don’t know about his situation, but maybe you can both agree to take it slow, and kept it between you two for now, until you feel more confident and clearer about it.”</p>
<p>“That sounds good.” Robbe admitted. “I don’t know about his situation though.”</p>
<p>“That’s why you have to talk to him. Who knows, maybe you’re in similar situation or he’s been through it already and could support you.”</p>
<p>“Maybe…”  He hadn’t even thought about that…</p>
<p>“When you feel confident enough about it… you could start talking with the people you trust the most, without pressure. But like I said, you don’t have to label you as something yet, you can only say you found someone you really like and that’s enough for you.”</p>
<p>Robbe sighed. “Milan, this is really difficult. My life is already complicated enough.”</p>
<p>“I know it can be tough, but it’ll be okay. It’s better facing it now, while you’re still young. The more you try to suppress and deny something, the more you think about it, the more it weights on you. You start feeling frustrated and angry all the time and hurt the people you care about. Believe me, myself and some of my friends learned it the hard way.”</p>
<p>Robbe frowned. He’d already hurt a lot of people.</p>
<p>Milan looked at him with contemplative eyes for a moment and then smiled.</p>
<p>“I’m glad you found someone. You have to trust it’ll be okay, that you’ll be happy. I trust you’ll be.”</p>
<p>“How do you know?”</p>
<p>“Well, if he managed to turn your world upside-down in just a few weeks, then he must be something else.” Milan said smirking.</p>
<p>Robbe’s heart skipped a beat. That actually was… an accurate description of his situation. “Fuck. You’re not helping me with that! That makes it even more scary!” Robbe protested but laughed anyway.</p>
<p>Yeah, it was really scary, but when he thought about the happiness, the freedom and peacefulness he felt, it seemed really worth it.</p>
<p>“You’ll have this great guru you see here to guide you.” Milan said happily said. “You’re lucky. I really wish I had me when I was your age. Well, the future me.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay.” Robbe said, rolling his eyes and laughing.</p>
<p>“Talk to your boy!!” Milan excitedly exclaimed.</p>
<p>“He’s not my boy!” Robbe grumbled. Milan laughed at him.</p>
<p>“I’ll be here, okay? Whenever you need me.” Milan reassured him, giving his hand a squeeze.</p>
<p>“Thanks.” Robbe smiled.</p>
<p>“You know what? You can thank me telling me more about your boy!!” Milan smiled, wiggling his eyebrows. Robbe scoffed and shook his head.</p>
<p>“<em>He is not my boy!</em> And… maybe another day.”</p>
<p>“Too much for one day?” Milan grimaced.</p>
<p>“Too much.” Robbe confirmed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>&lt;&gt; </strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey.” Robbe awkwardly greeted. Jens looked at him and raised his eyebrows. Robbe had texted him earlier to ask him to meet up at the skatepark, Jens hadn’t given much of a reaction so Robbe wasn’t sure if he was upset or not. But he took as a good sign he agreed to see him.</p>
<p>“Look who’s finally showed up. After almost two weeks.” Jens sighed, shaking his head.</p>
<p>“You’re upset.” </p>
<p> “Of course I’m upset! But I know you’re having a hard time, so I know I’m not supposed to be upset, which just makes me upset at the situation.” After he finished venting, Jens looked at him, calmer. “I’m not upset at you. I just really wished you talked to me. But you just disappeared for almost two weeks on me, what’s even going on? It is something that bad?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>Jens gave him that look. “I don’t…”</p>
<p>“I know! But I’m still sorry.” Robbe fell on the bench beside Jens and sighed, looking at the sky. “I’m making it seem like we’re some stupid dramatic movie or something. But it’s not that bad… A week ago, it seemed the end of the world, but it’s getting better. Don’t worry.” Robbe managed to laugh a bit at himself.</p>
<p>Robbe looked at Jens, who was tightening his lips in an attempt not to laugh too.</p>
<p>“So you’re okay now? <em>Really okay</em>?” Jens asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>Robbe laughed a bit. “Well… I managed to figure out some things already, so I feel good. I… listened to you and talked to someone.”</p>
<p>“Really? That’s good.”</p>
<p>“Yeah… Milan helped me a lot.” Robbe said, giving Jens a sidelong glance.</p>
<p>“Milan? Your roommate?” Jens asked in confusion. “Well, I’m glad he was able to help you.” Jens added, sounding a bit off.</p>
<p>Robbe breathed in, trying to calm down the nerves accelerating through his whole worry. He licked his lips.</p>
<p>“The thing is… he was the only person that could help me.” Robbe rushed out. “I was… so fucking confused. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to until I was sure about it, but I realized that if I kept thinking and thinking it over, I would keep running in circles.”</p>
<p>Jens looked at him in confusion. “About what?”</p>
<p>Robbe breathed in again, his heart on his throat. “I like someone.” He confessed, almost breathlessly.</p>
<p>“Okay?”</p>
<p>“And… he’s a guy.”</p>
<p>To Robbe’s surprise, Jens lips curved up slightly.</p>
<p>“It’s that guy… Sander, isn’t it?” He asked after a moment.</p>
<p>Robbe gaped in shock. “What…?”</p>
<p>“Well, I think it’s impossible you like Moyo or Aaron.” Jens snorted, but then his smiled disappeared. “Wait, it’s not me, right?”</p>
<p>Robbe made a face. “No.”</p>
<p>“Why do you make that face!?” Jens asked incredulously. Robbe managed to laugh a bit through his anxiety. Jens rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>“Alright, but seriously, it’s Sander, right? I’ve seen you both talking a lot lately and besides him I can’t think of anyone. I never imagined you liked him… now everything kind of makes sense.”</p>
<p>“Yeah… I like him.” Robbe looking at everywhere but Jens.</p>
<p>“Well… that’s totally okay, Robbe. I think it’s fine if you’re… gay? Shit… you’re gay, right? Are you still confused?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. Maybe…? I’m still a bit confused. Uhm, Milan told me I don’t need to figure out everything right now so… For now, I just know that I like him.”</p>
<p>Jens smiled. “That’s fine. Then I’m glad you found someone you like.” </p>
<p>“Yeah.” Robbe chuckled, looking away.</p>
<p>Jens laughed. “Aw, look at you, you’re being so shy right now. It’s been so long since I saw you like this…” Jens ruffled his hair, Robbe glared at him and batted his hand away, but smiled. “So what? You’re together now?”</p>
<p>Robbe grimaced, remembering his actual situation again.</p>
<p>“Oh, I thought… he doesn’t like you?”</p>
<p>“Huh?” Robbe blinked. “No… He does like me. He told me on the trip.”</p>
<p>“So?”</p>
<p>“I fucking panicked and just left.”</p>
<p>“You left!? Without a word?”</p>
<p>“I know… it’s was fucking stupid.”</p>
<p>“Sort of?”</p>
<p>Robbe groaned, throwing his head back to glare at the sky. “You’re supposed to make me feel better.”</p>
<p>Jens snickered, but quickly got back to serious. “I’m only joking! Don’t worry... it’s perfectly reasonable you reacted that way.” Jens reassured him. “I’m sure he’ll get it too… If not, he’s an idiot.”</p>
<p>“I feel like an asshole. He sent me some messages once we got back from the trip, but I couldn’t…” He trailed off.  </p>
<p>Jens sighed. “Well, your head is clearer now, right? Talk to him.” Robbe looked a bit hesitant. “Do it! This is a good chance to start figuring out yourself and to be happy too. You deserve to be happy, Robbe.”</p>
<p>He paused and added, “And you found yourself a… I mean, he seems like a cool dude. He’s handsome too.” Jens said, softly nudging him.</p>
<p>Robbe let out a laugh, a mix of amusement and embarrassment. But he looked at Jens, fond, grateful.</p>
<p>He felt really awkward, but Jens was trying to act normal. And it was good, it made him realize that it shouldn’t be that different. They were just talking about the person he liked. This was good.</p>
<p>“He’s cool. I really like him.” He said in a low voice, without trying to stop the involuntary smile that appeared on his face as he thought about him. Jens looked at him closely and snorted, but thankfully didn’t make fun of him.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry. For not telling you before.” Robbe said after a moment.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Robbe. I get it now. Unfortunately, I don’t think I would have been as helpful as Milan was. I’m glad you talked to him. But uh…” Jens looked a bit hesitant. “I’m sorry if you felt uncomfortable with me or something. I remember now I’ve said some stupid jokes in the past.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Robbe said, his lips curving up a little. He gave Jens a light punch in the shoulder. “Yeah, they were stupid. But it’s okay now, don’t worry.”</p>
<p>Jens nodded.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry. I won’t happen again. And I’ll make sure Moyo…”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, I already talked to him.” He shrugged.</p>
<p>Jens looked at him in surprise. “He knows!?”</p>
<p>Robbe nodded. “We fought and he kind of figured it out on his own?”</p>
<p>“Shit. How did it go?”</p>
<p>“Uh, pretty well… I guess? He apologized about all the things he said. I asked him to not do it again too.”</p>
<p>“That’s good. Everything is okay then?”</p>
<p>Robbe shrugged, grimacing. “I guess. I think he still feels awkward with everything.” </p>
<p>“Don’t worry. He can be an idiot, but he’s a good guy, I’m sure he’ll come around. And I’ll talk to him too.”</p>
<p>“No, don’t. I really appreciate it, but it’s okay. I feel like he was sincerely sorry, so I’ll just give him time. I don’t want to force it.”</p>
<p>“Then just take it step by step. I’ll be here for you.”</p>
<p>After that they stopped with the heavy and difficult talk, and just relaxed. Jens enthusiastically told him some things Robbe had missed on the Halloween party two weeks ago. Apparently, he and Jana had a great time at the party and Jens believed they were making some progress, though they too would be taking it step by step. Robbe felt happy for him and for himself. He’d missed this so much. Just openly about their stuff, without complications like lying or evading things.</p>
<p>Now he felt like had got rid of a heavy weight he didn’t know he was carrying. Even if it had been awkward at some moments, it had been worth it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>&lt;&gt; </strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>noor.bauwens: Hey. Do you have some free time? I would like to see you. </em></p>
<p></p>
<p><em>sterkerdanijzer: Noor, hey. Sure. When? </em></p>
<p></p>
<p><em>noor.bauwens: Tomorrow? 18?</em></p>
<p></p>
<p><em>sterkerdanijzer: Okay. </em></p>
<p></p>
<p><em>noor.bauwens: Okay, I’ll send you the address. </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Robbe had easily agreed to meet up, but in reality he was worried. He could only guess Noor’s intentions. Could she probably know about what happened between them? What if Sander had told her something? But he quickly realized he didn’t feel too worried about that, for some reason. He was more worried about what she wanted to talk about. Robbe felt like he wanted to talk her about Sander too… about what? Robbe himself didn’t have a clue.</p>
<p>He’d talked with Milan and Jens and now knew what he wanted to do but, unfortunately, he was scared, aware that he’d done a terrible mistake, possibly hurting and disappointing Sander in the process. Two weeks. He just left him hanging there for two whole weeks… If Sander would have done something like that, Robbe would have felt really upset.</p>
<p>What if Sander didn’t want to even talk to him anymore? What if Robbe bared his feelings only to be rejected? He knew that it wouldn’t be something he didn’t deserve, but that didn’t mean he wanted to experience it. And even worse, he didn’t know how he could successfully explain himself and make Sander see he wasn’t the asshole he appeared to be.</p>
<p>Noor was asking him to meet. He’d a lot of seconds thoughts about it, but then he realized that maybe he could find out something about Sander’s current position. Anything was fine, it was better than having a complete uncertainty.</p>
<p>The next day, he arrived at the café Noor had asked him to come and found her already there. After they greeted each other and ordered some drinks, both of them sensed some indecision in the other, so they made some small talk first.</p>
<p>“Noor… Is Sander okay?” Robbe finally asked, unable to take it anymore. Noor looked at him in surprise, then shook her head.</p>
<p>“Not really. He’s been feeling down these last few days.”</p>
<p>“Oh.”<br/>“He told me what happened.” Noor said a bit hesitant.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“About liking you and telling you about it?”</p>
<p>“Oh.” He’d suddenly lost the ability to talk.  </p>
<p>“Sander is convinced he made a mistake and he’s regretting it but… I understand you weren’t able to talk about it?”</p>
<p>Robbe swallowed with difficulty.</p>
<p>“No, not really. I didn’t know how to react, so I just left.”</p>
<p>Robbe looked at Noor, thinking she would probably show her displeasure after Robbe hurt her friend, but she didn’t. She was watching him closely, considering something.</p>
<p>“I take as a good sign that you were worried about him?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>She sighed. “Well, I was afraid you were uncomfortable with his feelings and didn’t want to talk with him again.”</p>
<p>Robbe’s eyes widened. “No, I’m not upset. I just…”</p>
<p> “Look, I know I’m getting myself in business that aren’t mine but… Sander is not okay. He’s really disappointed but refuses to clear up things with you. That’s why I wanted to see how you felt about all this, so you could maybe… solve things. But if you are upset… I know I couldn’t ask you that.”</p>
<p>“No, I’m not.”</p>
<p>Robbe sighed in frustration, he couldn’t even imagine how Sander must be feeling.</p>
<p>“I didn’t mean this. I was only confused.”</p>
<p>“Confused?”</p>
<p>Robbe froze, realizing he’d spoken too much. He looked at Noor in panic, his mouth was open, but no words came out.</p>
<p>“Don’t tell me that… You like him too?” Robbe only looked away, feeling all his body tense and hot. “You like him. That’s why… you didn’t know how to react, you’re still figuring it out.” Noor was saying. But she didn’t sound scandalized or something like that, she even sounded casual, like she was trying to understand the situation.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Noor asked after a long silence.</p>
<p>Robbe looked at her in surprise and managed a smile. “I’m getting there. I’m just… really worried about Sander. I feel bad. I actually… wanted to talk to him but wasn’t sure if he would want to talk to me.”</p>
<p>“No, no, he’s not angry with you. He’s just… worried and blames himself. He thinks he misunderstood things.” Noor reassured him.</p>
<p>Robbe remembered Sander’s message from two weeks ago, telling him he had been selfish and hadn’t considered Robbe’s feelings before acting. It wasn’t Sander’s fault, it was all Robbe’s fault since he’d gone for it only too realize he couldn’t do it.</p>
<p>“I feel really sorry.”</p>
<p>“It’s not your fault…”</p>
<p>“It’s not his fault either.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Do you want to… fix things with Sander?” Noor asked him carefully after a moment of silence. He understood the true meaning of her words.</p>
<p>Robbe nodded without hesitation. Noor’s face lit up.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, it’s going to be okay. Just… try to talk to him as soon as you’re ready.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Robbe said, feeling a pang on his chest.</p>
<p>“He really likes you, you know? He was like another person in that trip. I wasn’t being dramatic when I told you were having some kind of effect on him. I kind of suspected he liked you, but I couldn’t be sure. So don’t worry about anything.”</p>
<p>Robbe laughed nervously. Knowing that Noor knew about him, felt surprisingly good, but at the same time he couldn't help to feel a bit embarrassed about this stuff. But now he knew he had to be patient and give himself time to process it all. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry! I must be making you uncomfortable.” Noor laughed.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry. It’s just… this all new for me.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I can imagine… I’m glad you’re okay now.” She smiled at him.</p>
<p>Robbe smiled too. “Thanks.”</p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter... finally reunion!! As always, I really love reading what you think!! Thank so much!! </p><p> -Anilorac.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. No regrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ahhhhh, I'm so anxious about this lmao. But I hope you like it!!! Thank you sooo much for the kudos, comments and hits!! And enjoy! :3 </p><p>Warning: A first attempt of writing Rosander fluff, be careful :P hahah. Unbeated chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<p><strong>R</strong>obbe’s heart was beating so hard and fast that he was fearing it would explode. And he was so anxious he almost felt dizzy and disgustingly light, like he couldn’t manage to get enough air. Fuck. He stared at the place he’d visited like six weeks ago, remembering the freedom and fun he hadn’t felt in a very long time.</p>
<p>Now everything had changed.</p>
<p>He was here to possibly start freeing himself instead of only having some momentaneous freedom. He could have that freedom if he was brave enough.</p>
<p>Some guy let him in and Robbe put on a mask as he wandered through the dark searching for him. Soon enough saw white hair in the dim light, stopping and staring the boy spray painting one of the trucks.</p>
<p>Robbe saw blue, lots of shades of blue.</p>
<p>He walked forward, stopping beside Sander, who quickly noticed him, his wide eyes staring at him in surprise. But he didn’t say anything, not even when Robbe turned his head to see him and extended his arm.</p>
<p>“Can I?”</p>
<p>Sander raised a bit his eyebrows, looking utterly confused, but he put a can in his hand. Robbe took that as a good sign, so he didn’t hesitate and started dispersing blue on the surface.</p>
<p>“You’re doing a mess.” He heard Sander comment after what it seemed an eternity later.</p>
<p>“I know.” Robbe could only say.</p>
<p>He knew, of course knew, since he was barely thinking about what he was doing, more occupied with the boy standing beside him. He didn’t even know what he was trying to do… maybe buying some time. He felt so nervous.</p>
<p>Sander scoffed but took another can and started improving what Robbe had done. They worked in silence for a long moment. He kept wandering his gaze to the side, sometimes he would catch Sander looking at him too.</p>
<p> “Robbe…” Sander started but didn’t manage to continue.</p>
<p>The doubts started again. Maybe Sander really didn’t want to talk to him. Robbe gripped hard the can in his hand.</p>
<p>“Is it okay that I’m here?” Robbe finally dared to ask.</p>
<p>“Yeah… It’s just… What are you doing here? I though you didn’t want to see me again.”</p>
<p>“No… it’s not like that.” Robbe replied.  </p>
<p>“You didn’t want to talk to me.” Sander said, staring painting again. Robbe didn’t think he was accusing him, only expressing his confusion, so was able to calm himself a bit.  </p>
<p>“I’m sorry. I was confused... and when I cleared up my mind… I wasn’t sure if you would want to hear me out. I know I was horrible to you.”</p>
<p>Sander shook his head. “It’s okay, I’m not mad at you. I know it’s all my fault and I’m sorry. I didn’t know if you liked me for sure and I sensed you were confused about it, but…” He bitterly laughed. “I always ruin everything because of my selfishness. I’m always trying to live without regrets, but this time I even ended hurting you.”</p>
<p>“Sander…” Robbe exhaled looking at him, a bit taken aback by his mood and his words. But Sander was still painting in quick movements, refusing to look at him. Robbe caught his wrist and forced him to stop.</p>
<p>The other boy finally looked at him as Robbe gathered courage to speak.  “Don’t feel like that, okay? I hurt you too. We both made mistakes. But don’t… don’t regret telling me how you feel, okay?”</p>
<p>Sander threw his spray can into a bucket and brusquely took off his mask. Robbe took his own mask a moment later.</p>
<p>“But I put you through a really hard time! All this time… I was really selfish Robbe. That's all I've been thinking these last few days. ” He shook his head. “I’ve liked you for a long time and I just decided to chase you without even thinking about anything else. It’s just…" </p>
<p>Sander stopped for a moment, clearly a bit overwhelmed. </p>
<p>"I think I liked you from the moment I saw you and when I finally met you, I liked you even more and couldn’t stop myself from talking to you. And when I started thinking you liked me too… I was happy and did stupid things.”</p>
<p>There was so much information Robbe felt a bit dumbfounded, not knowing where he could start. What?</p>
<p>“Sander…” Robbe laughed a bit, nearly feeling ecstatic. “I’m not a clueless idiot. Sometimes… I could sense your intentions and I didn’t care, I still kept talking to you… because I wanted it.” He paused, looking away to gather more courage. “I would have told you if I truly felt uncomfortable, okay? And you would have accepted it, right?”</p>
<p>Sander only nodded.</p>
<p>“See? You don’t have to feel bad about it. I was scared because you made me question a lot of things about myself, but that… probably was meant to happen someday. I think I already knew something was different but…” Robbe realized he was rambling and stopped. “Anyway, there are a lot of things about myself I don’t know anymore, but I know, I just know that I like you.”</p>
<p>Sander stared at him with wide eyes. It was the first time Robbe saw such surprised expression in his face.</p>
<p>“It’s really scary saying all these things… but I think you’re right, about living with no regrets, so I’m really glad you told me you liked me and I’m glad I came here too. It’s all worth it.” He laughed a bit. “Since I met you… I been living the best days of my life. And I want to keep living like that, okay?”   </p>
<p>Sander suddenly laughed too. He covered his face with his hands for a moment before he let them fall, revealing a grin that could illuminate the whole universe. On an impulse Sander took him by the shoulders, his face only centimeters away from him.</p>
<p>“Robbe I think liked you from the moment I saw you. I just knew you were different. But in that moment, I couldn’t even imagine you would be this amazing, cute boy I would come to like so much and would make me so happy. I’m just really glad I was able to see you again.”</p>
<p>“Sander…” Robbe laughed a bit completely embarrassed, then furrowed his eyebrows. “Meet me again? How so?”</p>
<p>An enigmatic smile appeared on Sander’s face. “That party… wasn’t the first time I saw you.”</p>
<p>Robbe looked at Sander in shock. “What do you mean…?”</p>
<p>Sander only smiled and shook his head. “Maybe in another moment.”</p>
<p>“What? Why?”</p>
<p>“It’s just… I really want to kiss you right now.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Robbe could only say, his eyes immediately going to Sander’s lips.</p>
<p>“Is it okay?” Sander laughed.</p>
<p>Robbe could only laugh a bit and nod, Sander was already so close…</p>
<p>Robbe was nearly hyperventilating, so lost in Sander’s lips, already anticipating what would come next. He felt the soft, warm lips against his, leaving a soft, probing kiss. Sander was about to move away, but Robbe lifted his arms and put his arms around him to bring him closer as he deepened the kiss. He just couldn’t help it, it was like finally tasting something delicious he couldn’t get enough of.</p>
<p>Of course Sander didn’t resist and kissed him fiercely, his fingers sinking his hair and pulling it hard. They kissed so hard that both ended up crashing against the truck. Robbe was the one who had to break the kiss, he’d been having trouble breathing since the beginning and his head was just spinning.</p>
<p>Sander leaned away and looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Not that I’m complaining, but are you already that impatient? I wouldn’t have imagined, you’re so shy and cute.”</p>
<p>“Sander…” Robbe protested closing his eyes in embarrassment as Sander laughed.</p>
<p>But he shivered when Sander whispered in his ear, “Do you want to get out of here?” He asked.</p>
<p>Sander leaned away as Robbe opened his eyes. He could tell by his voice he was only teasing him, but he couldn’t help to wonder…</p>
<p>His eyes looked at Sander from head to toe, stopping to look again at his lips. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited and curious about what would eventually come. But he quickly came back to his senses, knowing they still had stuff to talk about. </p>
<p>“No, seriously, let’s get out of here.” Sander said. Robbe smiled and nodded, then looked at the mural. It was a completely mess. How could it not be? Sander was randomly moving his hand as they talked. Sander was staring at the mural too, scratching his head as he probably thought the same as him.</p>
<p>“What a fucking mess.” He declared.</p>
<p>“What are you going to do?” Robbe asked.</p>
<p>“I’ll have to come back to fix it tomorrow. But now…” Sander replied giving him one of his brilliant grins. Robbe could smile a bit just before Sander caught his lips again.</p>
<p>Robbe followed Sander out of there and they took his bikes, racing through the night, feeling happy and free once again…</p>
<p>Sander mentioning his mom and Amber was more than enough for Robbe to decide going to his flat. It Friday and everyone was gone, so they easily sneaked inside, locking themselves in Robbe’s room without anyone noticing.</p>
<p>They were happy, about to leave behind some gloomy and tiring couple of weeks behind, so they just agreed to chill, drinking some beers Sander had bought on their way here and talking about light, unsubstantial stuff while they listened to music.</p>
<p>Kissing was inevitable too, though it quickly got out of control, both eager to explore and getting to know each other in this new, exciting way, so they had to stop after a while. Robbe was really happy though, confirming what he’d already known. There weren’t any doubts or fear, instead, it was easy, natural, like being with him was meant to be.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>&lt;&gt; </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Robbe.” He stirred in his sleep. His neck and jaw were tickling. “Robbe” His ear was tickling now. “Someone is calling you.” Sander voice told him.</p>
<p>Robbe frowned and opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Sander hair shining under the sunlight, but Sander quickly moved away and Robbe got distracted when he heard another voice calling him.</p>
<p>“Robbe? Everything okay?” Milan asked. </p>
<p>“He’s probably really tired. Leave him alone.” Zoë said.</p>
<p>“What if he’s dead?” Milan was saying, while Robbe sat up and rubbed his eyes, still half asleep.</p>
<p>“I’m fine, Milan. I <em>was</em> asleep.” Robbe sighed.</p>
<p>“Oopss, sorry. It’s just really late, you never wake up this late. Is everything okay? Are you sick?”</p>
<p>“I’m fine! I just wanted to sleep in without being bothered.” Robbe answered rolling his eyes, but without real bite in his voice.</p>
<p>“See? I told you.” He heard Zoë said.</p>
<p>“Okay, okay! I was just worried!” Milan said and left them alone.</p>
<p>Robbe sighed again and turned to look at Sander, his heart fluttering at the beautiful sight in front of his eyes. He felt so happy, like he was able to do just <em>anything</em> right now. Like everything was fine now. </p>
<p>That’s why he was able to lean in, slowly throw his arms around Sander’s neck and leave a soft kiss on his plump lips. Sander smiled, his hand caressing the side of his face.</p>
<p>“Hi.” Robbe breathlessly said.</p>
<p>“Good morning.” Sander smiled. “Looks like someone had a good night of sleep.”</p>
<p>“Of course. You are here. I’m really happy.” Robbe murmured against his lips.</p>
<p>“I’m really happy too.” Sander said, kissing him again.</p>
<p>“Do you have to go?” Robbe asked a few kisses later. Sander shook his head.</p>
<p>“I’m all yours from now on.” Sander smirked. Robbe laughed but grinned too.</p>
<p>“You’re okay? Do you want to go to the bathroom? I can…” He shook his head again.</p>
<p>“I’m fine. I actually sneaked out a while ago. Don’t worry, nobody saw me.”</p>
<p>“A while ago? What time is it? How long have you been awake?” Robbe asked glancing at his watch. 12 pm. <em>Shit</em>. No wonder Milan had come to look for him. Robbe always had trouble sleeping, so he tended to wake up really early. Not today, he’d been able to sleep pretty well.</p>
<p>Sander sent him a mysterious smile and said, “A while ago.”</p>
<p>Robbe resisted the urge of rolling his eyes and gave him a light push on the shoulder.</p>
<p>“If you’ve been awake for so long, you should have woken me up!”</p>
<p>“Time flies when you’re watching someone so cute sleeping.” Sander told him, pinching his cheek.</p>
<p>Robbe rolled his eyes this time. “That’s creepy.” He joked, suppressing a laugh. </p>
<p>Sander scoffed. “It was only for artistic purposes.” He said and showed him a notebook Robbe had overlooked.</p>
<p>“You’re are unbelievable.” Robbe could only say as he watched an impressive sketch of him sleeping. What the hell? First pictures and now drawings. Was there anything he couldn’t do?</p>
<p>“I’m being too much, right?” Sander said, trying to bite off a smile. But Robbe could tell he was a little embarrassed. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”</p>
<p>“No, no… it's not that” Robbe rushed out. “It’s amazing. It must have taken you a lot of time... you should have slept instead.”</p>
<p>“Nah, not really. And I couldn’t sleep anyway.” Sander casually said. Robbe was surprised to hear that, but before he could ask, Sander went on, “So they’re amazing? Then I guess you won’t mind me charging you through some embarrassing photos I took of your face while you were sleeping.”</p>
<p>“What? That doesn’t even make any sense!” Robbe laughed. “You did it on your own. I should charge <em>you</em> instead for drawing this face...” He joked, trying to sound arrogant, but quickly felt embarrassed. </p>
<p>Sander smiled. “You’re right. And I would pay anything just to be able to draw that gorgeous face of yours.” He said, winking at him.</p>
<p>“Uh… you must be hungry, right?” Robbe said quickly standing up feeling all flustered. It seemed his resistance to embarrassment had quickly reached its limits. “If you don’t have to go, then we can have some breakfast.”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>“Okay, I’ll be back.”</p>
<p>Robbe left his room and after quickly relieving himself and brushing his teeth, he went to the kitchen. He stopped on his tracks when he saw Milan and Senne, having a late breakfast.</p>
<p>“Hi!” He said, nearly flinching when he noticed his voice was too loud. Fuck, that had sounded so happy and bright.</p>
<p>“Hey.” Senne said, by his appearance he looked like he’d a rough night of partying.</p>
<p>“Hi.” Milan said with a bright smile like always, but Robbe noticed he was looking at him a bit curiously.</p>
<p>Robbe hesitated for a second before going to his shelf of the kitchen to grab something to eat.</p>
<p>“Everything okay?” Milan asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Robbe replied nodding, starting to feel nervous under Milan’s gaze. “I’ll just grab something to eat.”</p>
<p>He quickly started grabbing whatever he saw, slowing after realizing he was being too obvious this way. Fuck, fuck.</p>
<p>“What’s with you? You’re really enthusiastic this morning.” He heard Milan ask, his tone laced with amusement and curiosity.</p>
<p>“Nothing. I just slept really well.”</p>
<p>“I see.”</p>
<p>“Uh… I have a lot of homework to do. I’ll eat in my room.” Robbe said when he’d gathered enough things.</p>
<p>Milan was looking at him with curiosity. “You’re eating all of that?”</p>
<p>He looked at Milan, feeling like the older boy was looking right through him. He then looked at Senne who, thankfully for Robbe, was having a hungover, oblivious about the whole thing.</p>
<p>“Uh, yeah… I have a lot of studying to do!”</p>
<p>“Uh-Huh.”</p>
<p>Robbe didn’t say anything, just laughed and acted normal. He quickly got out of there, sighing with relief as he closed his bedroom door behind him.</p>
<p>He smiled to himself as he saw Sander focused on sketching on his notebook. When Robbe put everything in the bed and sat down, Sander put aside his notebook and looked at the stuff. It was mostly cookies, bars and some fruit.</p>
<p>He took one of the packages and raised it, quirking an eyebrow. Robbe almost choked up when he saw it was fucking pasta. They stared at each other in silence, trying not to laugh out loud.</p>
<p>“Fuck. I’m sorry. I know this is really lame.” He said, bowing his head in embarrassment.</p>
<p>He’d been so paranoid back in the kitchen that he literally grabbed everything he saw on his shelf. He could only pray Milan hadn’t noticed it. Sander shook his head dramatic disappointment, putting aside the pasta package.</p>
<p>Robbe laughed. “My roommate Milan was in the kitchen. He’s really good looking through people… I had to get out there fast. Sorry.”</p>
<p>Sander laughed at him. “He was the one who woke you up?” he asked as they started to eat the cookies Robbe had brought.</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“He sounds like a nice guy.”</p>
<p>Robbe smiled. “Yeah. He and Zoë helped me a lot... Milan helped me figure out some things over the last few days. Thanks to him, I was able to look for you.”</p>
<p>“Then I’ll have to thank him.” Sander joked but looked at him with a soft smile.</p>
<p>“He knows about you and I would have introduced you to him, but my other roommates don’t know so…”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry.” Sander reassured him. “I’ll meet him another time.”</p>
<p>Robbe nodded.</p>
<p>“So you’re really close to him?”</p>
<p>“Well, not <em>that</em> close. But he’s really amazing and since he’s openly gay… well, he was able to help me.” Robbe admitted a bit shy. </p>
<p>“That’s good. You shouldn’t go through this alone.” Sander replied smiling a little. “And you have me now too. You can talk to me anytime.”</p>
<p>Robbe considered his words and after a minute or so, he said a little hesitant, “So you’re… What about you?” He could only look at Sander for a second before lowering his eyes.</p>
<p>Sander stopped munching a cookie and looked at him before laughing. “Oh. You’re wondering if I’m gay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“No.” He shook his head. “To be honest… I haven’t been with a lot of people, but I I’m pansexual.”</p>
<p>“What does that mean?”</p>
<p>“It’s liking a person regardless they sex or gender. If I met someone I like, I don’t think much if it’s a guy or a girl, they just have something I like, and I just go for it.” Sander replied shrugging.</p>
<p>“So you’ve liked a guy before?”</p>
<p>“A couple, but it wasn’t something special.” </p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>Robbe was a bit disappointed. Sander smiled, like he could read his mind. “You’re the first guy I <em>really</em> like. Though I saw you, I didn’t even think about you being a guy, I just saw something in you, something different… and beautiful.”</p>
<p>Robbe laughed and bit his lip, unable to keep his face straight. But soon, he started to consider Sander’s words.</p>
<p>“So you’re not sure about it?” Sander asked when he saw Robbe’s pensive face.</p>
<p>“Not really. Besides you, I’ve only liked someone else but…” He shrugged.</p>
<p>“A guy?”</p>
<p>Robbe nodded. “I think so. But that was completely pointless, so I don’t know if it counts.”</p>
<p>“Well, you’re not experienced enough. It’s okay.”</p>
<p>“I wish I was like you or Milan.”</p>
<p>Sander laughed and gently pinched his face. “I may have this area figured it out but I’m a completely mess in other ones. It’s different for every person.”</p>
<p>“Milan said something similar.” He sighed.</p>
<p>“Well, he’s right. Don’t push yourself.” Sander said, hesitating a bit before adding, “But… you’re sure about this, right? I mean… I know you like me, I referring to be together with me?”</p>
<p>Robbe tilted his head and smiled. “So we’re together now?”</p>
<p>Sander scrunched his face. “What kind of question is that? Of course we’re together now, but if this is still weird for you to be with a guy…”</p>
<p>“I’m okay. But for now… Let’s just keep this between us, okay?” Sander nodded without hesitation. “I feel like too much people knows already. I don’t think I can disclose more for a while.”</p>
<p>“Really? Who knows?”</p>
<p>“Uh… my roommate Milan, my best friend Jens, my friend Moyo and… Noor.”</p>
<p>“You talked with Noor?” Sander raised his eyebrows.</p>
<p>“Uh, yeah.” He admitted, blushing a little. “I hope it doesn’t bother you?”</p>
<p>“It doesn’t. It’s just I didn’t know you talked that much.”</p>
<p>“She’s nice.” Robbe commented. “And she cares a lot about you. She also told me I should talk to you.”</p>
<p>Sander looked at him in surprise before frowning.  “Yeah.”</p>
<p>Robbe was a bit surprised, he could only guess what Sander was thinking and didn’t want to ruin the mood, so he changed topics.</p>
<p>It turned out neither of them had something to do today, so they spent the whole day in his bedroom. Robbe told him about his misadventures when he was getting started with skateboarding, showing him some of his old scars and some of his old videos. He even showed him some of his stupid Broerrrs videos, though he ended up regretting it because Sander wouldn’t stop laughing at him and staring at them.</p>
<p>Sander also finally (he was the one who used that word) showed him David Bowie MV’s on his computer. He explained them to him, surprising Robbe with the ridiculous level of details and facts he knew. Honestly speaking, Robbe was a little more fascinated with Sander’s smile, expressions and gestures, but he did his best to listen and understand every fact and explanation he offered.</p>
<p>He almost jumped in happiness when in the afternoon he sneaked out of his room only to find out they were alone, finally alone!</p>
<p>They both went out and made that package of pasta. Well, Sander did, because Robbe apparently was a mess in the kitchen whenever Sander was near. He didn’t help either when he started dramatically singing Bowie and Queen songs, making Robbe watch him like freaking fangirl.</p>
<p>But it was so fucking good, finally being able to do that without worrying about anything…</p>
<p>“By the way… you still haven’t explained me something.” Robbe suddenly said.</p>
<p>They were on his bed, Sander was sketching again while Robbe cleaned his skateboard and watched him.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You said you were glad you could see me again. You also said you’ve liked me for long time.”</p>
<p>“Oh, that.” Sander put aside his sketchbook and laughed. “Yeah… I recently started taking photography more seriously, so I'm always looking for places to take good shots. Noor introduced me to urban stuff and I started going to skateparks... I saw you in one of those for the first time.”</p>
<p>“In the skatepark? When?” Robbe looked at Sander with wide eyes.</p>
<p>“Like… six months ago?”</p>
<p>Sander had “known” him for more than six months? What? Robbe looked at Sander, who was smiling fondly as he lost himself in his memories. </p>
<p>“I saw you at that skatepark with your friends. And when I saw your smile, I just liked you. I know, I know… it’s so cliché.” He rolled his eyes. “But it’s the truth. I went some other times and saw you. You were really cute with your long hair and that beanie.”</p>
<p>“Jesus.” He couldn’t believe it, he just felt… warmness all inside of him. "Why you never talked to me?" He asked, genuinely curious. He didn't think Sander would have shied away from that. </p>
<p>"I was with Britt back then. " Sander grimaced.</p>
<p>"Oh." Robbe awkwardly said. He'd completely forgot about that. </p>
<p>"I really wanted to talk to you, and I nearly did it... But I was having troubles with Britt, and I still believed we could fix them." Robbe only nodded, but couldn't dwell on it because Sander suddenly laughed. "Wouldn't you have freaked out? If some stranger suddenly talked to you?" Sander wondered. </p>
<p>Robbe laughed. "Maybe? But I'm sure you would have found some way to charm me, right?" He joked. </p>
<p>"Good point." Sander smirked. Robbe sighed, seriously wondering what would have happened if he'd met Sander back then. Maybe everything would be different now. Who knew. But it didn't matter, they were here now. </p>
<p>“And I suddenly stopped seeing you. Your friends were there, but not you." Sander added, "Then a lot of things happened to me, and I just couldn’t think about it anymore…” He sighed, his expression dimming for a moment. </p>
<p>“I started having some family issues. I stopped hanging out with my friends for a while.” Robbe whispered, feeling a bit gloomy too. After Sander words, he quickly remembered that was around the time his mom's condition started worsening. </p>
<p>“I see.” Sander nodded. Sander didn't ask for more, and although Robbe wanted to know more about him, he didn't ask either. They were still getting to know each other, maybe it was too soon to ask too much information. It had already happened on the trip and it didn’t go well.</p>
<p>“So you saw me at school again?” Robbe asked, returning to the initial topic. </p>
<p>Sander's his face lit up as he nodded. “Hmm. I saw you again at school. I wasn’t feeling too good at that moment, but then I suddenly saw you there and thought it was happening for a reason. I really wanted to believe it meant something, so I went to that stupid party, met you and… just knew it. You were <em>the one</em> and had to chase you.” Sander finished, his hazel eyes sparkling like was telling him the most amazing story, a cute smile on his face.</p>
<p>Robbe laughed, but inside was a completely mess. It was something indescribable, but it was good, so good. Someone liked him this much, someone like Sander. He didn’t know if he’d done something amazing in his past life to deserve liking someone this much <em>and </em>being liked by that someone so much, but he wouldn’t throw it away. He would treasure it. He would live this without regrets.</p>
<p>“I’m really glad I got on in that bicycle with you.” Robbe admitted, a bit emotionally. “I almost refused, since I didn’t really know you.”</p>
<p>What would have happened? He probably would have stayed at that stupid party, miserable, drinking until he passed out… or at his flat, all alone and feeling even more miserable...</p>
<p>Robbe exclaimed in surprise when Sander suddenly launched himself forward, making Robbe lay down on the bed as he got on top of him and pinned him on the bed. He felt shivers all through his body when Sander’s lips slowly grazed his.</p>
<p>“It wouldn’t have mattered. I wouldn’t have given up on my first attempt. I would have found some way to talk to you again.”</p>
<p>Robbe smiled a bit before rising his neck, grasping Sander’s lips on his, starting a slow kiss that soon got out of control and left them panting in a tangle of limbs. He had never felt anything like this before. He hadn’t felt so awake before. He didn’t think it was possible. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, Sander had to go when it got dark, since he was unable to spend the night because his mom would go crazy. Robbe had to let him go and buried his face on his pillow when he realized he felt… sad. Smelling Sander’s scent on his bed didn’t help either. But he quickly got happy again, remembering this was only the beginning of this new life with him.  </p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1)Note: We're on chapter 9 and I think it's pretty obvious by now haha, but when I started this story I just wanted to have fun with an alternative season I didn't have anything planned, but as I kept writing, this story morphed into a story set in a diff universe we saw on the series. That's when I changed backstories, like Sander's relationship with Noor and Amber, even his motivations and view about his BP will diff. And as you saw on this chapter, the timelines changed too, Sander met Robbe earlier and he dated Britt for more than 6 months. I got a bit careless with dates haha, so it's safe to say the story didn't start on October 12th like the season, probably a couple of weeks before and it'll probably reach January or smt, I still don't know.</p>
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